Decided to switch pdocs because the other I saw is quite a distance from my house. So, I went to the new one today intent on telling him nothing and wound up telling him everything, in response to his questions, except for two details. He looked distressed and I asked why. He said, you have a lot of trauma.

He asked me what brought about my breakdown last year and I told him the story about how I wrote to my T and asked him to call me and he didn't call. Then I told him about the "you don't care about me" conversation, when T said, what do you want from me, I give you eye contact, I don't answer the phone, etc. etc.

And he asked me, and so, you weren't feeling it, like he cared about you? And I said no I wasn't feeling it. He called that an impasse. And then asked me if I left him then? At the time I thought he was wondering to my feelings for my T and the limits of the relationship. And so, I said no, that I'm there to do therapy and if feelings arise incidental to the therapy, well, then what are you going to do?

My anxious side thinks he thought I should have left, that that's what most people do when they have feelings for their T. But now I'm not so sure that's what he was referring to and maybe he really was referring to the impasse.

Maybe I'm still not clear on what feelings were really real, in terms of not really getting a sense of caring from him and/or wanting him to love me. And the more he seemed to withhold caring, the more I fell so deeply into that horrible hole I was in.

I have been in a good spot with my T lately as you all know but now as I think back on how withholding he was, I can't get over the thought of how punitive that seemed to be and how uncaring. And, so now I'm falling back into that black hole and wondering if I should bring it up in tomorrow's session. I know he'll ask about the consult anyway, so I guess that would give me an opportunity to ask him any unfinished questions.

Because at the time, I didn't really give legitimacy to the fact that I needed to know he cared about me. I felt ashamed of my feelings for him and they were getting all mixed up together. I was giving more weight to what he thought what going on, which was my romantic feelings for him, than the fact that I had a *real* need to know he cared. Sure, I did have those but I *think* I also had a real need to know he cared within the limits of the therapeutic relationship.

That article on dependency that I always talk about does talk about exactly that, that if the T is too distant, he or she may be experienced as punitive. So I'm trying not to go back into that black hole again.

God, I hate those consults. Well, hopefully that's the last one I'll ever go to.