Will be here in your corner, cd.

((((cat))))
muchas gracias
day 1 has arrived, and it is a lovely day
high school grad party today for my youngest daughter, who I am blessed to have in my life.

Cheering you on, CD. you've got my support, too. enjoy your daughter's graduation... Very exciting!

(((CD))) Of course we'll be here to support you! I think you are showing so much wisdom to ask for help. I know a mistake I often make is that when I attempt to stop a behavior, I forget that the behavior is serving a purpose for me, and needs to be replaced.

So congratulations both on making it to Day 1 and on your daughter's graduation, both are major milestones!



AG

Hold on in there!

we had a really good show of people, and in spite of the thunderstorms, the party went really well. at least we had a large tent set up and a garage to hunker down in.

thank you all for your support and encouragement, I really can't tell you how much it means. almost at the end of day one, and i can tell you I'd love nothing better right now than a cold one. but i'm not going to cave because i want that t-rex more. i want to go into that office happy and proud rather than with my tail between my legs. i have to keep that in mind, cuz I'm afraid this will be a long 4 weeks.

thanks again, everybody. REALLY!

Totally with you (((CD)))! We're starting together - how about that!! s Morgs

((((morgs))))! how about that???? i think it's awesome! strength in numbers, eh?!?
good for you, internet buddy!

((((CD)))) you could have knocked me down with a feather when I read your post!!! I'm going to ask my T to think of a reward!!! Go us!!! xx

Go girls!!

((Morgs)) Thanks for joining in.

How are you both doing? Hanging in there CD?

thanks for asking, AG. yes, day two went well. I do have to say it's not easy, the cravings can be crazy strong. but if i hold the thought of my little reward in mind, it's amazingly helpful. strange how something so seemingly small can be such a powerful motivator.

((((morgs)))) i think it's a great idea to ask for reward suggestions! it helps knowing somebody's got your back and is thinking of you. and as AG said, thanks for joining in!!

Sorry I'm a little late to the post but so proud of you CD and Morgs. Keep going just one day at a time. Soon you will be surprised how much time has gone by.

thank you, Jillann! it looks like we cross-posted. i'm going to need all the support i can get from now until July 24, so i sure don't consider you late! i appreciate your encouragement!

yeah, it's day three and today is going pretty good as far as cravings are concerned. it's an absolute beautiful evening here and i'm enjoying it immensely. feeling bad for my younger kitty since she loves going outdoors, but i don't let her outside much. another kitty got hit by a car about a year ago, and i dread that happening to her. so, i'm trying to keep her challenged and interested since she is a very smart young cat. all the windows are open and there's a beautiful breeze and i'm playing fetch with my cat indoors! yes, she returns her stuffed mice for me to throw again! she's an awesome little cat, and she doesn't know it but she's helping me by keeping me engaged with life by playing with me! little sweetie, Luna!

Both of my Ts advocate "kitty therapy" they do truly give so much. congrats on day 3, thinking of you.

Congrats ((((CD))) you're going great guns!!! Interesting that at this time you're totally engaging with your kittycat and I'm doing the same with my girl puppy!!!

Thanks to others for the good wishes.
s

"kitty therapy" ... i like it!

way to go, ((((morgs))))!!! what is your puppy's name? i keep thinking i should get a dog.
Mammals are theee best!

Just noticed your post CD. Stay strong and good for you!! I agree that pet therapy is amazing and can help us through many tough times. I see a t- rex in your future!!

thank you ((((Becca))))! i sure hope so! the only thing keeping me going is that darn t-rex

day 5 today. easy? HELL NO! maddening cravings? HELL YES! but if i hang in there long enough, they pass!

Yay... day 5. That's huge. Every day is huge.



And I hope that t-rex stays in your mind.

I love my mammals, too, but there is something about birds/reptiles/dinosaurs that fascinates me. We just got some chicks -- backyard-fresh eggs are in our future by September -- and I love taking them out of their brooder in the mornings and letting them roam the backyard. When I watch them, I think I can begin to see the world as they see it -- every seed and little insect is mesmerizing, and if there's a noise that scares them, they scurry to me. I guess I'm making that connection because they're at the stage where they most resemble reptiles (or dinosaurs), and I'm just talking randomly on the off chance that I'll make you smile.

One step at a time, CD!!!

quote:

I do have to say it's not easy, the cravings can be crazy strong. but if i hold the thought of my little reward in mind, it's amazingly helpful. strange how something so seemingly small can be such a powerful motivator.

((CD)) I don't think its strange at all. At the base, all addiction is about managing pain. I think in a perfectly healthy human being (a mythical creature like a unicorn or dragon ), the answer to pain is love. The strength and comfort and understanding we gain through our close relationships is what provides us the ability to face and move through the inevitable pains of life. But when our experience of close relationships is a painful one, then we instead believe that pain is a part of love, instead of love being an answer to pain. So we go looking elsewhere for relief. Addictions allow us the illusion of being able to completely control that which brings us relief (I decide when to open and shut the box of chocolate chip cookies. Thought I'd use my substance as an example. ). But that's the downside of addiction, its not effective for long, often feeds the shame we are trying to combat in first place and our need for it escalates until it controls us.

