Hi Montanagrl,

Welcome! It sounds brutal, what you've been through and what you are going through.

It doesn't sound like there's a lot of support there for you, which is terrible considering what you are going through. You need support and you need it fast. Maybe you can try an online counselor. This website offers it, for instance. Just so you know, I am not afflilated in any way with this website.

Our feelings are our feelings. They are part of our memories. It doesn't matter how old we get. We may experience feelings that we had at the age of five, for instance. Current experiences trigger old feelings.

I just wanted to respond to your post and let you know I was listening. Keep posting. There are a lot of smart, knowledgeable and supportive posters here who can be helpful.

(((((HUGS)))))

Liese

Hi montanagrl

First of all, I just want to say welcome! I'm in the states - and it's good to connect from the other side of the planet. I'm glad you are here. I have friends who live or have lived in other non-western countries and yeah, in different cultures they have really different attitudes about therapy. In my area here in the u.s., they even have therapists who specialize in helping people from other countries adjust to life in the states - at one clinic I found an article about a support group for people within the states who have moved here. Therapy is hard enough, and therapy across cultural barriers can even be harder. (oh, I smaybe should say I loved the culture I was in abroad - I'm not saying or implying anything bad about any other cultures at all. Again, in my town they have a support group for people adjusting to life here. And that was just for the culture differences - all the other issues of life are there too for people in all areas of the world.)

When I was abroad for a short while, I kept in contact with my T here and it really helped me deal with all the regular stuff and helped me adjust more to the culture I was in abroad. We could only stay in contact through email and skype, as the phone was too expensive, and yet it was so helpful. It sounds like you don't have a T here you might be able to connect with. What about online therapy? I know China blocks some sites, but you were able to reach here. Is online therapy an option? I know this site itself has links to online therapists. Even I, living here in the states, considered it for awhile when I couldn't find a T here who was the right fit. I think there are a couple people here too on this forum that have mentioned they see Ts online via video chat interactions. Of course there would be finanical and logistical (and internet) matter sthat could be barriers to this, but just wanted to propose that as a possible option for therapy.

If there are any therapists in your area, it might be a good idea to try them even with the cultural differences. Some things are universal - especially the need for connection and support, and while they may not understand everything intimately, there might be fewer barriers to getting genuine support and care than you might think. Also, if there is any univeristy nearby, they might have people there who would be able to bridge any gaps easier too. Again, I was abroad for awhile, and I can't say where, but I've been in places with simillar cultural barriers and yet was surprised consistenly about how love and compassion and support there was when I struggled... it might be worth a try if there is anyone in your area. Not because you are messed up or anything - but just because of the amount of nightmarish things you have been through - any ONE of those things would be huge stressors that most people need help to get through in healthy ways. In fact moving and divorce and deaths are all in the top 10 stressors and it sounds like your family is not a great source of support because of distance and their own issues.

Regardless, therapist or not, I am certainly glad you are here.

It sounds like you are dealing with a TON of stuff - the divorce, lack of fertility and PCOS (which is hard as is with or without the fertility problems!), your very blaming and unsupporive mother, the death of your grandmother, your brothers attempted suicide and injury, a horribly abusive relationship and now a new relationship with someone who has been sharing a lot with you about the past about his relationsips with other girls (in a way that might triggering even more stuff from your divorce and other abusive relationships to come up)...

It makes a ton of sense that you would be struggling to trust.

I'm not a therapist at all, by any means. I'm just someone in therapy dealing with my own stuff. Yet it is really clear you have been through hell and back and survived a lot of awful trauma.

quote:

i guess i do have huge issues with trust now. but how can i get over so much and just live my life again? i feel like it was taken from me and i just want it back!

I have PTSD myself. I hate saying I do, but I do. And right here, what you wrote, is the first step. And you can live life more freely again.

quote:

i was a psychology major in university and helping onself i think is harder than helping others.

This is very very true. In fact, I would say it can be dangerous to rely 100% on yourself. Even good therapists usually have gone through their own therapy. It's not just about therapy - but that as a means for outside support. Outside support from a trained pro can help even more than outside support, but outside support is something even the best therapists need.

quote:

i just want to feel like myself again. i like who i am, but im lost. i hate these feelings of being a trapped untrusting jealous person living in the past. i can not see the person my boyfriend is now because i am blocked from the things he has done in the past! When i sit down and think about myself, these are feelings that should be felt when a teenager arnt they? so now that i am a grown woman why i am experiencing them now and how do i get my life back

your feelings sound very very normal. First of all, it would be normal to have trust issues after what you have been through. Also, I have read and heard that when in a relationship, until the relationship is strong enough, it's best to be more quiet about the past. I don't know if I agree about this or not. However, there is the reality that it would be normal for your boyfriends past actions to affect how you feel towards him now. If it didn't affect you, I'd actually be more worried. How to handle it... I don't know. I think if this guy is a good guy now, it is totally possible to develop a good strong relationship with him and get past the trust issues. How? I'm not sure. (again, I'm not a therapist) It seems like it would take time and work processing and working through the past stuff - all the stuff that has happened that would make it hard to trust ANYONE. That would be important to do regardless of any relationship with this guy or anyone else. And to be in relationship with this guy - it would take time for both of you to work on it together. You have to learn to trust, but not in a way that in blind. He would have to learn how to be trustworthy, which includes honesty (sounds like he has that part down) and a lot more than just honesty... Have you tried talking him about how this affects you? Does he know about the past abusive relationships in your life? If so, how does he respond to it all?

You reffer to the culture being different about women than here - do you mean how the culture tends to look down on women and girls? or what do you mean? (I don't want to make any wrong assuptions here, but I do have a friend who lives in China and I know a little of how very different than the US.)

