Wow Sheychen you remembered her saying all those things? Her words really must have gotten through to you. From the sounds of it she really does know what she’s doing, does understand your situation and set up (she’s actually listened to you and heard you!) and is really offering you some of the things you so need. Way to go!

Lol titty T is a bit Freudian, but Steady T does sound a whole lot more positive!

I particularly like the way she explained boundaries and that she will hold to them when you need to push against them - so you don’t need to be afraid of the same thing happening as with C. She sounds strong and certain and yeah, being quite clear that she can contain you. That sounds great!

I’m so glad this session went well for you - I hope now you don’t need to keep looking for another T. (((( Sheychen ))))

LL

quote:

whilst feeling very safe and contained by the boundaries of this SteadyT.

Oh WOW Sheychen this is just fabulous
I thought from earlier posts that she seemed very insightful with you She's given you so much already - her obvious understanding of you, her care to explain her boundaries and how that might play out at times and her praise for how you've handled yourself during this horrid time and general encouragement No wonder you feel safe and contained - I'm so excited for you Of course you will miss NewFinder but you're moving on in a much healthier way
Hugs
Morgs

Hi Sheychen,

just wanted to say that the session sounded really great ... It seems to me that you could have been turned off by the no tea thing and you could have made an excuse not to go back but but you decided to give it a second try .... and the payoff was great, so far ...

I had a great session with my T today ... so I am feeling good tonight but he's not as straightfoward as no tea T is ... and I wish he would be a little more straightforward ... Right before all my recent pain, he did tell me that many people leave therapy because it gets too painful .... but that is the first and last ....

so I am wondering if i can ask you about the boundary thing .... and what is it about the boundaries ... is it that because our parents didn't set appropriate boundaries? and we grew up testing them, but really looking for love? And are the abandonment pains related to the trauma? Or does abandonment often lead to a life of trauma? Thanks for any clarification ....

Sheychen,
So happy to hear that things went so well with SteadyT. I was especially impressed with her warning about what was up ahead (highly accurate based on my experience) and even happier to hear how clear and committed she is to providing what you need instead of what you want. That made all the difference in the world in healing. I'm looking forward to hearing about your journey with her.

Short answer on boundaries: all good relationships of ANY kind (including the theraputic one) are based on clear boundaries. They let us know where we end and where another person begins and identify what we're responsible for and what we're not responsible for (this prevents large outlays of effort over things we have no control over). We're supposed to have clear ones modeled as children, Ts are often trying to teach us this very important skill because they have healthy ones.

Trauma as a child often accompanies abandonment, because in the case of neglect, physical abuse or sexual abuse, the person who is supposed to be caring for you and meeting your needs is failing to do so and in the case of either type of abuse is going one step further and instead using you to meet their needs. This is abandonment by definition because you're needs are not being met nor can you go somewhere else to get them met.

Hope that's a good start.

AG

quote:

When you start to shake and tremble and teeth chatter - stay with that if you are in a safe place, as I feel you are holding enormous trauma in the body and you actually need to release it.

Wow Sheychen this really resonated with me as I do this a lot lately when I'm alone or even with NewT when we talk about what happened to me and I didn't connect it to being all the recent trauma I'm holding in my body. I didn't shake as much in today's session although I was crying. NewT commented that I seemed more at ease with him. Maybe I was.

Aside from this... SteadyT sounds wonderful and just what you need. I like her openness and being so straight forward about things like boundaries but she also gives you credit for how well you have handled this and made you recognize that. I think her experience really makes a difference.... she has SEEN and been through the "process" and understands how it will play out and she will not be scared away by stuff that comes out. And she does recognize your inner child who needs to be heard and to even test those boundaries.

She tells you that she has worked with many trauma patients and this gives here the confidence to know that she can contain you and that she will be able to stay with you through the grief and the mourning that needs to be done to release the past.

I really like the sound of her, even without the tea LOL. I wish you all the best in your work with her.

TN

From my blog again, sorry guys, but easier than typing it all out over again.