So I think the reward having such powerful motivating force is that it is symbolic of receiving comfort from a healthy source, your therapist. I admire your courage in turning towards something that is better for you but can also feel so dangerous. Hope you are still hanging in. (But want you to know that succeed or fail, you are still the same wonderful, worthwhile person! Just as you are!)*.

xx AG

PS *I added that because if it were me, knowing how many times I have tried to change and stumble, I would feel really embarrassed to come back and say so, so I wanted you to know that it was ok IF that happened. This was about how I would feel in the situation, not any expectation of you failing. Have I found the bottom yet, should I stop digging?

thanks for your support, Ms Control (can i call you MC?) It's great to have you here on psychcafe!

PWW, you're hilarious and i actually think i know what you mean about chickens being like tiny dinosaurs, the way they walk and all. LOL! yeah, you got a smile and a laugh to boot!

(((AG))) always full of such good insight! you're right about the shame feeding our addictions. it really is a very sad circle, and can be so difficult to break. stubbornness (that's me raising my hand) certainly doesn't help, either.

I'm trying to hang in there, and i fully appreciate your PS (both for its truthfulness as well as its humor! ) i think it's true for most, if not all of us, that we can really be hard on ourselves when we take a turn for the worse. in all honesty, it is the fear of failure (not entirely, but in very large part) that keeps me from attending support groups like AA (which i have done on numerous occasions, and most likely will again, when the time is right). anyway, thanks for being understanding and gentle. I'm currently hanging in there, but i really am having my doubts. it's a tough road

and (((SP))) such an awesome cheerleader you are! you really are marvelous and your support unwavering. thanks for confirming the reality check. should i fall off the proverbial wagon i'll try to remember to go easy, get up and brush myself off and jump back on with a self-forgiving stance. change IS hard, but i'm trying.

Hey ((((CD))) you're going great guns - congratulations! I'm taking Naltrexone and it's really amazing the difference it's made - interest very little! Have had a couple of 'social' drinks but limited to one and no interest in more!!! May be worth considering if it all gets too hard.

Incidentally my puppy's name is Tilly.

Sending big supporting s. Morgs

Tilly is a cute name



Two hugs for two strong women

Tilly is a beautiful name! puppy love!

((((Morgs))))you're doing wonderfully! it makes this challenge a bit more "fun" than going it alone, eh? thanks for sharing your experiences. Alas, i have tried naltrexone and it didn't seem to curb too many cravings for me but it's okay. I'm glad it's working for you! i know it's helped alot of people keep things in check, so way to go, Morgsie!!

((((draggers)))) and ((((cat)))) you gals are amazing!! thanks for hugs and support!

i don't have "fessing up" to do, but i do have to say that yesterday was super hard, as it was the day before a holiday at work and all i wanted to do was go home and have an adult beverage. just ONE! together with me emailing T and telling him so far so good and to let him know he should hone up on his folding skills. he didn't reply, and that put me in a "fuck you, you don't really give a shit about me" defensive, i'm-an-adult-i'm-going-to-do-what-i-want-to-do-i-deserve-it state of mind. not good. so, i bought a 6 pack and a couple of airplane shots with the full intention on having maybe just two then i was reading here and even wrote some here and something clicked and caused me to open a non-alcoholic beer instead. so long story short i have arrived to day 7 fully sober and glad for it. So, thank you everybody, REALLY, for your support and hugs and love. it's felt and SO appreciated.

incidentally, morgs (and everybody), i am not of the mind that i am quitting forever. i don't intend to nor do i want to. i just need to stop and clear my head and re-experience what it's like to be clear-minded and in control. so all i'm really asking of myself at this point in time is to stay alcohol free until July 24. that may change, but until then that's my goal.

thanks again, everybody!!!

(((CD))) Thanks for being so gracious! And wow I have been in that "i'm-an-adult-i'm-going-to-do-what-i-want-to-do-i-deserve-it" state of mind. So I am deeply impressed that you managed to hold the line. That is really impressive.

Only 20 days to go, CD, hang in there.

((Morgs)) that is just awesome that the med is helping so much. And Tilly is such an awesome name for a puppy. Especially for an Austrailia one for some reason.

quote:

so long story short i have arrived to day 7 fully sober and glad for it.

((((CD)))) to not imbibe and go 7 days unaided - what an achievement - you're brilliant!!! Go girl!

You're right - I'm so fortunate the Naltrexone works well for me (at least so far) - I was lucky that Champix worked also when I gave up smoking 3+ years ago.

