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Hi BlahBlahBlah,
Welcome! Just the fact that you posted is a huge step towards your healing!
Yes, we all have awful scary days. In my case more than i'd like. Dark thoughts, uncomfortable feelings and it's definitely not easy learning to cope with this. The fact that you're 18 and already aknowledged what's going on will help you find yourself in a better place so much sooner than most people!
There is something you mentioned but didn't really go deeper in: your eating disorder.
I can relate to you feelings towards people. We tend to push them away because we don't feel worthy. But you are, and there are probably many people trying to reach out to you and who care for you.
You see, even though I might have many of the same issues and can't or don't know how to deal with them, I do see the picture a lot clearer when it comes to others. In some strange way this helps me cope with myself, and take it one day at a time. And what I want to say even though i went randomly around my thoughts, is that you are very brave and worthy. Do what's best for you. YOU are the most important person in YOUR life. And in my humble opinion, you're on the right track!
Keep posting,
i
Welcome! Just the fact that you posted is a huge step towards your healing!
Yes, we all have awful scary days. In my case more than i'd like. Dark thoughts, uncomfortable feelings and it's definitely not easy learning to cope with this. The fact that you're 18 and already aknowledged what's going on will help you find yourself in a better place so much sooner than most people!
There is something you mentioned but didn't really go deeper in: your eating disorder.
I can relate to you feelings towards people. We tend to push them away because we don't feel worthy. But you are, and there are probably many people trying to reach out to you and who care for you.
You see, even though I might have many of the same issues and can't or don't know how to deal with them, I do see the picture a lot clearer when it comes to others. In some strange way this helps me cope with myself, and take it one day at a time. And what I want to say even though i went randomly around my thoughts, is that you are very brave and worthy. Do what's best for you. YOU are the most important person in YOUR life. And in my humble opinion, you're on the right track!
Keep posting,
i
Welcome to the forums, I hope you do keep posting! It sounds like you are in a tough place, I'm glad to hear you are seeking out help.
I wouldn't describe transference as a problem. It can be tough and confusing, but it's also a way to understand yourself better and learn to develop a healthy relationship.
Sometimes, I think that when we engage with a therapist, they are just biding their time until you "develop transference issues" so you can get started on the real work
As so many people keep telling me ... keep talking!
quote:Originally posted by BlahBlahBlah:
Like many of you have posted here, I've developed transference problems with my therapist.
I wouldn't describe transference as a problem. It can be tough and confusing, but it's also a way to understand yourself better and learn to develop a healthy relationship.
Sometimes, I think that when we engage with a therapist, they are just biding their time until you "develop transference issues" so you can get started on the real work
As so many people keep telling me ... keep talking!
Hi BlahBlahBlah! I'm glad you posted (and I really like your name)! I hope you can stick around awhile if you like it here.
You know what's funny about your above statement??? I could have written the SAME thing and it would be very, very true for me; especially at your age (I'm just about 4 years older than you). I know how very hard it can be to live with someone like your mother... almost toxic in my experience. It's almost like living in another world i think... any plans to move out now that you've graduated?
That is a HUGE realization isn't it? It's like someone has finally turned the lights on... but it doesn't really make living in the situation any easier. I'm proud of you though-- for being willing to begin to embrace it. I'm so happy your therapist believes you... I, too, lived a childhood where NO ONE heard my screams for help. The freedom that comes with being trusted to tell your story is an amazing feeling.
You say a lot of things in the above quote that I think are important... I don't want to bombard you or overwhelm you, but I have a few questions/comments for you... ignore them if I'm out of line for saying these things too soon!
1. It is NOT abnormal by any means to want your therapist to parent you. It is a VERY natural reaction... especially for those of us who DIDN'T get what we needed from our mothers.
2. What about the desire to have her parent you do you find disgusting?
3. How do you think your therapist would react if you told her how you were feeling? What do you think it might do for you?
4. If nothing else, remember that the things you are wanting are NOT bad things. They don't make you bad, awful, gross, stupid, etc... they make you a human with needs. Remember, your family members were the sick ones first, and you just haven't had someone to show you what to do with all the things you feel inside. But you DESERVE just as much nuturance and love and joy as your therapist's kids... and just because you are an adult in age doesn't mean you have finished growing up inside. Parts of you weren't tended to or cared for... but your therapist can help you learn to cherish those parts and she can teach you how to help them grow up. It will not be easy... there will be a lot to grieve and a lot to learn, but this scenario:
doesn't have to happen unless that is TRULY what you want. You are worthy of relationships with loving people... and I think your work with your therapist can show you that. I hope you stick with it and keep going. I also hope you stick around here... we're glad to have you!
