More or less a month ago I went home for a week and a half. I didn't want to go, but I kind of had to. I don't like going home in general and I don't like being far away from my T.
When I came back I was a bit off balance with my T. Like I forgot him and had to try to go back to where I was before. It just felt so different, not the same as before. I think my trip home required from me to disconnect certain wires in my brain, so then I had to spend some time getting back to the "initial setup".
But things have changed more because my T moved to his own office (which is in the process of being furnished and taken care of), we had to discuss the hours, he wanted to change them, I didn't like it, he made them the way that suits me, but I felt a bit worried about my demands. We also started to meet twice a week, which is nice, I don't have to spend my whole week counting days till Monday.
The difference is that my T doesn't open the door for me anymore, just told me to come when I arrive. I still prefer to knock and wait for him to tell me to come in. I think I also stopped being so afraid and worked up before my session. I don't remember feeling this way recently. I was worried that he will stop walking me to the exit as he used to, he always said "take care, see you next week" and patted my back or my arm for good-bye which was so precious and important to me. I asked him about it and he keeps it up as it used to be.
Good thing is that I can use the toilet without letting him know that I want to. Before I had to ring the bell, he would let me in and then I would ask for the bathroom. Now I walk up the stairs, go to the toilet and then knock at the door. The funny thing is that I told him that, and I still keep telling him about me going to the toilet before or after the session. What is it about?
I begin to like the new office, but was a bit fussy at the begining. There were memories in the old place, and I got used to the old place. However it doesn't matter that much since he still is there, and is the same I guess.
Recently I really want to annoy him somehow. I try to critisize him a bit, not much, more in a cheeky way than seriously. I want some reaction of him. Maybe I want some reaction that will make me angry at him, because I really have no reason to be angry. It's like I want a fight or an argument or something, not a serious one of course. He is wonderful as usual, he laughs, he smiles, he talks his usual bullshit too, he is still nice and good and caring too I suppose.
Before I was sitting in this uncomfortable chair, now I don't know how to sit on this sofa. I keep moving and changing position. Once he told me to lie down and close my eyes. He asked me to imagine his face, well, I couldn't do this. I keep forgetting his face. He noticed that it is very difficult for me to hold on to good memories. That's true, I don't remember a lot of things. They just vanish, i can't recall what somebody did or said in a particular important moment.
So anyway I'm beginning to like his office (which is going to be painted over this weekend, I wonder if I will like the colour, probably will have to make a fuss about it too
) and I'm making myself at home. I think he is happy about the office too. Every now and again he would say, what is he going to get for this place, that he is going to put a lamp here, a bookshelf there and so on. He joked that he is going to put a huge clock on the wall behind him, where i could see it (he knows I hate the clock and I always turn it away from me). I think I'm back to feeling close to him again, as much as I am able too. But it is kind of changing. I still love him in child's way, but the child is getting bigger, less afraid and more annoying. I keep changing from a small child into a bigger child, then into a teen girl perhaps?, then back to a small child when I'm afraid.
He sits a bit closer and I can see his blue eyes much better. I can actually see that they are blue, before they were just dark.
I had a dream few nights ago, that I was lying with him on the sofa and touching him. He really has lovely arms and I keep staring at them, trying to imagine what does he look like underneath his clothes. Once he was wearing black short sleeved shirt, and kind of light trousers. He looked absolutely gorgeous. I didn't know where to look. He does really have nice body from what I can see, really nice to look at. So I look at him and admire him and try not to let him notice that I'm trying to look through his clothes... which he recently did notice, but I said nothing on the subject and he didn't press me. I think he noticed the panic on my face.
I think I'm taking it easy for the moment, settling down and perhaps sometime soon, I will have to tell him something more about how I feel, something more about what happened in the past, something about my relationships, or rather encounters with men which caused me a lot of pain that time.
I feel so safe with him. I want to keep this, I don't want this ever to change. I don't want to loose it. I want this to be something constant in my life. Having him in my life, makes me feel so much more normal, stronger, consolidated, not afraid, not worried about the future, about being alone, about what other people think about me. I feel so happy with him. It's like I found somebody I was waiting for all my life.
You are a very lucky woman.