Despite the cultural differences, some things are just not ok. Like abuse. And some things make sense - like naturally being distrusting after what you have been through and being distrusting of someone who has a past like he does. How does the infertitily affect the relationship? Do you talk about how it affects you both with him much? If not, then these would be good things to talk with him about - and my friend in China has a great husband and they talk about this kind of personal stuff in their relationship... it is doable - and hard. There or in the US.

I know it might not feel so good to hear that what you have been through sounds like significant trauma, and that it takes time and support to work through this stuff - but the good news is that there is hope and it is doable and it can be better and you can not only have your life back, but be even better in the end.

I hope you keep posting and that to what degree we can be, we can be a supportive outlet and community for you through this. I admire you for your courage and strength - and I'm so glad you posted.

~jane

Welcome to the forum, Montana.

I have PCOS too. It can be so frustrating. Not only is it difficult to live with, but it can be so frustrating when so few people know anything about it, particularly how it is related to moods/hormones.

Oh, and my husband left me when we found out about my infertility as well. Trust me when I say that you are better off without a guy like that. People say that to me all of the time, but it took me a while to actually believed it.

I'm glad you have reached out here and I look forward to getting to know you better.

thank you guys so much for all the support. i am so glad i took the time to post.

The biggest difference here partaining to women and girls is how they treat them. women should wash clothes, do laundry, take care of the house and work. men go drinking with their friends at bars or ktv. married or not most men will still pay money for another woman to accompany them. i have really big trust issues as it is but when i am in a country where cheating is normal and prominant, its makes it ten times worse. As far as the guy i am with he is very supportive, and also very frustrated. he is very supportive with my infertility. for example when i see a baby or a pregnant woman sometimes i cry. all the females in my family have been pregnant or is pregnant within the last 5 years. and every where i go here i can see pregnant women and sometimes it just breaks me down. he will hold me and comfort me and tell me it will happen when i'm ready. he is more optimistic than i am. i have also sat down and told him about how my ex treated me, and when we do discuss it gets very angry and says "i don't understand how that person can call himself a man. kicking and punching a woman like shes a punching bag i can just not respect him" he always called him trash. he understands thats i have trust issues and some things trigger my fears from the past. he understands hes just frustrated. he always says " i havnt done anything yet and your afraid of me, dont trust me" which i know i really know hes right. and i understand what hes saying. i am making him suffer for my own insecurities. for example when i go to work at night, i put on parental control on my computer so he can not access any adult websites, and always tell him to behave. i have to say behave at least 4 times before im comfortable enough to go to work because im afraid of what i might find when i get home. i know he is paying the price for my fear and i try so hard to contain it. i try not to let my insecurities and fears run my life. He is a great man and a breath of fresh air in my life. when my father past away in october of last year (two weeks before my little brothers birthday) he sat outside with me on the phone to my family listening to how he died. he held my hand as i cried and he cried along with me. when i hurt he really hurts along with me. when my ex came back looking for me, he saw him at our complex door. i had to run infront of him so he wouldnt punch my ex. violence never solved anything. hes supportive as much as he can be, but he gets confused and rightly so. i get angry when he hasnt done anything on the implication he will.

i found out i had pcos in 2008. i always knew i had a problem but i have a big fear of needles so i never went to the doctor to figure out just what that problem was. then finally i got the nerve to go to the doc and get all the tests done and found out i have pcos. even if i had gone in earlier i would still be fighting infertility because i never really had my menstruation. Along with the infertility i am also battling my weight and hersutism. When i was a little younger i was a model for clothes an doing theatre work. around 21 my hersutism became very noticable so i had to start shaving my chin every morning before i left to go anywhere. waking up every morning and seeing how hairy i am makes me so unbelievably depressed. i cant wear shorts or cute little capris anymore because i have to shave my legs every single day. i just cant do it its too annoying. its so hard looking in the mirror saying "yea, thats me" i dont want it to be me. i dont want to suffer with infertility, hairy body. i feel like fuzzy wuzzy!!!!! my husband was never supportive when he found out about the hairy chin he use to make gagging noises and when we found out i would be batteling infertility he use to call me an empty balloon. i want nothing more in this world to be a mother, to feel a little baby growing inside, to bond with it for that special 9 months. i know adoption is always a choice and i would love the child just the same as my own. but its realy hard to adopt and i wouldnt have that magical bond of the 9 months its in my stomach. my ex use to kick me in the stomach and say tell me my uterus is useless anyway, why not kick? im sure he has done more damage, but i hae gone to the doctor and other than bruising no damage. yesterday my boyfriend and i had a talk about everything. i cried for over an hour. again he told me about more of his past.. i don't want to know these things... i really really dont.. not knowing is better than knowing. i dont want know the intimate details about his past because it affects me being intimate with him. im not a prude, i know everyone has had past relationships but i dont need to hear about it. sigh, however, people are strange in that we ask questions that we dont really want to know the answer to but we ask them anyway. morbid curiosity i guess.

and yes, i have thought about the online counceling and would love to try it, however i don't have credit cards. i canceled those when i came here because not many places use credit cards. so i would have no way of paying. and the closest therapist is about 4 hours away by train. so that would be a really expensive session. i have gone to counceling before for 10 years. i went then to help me with my fear of abandonment. i never knew my father and when i was 5 i called him on the phone with my family standing by for support and i said " hi dad it's me your daughter, why don't you want me" what else was a kid suppose to say and he said " because you are worse than the garbage i put out on my street every morning" he said that to a 5 year old! i felt like a semi had hit me head on. so have been to therapy, and would like to continue its just kind of difficult.