-CT
quote:Although never formally diagnosed, I believe that my mother has narcassistic or borderline personality disorder. It's been, sort of tough living with her my whole life. Anyways, I think because of this I've constantly tried to find a sort of substitute, especially during the past 3-4 years. Although, I'm never obvious about it, I've never confronted anyone about it, and no one else has done the same to me either. Which is good. Umm, I've been having a difficult time expressing emotions or I guess comprehending emotions,
You know what's funny about your above statement??? I could have written the SAME thing and it would be very, very true for me; especially at your age (I'm just about 4 years older than you). I know how very hard it can be to live with someone like your mother... almost toxic in my experience. It's almost like living in another world i think... any plans to move out now that you've graduated?
quote:I just recently realized that it was them who was sick, not me originally.
That is a HUGE realization isn't it? It's like someone has finally turned the lights on... but it doesn't really make living in the situation any easier. I'm proud of you though-- for being willing to begin to embrace it. I'm so happy your therapist believes you... I, too, lived a childhood where NO ONE heard my screams for help. The freedom that comes with being trusted to tell your story is an amazing feeling.
quote:Anyways, so recently, maybe past month or so, I've really wanted my therapist to, well, parent me. Yeah, it's so disgusting, I'm so repulsed by myself and these thoughts. But I want so badly to tell her these things. She's just such a nice person. I can't stand being around nice people. I get extremely jealous, like I know she has kids and I just imagine what it must be like to be them and have someone like you and even LOVE you and just be nice to you and take care of you. I'm really embarassed to admit this, but I even wish that I had the courage to ask for a hug. It's so stupid. I don't understand it, but I just wantone so bad, but I don't think I'll ever do it. It's something so simple, but I want it so greatly. I used to hope that one day, someone will realize that I'm not a bad person
You say a lot of things in the above quote that I think are important... I don't want to bombard you or overwhelm you, but I have a few questions/comments for you... ignore them if I'm out of line for saying these things too soon!
1. It is NOT abnormal by any means to want your therapist to parent you. It is a VERY natural reaction... especially for those of us who DIDN'T get what we needed from our mothers.
2. What about the desire to have her parent you do you find disgusting?
3. How do you think your therapist would react if you told her how you were feeling? What do you think it might do for you?
4. If nothing else, remember that the things you are wanting are NOT bad things. They don't make you bad, awful, gross, stupid, etc... they make you a human with needs. Remember, your family members were the sick ones first, and you just haven't had someone to show you what to do with all the things you feel inside. But you DESERVE just as much nuturance and love and joy as your therapist's kids... and just because you are an adult in age doesn't mean you have finished growing up inside. Parts of you weren't tended to or cared for... but your therapist can help you learn to cherish those parts and she can teach you how to help them grow up. It will not be easy... there will be a lot to grieve and a lot to learn, but this scenario:
quote:So I've pretty much already set in stone my future plans of living alone the rest of my life, in a small house away from everyone.
doesn't have to happen unless that is TRULY what you want. You are worthy of relationships with loving people... and I think your work with your therapist can show you that. I hope you stick with it and keep going. I also hope you stick around here... we're glad to have you!
-CT
How are you doing BlahBlahBlah? I hope you have been having some better days.
-CT
-CT
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quote:Originally posted by BlahBlahBlah:
Do any of you have difficulty talking about your feelings? Any tipsThe majority of my time with her is me attempting to change the topic, but she sees through it lol and we'll get back to how I feel about something, and I usually just don't answer, stare out the window, mumble an I don't know, or sometimes I'll try to answer. Any advice on this? Anyone know why I do this? Is it because I don't trust her, maybe? As much as I want to, I'm not sure if I do completely.
It used to be that I was sure that any feelings I thought I had were "wrong" in the sense that I couldn't know what they were, so if I told anyone, they would correct me. In this way, I had a terrible time talking about my feelings because I was so sure I'd be wrong. Not wrong as in bad, but wrong as if I told someone that the value of PI is 4. For me, it just took a lot of time, and small steps. I tell my P about something I was feeling, and he reacted positively, and so I felt encouraged to talk about something else, or something more personal. So, I guess my tip is ... just keep at it, do what you can, and don't stop.
It sounds like you may be avoiding certain topic and feelings, it's certainly possible that you don't trust her with these thoughts and feelings yet. It may be you don't trust yourself with them yet. These things take time.
You are allowed to have feelings! Feelings are ok, even painful ones, even nice ones. Being angry is ok too. Try not to be like me and direct it all towards yourself. Down that path lies pain.
I hope some of that is helpful and not just annoying "patience young grasshopper" talk.