I am feeling like I have some ground to stand on, both in myself and out there, in that I think SteadyT will keep steady, she has been there and done that, all of it, herself, she is fully aware of the terrain ahead, unlike NewFinder. (It struck me that NewFinder was actually a NEW finder, new to this finding lark, new to the process and so was truly travelling unchartered territory. She was very new to it all and so stumbling a lot. )

I go and see the psychologist today (never did seem to get round to making a name for him!).

It is an interesting session, most of the first half taken up with my fear around my file being seen by other people and what he might write in it. That took up a LOT of time.

Also about the system, that I have no say when things will end or what he does. And the whole mental health setting, how it is demeaning and dehumanising in many ways although I stressed that he is not, he is being very 'equal' and real. He explained that his supervisor is a psychodynamic trained person and does not go by the 'mental health services' model which he finds helpful.

WE talked about how I learnt as a child to separate out the bad and the good and I often compartmentalised the bad, and stuffed it to one side, to live with the good that I could find in situations. It made me often not see the bad later in life, as I was used to living with one part of my visual range blinded.

We talked about how I might want to tell him something that I don't want written down, that if it is not a danger to myself or others and if it does not break that particular set of rules that mean they have to make a note of it, there would be times when I want it absolutely NOT written down. I said I might just want to tell you something that is private and remains just here in this moment in this room and he said he would and could hear that and could do that if I needed it.

I said that the room I was in felt permeable, in that information leaked out of there into files, into cabinets, that other people had access to. It did not feel boundaried and contained and private which is so unlike psychotherapy in a private setting.

He said he could not keep my file in a separate cabinet from all the other 'patients' (though I think he used the term, 'other people who come here' as he knows that I feel very hurt when referred to as a patient). He said he would like to but one of their own rules is that my file has to be accessible by others who may have to work on my case. Sigh. Like if the crisis team were pulled in. Or my doctor or 'a psychiatrist' wanted to know something. ( I don't have a psychiatrist, I only have friends who are!)

Sigh double sigh.

We talked about how India is actually an old echo, I have worked on most of that stuff but it does a very good job of deflecting people if I want them to keep away from the areas that now hurt the most, like the small child attachment stuff. If I bring up ANYTHING about India, most people will get caught up in that and not realize that I am distracting them and myself. This is especially the case once i get out of the anniversary time.

We also touched on the issue that my smaller child self aged tiny to 8 years old, is very frightened and is very scared and hurts off the scale. I said how I am actually looking after that part of me now but also I talked about how on Saturday I let some of that pain out and I was okay with it. I said that I sort of did not want him to be able to access that part of me as I did not want to hurt him and I actually mean that, as look what I did to NewFinder. I do not want to hurt him and yet I warned him that the child in me who is hurting off the scale will find his weak and vulnerable area and go for that. It is inevitable. I don't plan it, it just happens. He agreed that he felt this was true.

I have not told him about SteadyT - I am 'enjoying' having two therapists at once. My child likes this a lot.

I KNOW I would be daft to actually try to work with two therapists simultaneously, so does anyone have any experience of this working? Steadyt is a psychotherapist with 18 years own therapy. P is a clinical psychologist with only 14 personal sessions under his belt, so not experienced in that way. More intellectually trained. I kinda like the idea of working with both of them they bring their different skills to the arena.

Also, my experience with NewFinder has taught me that I could be chucked by P anytime and so I want SteadyT there and that way I won't mind so much if he does chuck me and walk away, she will be there.

Tired out. Next week i see him on Tuesday 10am and her on Thursday 3pm so it won't feel quite so one after the other.

Hi, Sheychen...wow I like the sound of steadyT...awesome. It strikes me that the caring that she is able to give will actually mean something because of the strong boundaries she has in place. I think from what you have written she sounds wonderful.

It sound like the psychologist is good, too...is steady T ok with you seeing him as well as her? If steady T is ok with it, I'd go for it...

Good that you are trying to find the way out of your last painful experience. Good for you!

Be well,

Blackbird