Hi all - another newbie here.

This is all really new to me. I have been recommended a therapist by a very good friend of mine after hitting some huge events in my life that have all triggered some long-buried issues/emotions that I can no longer deal with.

At the moment, I'm trying to get my head around the fact that I am no longer fighting the fact that I (will be) finally seeing a therapist. I tried this years ago, had one session with a rubbish counsellor and never went back - I convinced myself that I was fine, except I was on medication for depression........! Now, I recognise that unless I do start this work, the rest of my life is going to be as dysfunctional as the first part, if not worse.

I am really apprehensive about doing this, I find it really, really hard to trust and open up to people face to face, to show my vulnerabilities. I spend my life doing, doing, doing so I don't have to think about me, because when I do, I have no clue how to cope with it. I don't like who I am.

Anyway, the irony is that the T who has been recommended to me is on holiday, then I am on holiday, so I can't see him until September. I am so lucky that I have my closest friend (who already sees this T and is in a much more stable state than I am) to talk about my fears and despair to, as much as I can, but I am wary that doing this is too much for him...

Ugh - such a mess. I know that I have problems stemming from a terrible relationship with my mother and father who divorced when i was 2 and who each, in their own way, have massive problems of their own which have distilled into the perfect storm of me. I always feel the need to be in control, see rejection and abandonment where there is none, but at the same time, find it impossible to get close to most people, even when that is what they want.

I also have this fear, like a big black cloud, that something went on in my childhood, that I'm not remembering. It's like trying to remember somebody's phone number that you haven't spoken to for years - you know that you know it, but it's just outside your memory in a thick fog. This frightens me more than anything - I am terrified to know what it is, but I need to see what it is.

So, here I am, on the verge of beginning a long journey. It's fair to say I am in a real mess, that I am, most days, just dragging myself through to get to the end. Some days are better than others. Some are much worse.

I really hope I can get to September without getting too much worse.