Thank you (((others))) for your good wishes.

(((AG))) you're probably thinking of Matilda as Tilly could be a short form of that but she's just Tilly aka Treasure but more often the Terrorist!!!!!
s. Morgs

Hey guys, it's gotten quiet around here, just wanted you to know I am thinking of both of you and hope it's going well.

thanks (((AG)))
things are going okay. I'll write more tomorrow or in the near future, just can't right now. long story short is the 28th to the 24th is no longer a goal. it's okay, and i've let T know, so the worst of it is over ('til I see him, that is). he's encouraging me that every drink i don't take helps. i can't help but wonder: what does it help? that's just the bleak me talking. i know it all matters, but at the same time i really don't believe any of it does. sorry to be dark right now, but that's how i'm feeling. i'll be back, for sure, when i'm feeling more confident about my feelings.

(((CD)))

I still think you are an amazing, courageous, wonderful worthwhile person (see, I told you it wouldn't change anything! )

Do you mind if I take a run at what does it help? If you'd rather not hear this right now, just skip it.

Whenever we are trying to give up an unhealthy way of coping, we need to learn new ways of coping. And that means re-wiring our brains, which is hard work and takes a LOT of experiences. But the only way to build the new paths in our brain is to do the new thing. So anytime you do not have a drink when you want one and turn to other ways to cope and soothe yourself you are building those other pathways. Do that enough and you grow strong enough to leave the behavior behind. But change is really difficult and takes time so we tend to stumble a lot. I come from a family of smokers, my mom started when she was 16 and quit when she was in her 60s. She was fond of saying she only had to quit eight times.

So I realize that this probably doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment right now (if it were me, it would feel like a failure but i tend to be too hard on myself), the truth is that you went a number of days and that's important and something to be commended. I know its a terrible cliche, forgive me, but we do not fail until we refuse to get up and try again. It's ok that your human.

It's also ok that you are feeling dark right now (I don't mean that I am enjoying you in pain, I am not) but that you're ok no matter what you're feeling and its good you can acknowledge that.

We're here whenever you come back.

AG

Ditto to AG's comments ((((CD))). Everything you're going through is perfectly 'normal' especially as you're doing this the hard way unlike me who's relying on drugs!!! I have huge respect for you.

Go gently with yourself - keep talking when you're able - we're here for you.
s, Morgs

oh, Morgs, please do not belittle your efforts at improving your lifestyle simply because you're using medication to help you achieve your goals. if it worked for me, i would go that route as well (i may give it another go with a higher dosage ... i was on the smallest dosage). PLEASE give yourself a huge hug for doing what you can to make your life better. You deserve it!

thanks, Draggers!! big hugs back to you!

AG, i appreciate your input. it's such a basic thing in therapy, that ultimately we're re-wiring our brains, that i lose sight of that fact. so, it makes sense that with each attempt we get a little closer to making those new connections. thanks for the reminder.

in spite of the slip, i am actually doing quite well mentally. i KNOW i've come a LONG way because historically i would consider myself an instant failure (a huge reason why i have even avoided the mere thought of quitting drinking, because i was afraid of "failing"). yes, i was and am disappointed, but i'm not beating myself up over it, but rather trying to learn from it and how i can avoid such slips in the future. it's okay. i'm human.

thanks for the on-going support!!

(((CD))) That was awesome to read, so glad you are being so understanding and compassionate with yourself, I think that shows so much growth!

(((Morgs))) CD is absolutely right, there is NO shame in using whatever tools are available in order to get better. I mean, would you scorn my healing because I went to a therapist? I should have been able to do it on my own right?
And you do deserve a huge hug!

I think you're both amazing for trying to make very difficult changes in your lives.

x2

(((erika))) thanks for your encouragement!

it's been going so-so. bad, then good, then bad again. but, I guess change isn't an immediate thing all the time. I'm doing better than I had been for a long time, so I"m thankful for those days/hours where self-control is cooperating with me. I'm meeting with T this coming Thursday, and I suspect he'll have made the T-Rex, even though I have told him via email that I didn't hold my end of the bargain up. either way, i'm not sure how i'll react, I'm not even sure I know what would be appropriate whether he made it or not. Graciously, I guess. Either way.

((((Morgs)))) I hope things are going well for you on the other side of the world!! as of yesterday, I have joined you in the ranks of puppy owner! (visualize puppy!)

(((CD)))) and (((Morgs))) just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. CD, if you feel like saying, how did it go with your T?

And congrats on the puppy!!

AG

(((AG))) I responded about a week ago and took it down because nobody responded in the alotted time period and so i was feeling vulnerable and judged. I know better - folks here are as caring and compassionate as they come.

