Songbird,
My best advice is to GO SLOWLY and remember to breathe. I would move slowly and make sure that you get sufficient time alone and/or with your T to examine what is going on in the relationship and space in which you can examine your feelings, needs and wants. One difficult realization I came to in working with my T was that I was almost incapable of knowing what I wanted when I was around another person. I just automatically deferred to what they wanted. It took a long time to learn to believe I had a right to what I wanted sometimes, let alone learn how to actual discern what that was. So take it slow and pay alot of attention. Give yourself permission to pay attention to you.

Sorry about what sounds like a rough year, glad to see your coming out of it. And very happy to see you back here!

AG

thanks AG, that sounds like a good idea!

Although I feel reluctant to share much with my T. As he is male I kind of want to tell him my love life is none of his business and feel ridiculous about thinking this at the same time. And as I'm a bit of a coward I only manage small amounts of sharing in one go. Your advice about taking it slowly is doubly useful .

quote:

I was almost incapable of knowing what I wanted when I was around another person. I just automatically deferred to what they wanted

That sounds very familiar AG! And when I do notice I get easily panicked and into hating myself when I don't act on it. Sigh... I think that happens even when posting here come to think of it...

SB

HI SB,
This is the reason I think that although it's not very comfortable, it's important to include your
T in on the discussions. I discovered my inability to identify my needs in a very curious way. My husband and I had a couples session scheduled for a Wednesday night (when we made it I had had to reschedule a hair cut from that night to Thursday night). My husband realized he couldn't make it because of his work schedule but I was going to go anyway since I didn't have an individual session scheduled. My T called on Tuesday and said he needed to reschedule the appt from Wednesday night to Thursday night. While on the phone with him, I checked my calendar and realized I would have to reschedule my hair appt back to the original time I had already changed for this appt. and my hair was badly in need of attention. So I very calmly told my T that I had been planning on coming in alone but I had an appt the following Tuesday and I would be fine until then. He very considerately checked in with me again and asked if I was sure I was ok with that, and I assured him I was, thanked him for the call and hung up. As soon as the phone hit the cradle (and I was in my office at work) I burst out into hysterical tears I was SO disappointed. I didn't let myself think about it, I immediately picked the phone back up, called his service and left a message that I would want to come in on Thursday. I heard back from him fairly quickly that I could come in. When I saw him that night we talked about what had happened. He was extremely encouraging about how I handled it; he loved that I had called back and hadn't tried to hide what happened. Which was good to hear because I felt like an idiot. I told him that when I told him on the phone I was fine, I wasn't lying, that I had really meant it. It wasn't until I hung up that I realized how I felt. He totally agreed and told me that this was an excellent example of the fact that it was almost impossible for me to know what my own feelings were if I wasn't alone because I was SO focused on the other person, and their needs and feelings.

It took me a VERY long time of my T holding still, refusing to give me any inking of what he wanted and being really patient for me to start to be able to identify and express my needs. And it terrified me in the beginning because I was convinced that I would be punished for doing so.

So the reason I'm saying to keep your T involved is because your relationship with him is all about your needs, so there's no pressure or desire for you to conform to the other persons needs. So you can learn to listen there first and then take it on the road.

AG

Dear AG,

quote:

I told him that when I told him on the phone I was fine, I wasn't lying, that I had really meant it. It wasn't until I hung up that I realized how I felt. He totally agreed and told me that this was an excellent example of the fact that it was almost impossible for me to know what my own feelings were if I wasn't alone

yes, that describes it well! Sometimes I only need to hear people in other rooms, in the hall to get like that. Thank god for earplugs! Argh!!! It's so infuriating and I want to CHANGE! So I need to remind myself that things take time and I have been getting "better" (asked my t for a tissue the other day with only a little internal jolt...)

Thanks for sharing AG, I feel less of an idiot

SB