Things are hectic in life right now. A friend invited me and a couple other friends to her cabin about a month ago. One friend never said she wouldn't got, but told me that she never intended to go. The right puppy became available so I took her, not even thinking about the upcoming cabin trip. She sent a reminder a few days ago, and I told her I was really sorry but would have to decline because we're in important house-training time right now. Then, the friend who never intended to go said that I ruined it for everybody and that she wasn't going to go if I didn't, and then the other gal backed out as well. So, the dear friend that invited us expressed her disappointment and I can't say i blame her. I heartily apologized again and tried to explain my situation a little, and encouraged the other two to go without me, that it would be a good time. Then, the deceptive "friend" sent me an email saying basically "nice sob story". I felt that my explanation and apology were sincere, and I also felt that my friend was really hurt that nobody ended up going. I just really felt alot of insensitivity in the whole situation, but that's kind of the way this group has been forever. it's not something I'd ordinarily be in tune with, but historically and shamelessly would go along with those behaviors. Therapy is helping me see these things for what they really are. Sorry for the babble.

That stuff and a new puppy with two grumpy young adults who don't like having to watch after a puppy, and work has been hellishly busy and next week will be really bad because a co-worker is on vacation and I'm picking up her work on top of my own stuff. Regular life stuff, but it's stressing me out.

Anyway, in hind-sight the session went well. I told T i was stressed and told him why. He pulled out a perfectly square piece of paper and started folding. I told him that I didn't hold up my end of the deal (he already knew it because I emailed him about it) and that he didn't have to make the TRex, but he kept folding anyway. He got to a certain point with the origami and then forgot how to finish it. He folded and unfolded a number of times thinking out loud, wondering what he was doing wrong and that he knew the solution was right there for him, and he kept trying. At one point he set it down, unfinished. He took out another piece of paper and made a fancy paper airplane instead ... one of his "specialties". we flew that around for a little bit, then he took a skinny strip and made a frog that hops. then he picked up the unfinished TRex and started working on it again and did eventually finish it. He proudly stated that he succeeded. And he did.

As is often the case, I didn't catch up with my feelings until after I'd left his office. on my drive home I became really rather somber, and realized that i felt stranded by T, which made me feel hollow and unfeeling and defiant. he knew i failed at not drinking for the month, and i reminded him of it, but he made the TRex ANYWAY and ended up succeeding and made a point of saying so. i failed and he didn't. And I decided on my own that he was struggling with countertransference during the entire session which was why he insisted on making the TRex, and the whole session was all about him and his weird need to prove to me that he could complete this TRex. And i stopped at the liquor store on the way home and got stupid my solution to everything.

But on my drive into work the next morning i realized that it really was a good, learning session for me. He said he learned origami from his son, and that they used to make origami together. Sigh, and wish i had had a Dad that gave a damn about the things i did, that took the time to BE with me instead of me being afraid of him and running up to my room whenever he'd arrive home from work. oh, I'm getting all teary as i write this, and i'm straying from my story. Just that he would struggle with the TRex and wonder out loud where he went wrong, and if he could go back to a certain point and figure it out from there. Things like that. What a wonderful thing for a child to experience ... what a wonderful way to learn about the world and one's self. what a wonderful way to grow up, to have that kind of loving (did i say loving???) example. This really is hitting me powerfully right now, and i'm afraid i'm not conveying the meaning behind all this. I hope i am. He is teaching me to not only be gentle with myself, but to look at my task at hand and learn what works and what doesn't work for me. He's teaching me to put my attention on the things i do well, all the while considering the task at hand (not drinking) and coming back to it and not giving up but learning from successes and mistakes as well.

i got to work and logged in and there was an email from T. "Just so we're absolutely clear, we both succeeded". i emailed back that i was good, that i did leave feeling stranded, but that with some reflection that it really was a great session, and I thanked him.

and i still struggle with the drinking. I'm a work in progress.

it actually feels much more real and calming to consider myself a work in progress vs. I must immediately be a perfect final product, NOW. and realizing that this is a process, and there'll be crumples and set-backs, but rather than condemn myself for those times to use those times as learning tools. anywho, i join you in the ranks of works in progress, (((SP))), and i thank you for your beautiful encouragement

Hi Everyone,

Yes it's true. I think we all are a work in progress. I've recently been more up than down. I should embrace it, My T thinks so too. But I can't help think at times that it is the quiet before the storm, that the hammer is about to hit. And if that is the case I must be prepared for it, and not get too comfortable. I know this is something I have to work on... letting my guard down. Embracing good feelings when they are present.

LongRoad

(((CD))) Sorry I missed your first post and so glad you came back. I love how you worked through your feelings. I very much think your T was modeling how to be an imperfect human being and how some things we need to work at and may not do perfectly but that's ok. I think you are an awesome work in progress and it's ok that it's not a perfect upward progress. We'd only have to hate you for that anyway, since none of the rest of us heal that way either. Thanks again for sharing this, I was really touched by reading it.



AG