New T Cancelled on me Today :(

kmayMember

I was looking forward to today's session with her b/c its been a rough week. Usually, the day before a session I get this overwhelming feeling of no wanting to go. It didn't happen quite that way this time. It was still there, but I felt a more overwhelming need to see her. I am in the middle of my meds ween and am just starting to feel the first small effects of it. It's nothing I can't handle, but it scares me b/c of my experience with my previous attempt at a meds ween. It's like I'm just waiting to crash.

In addition I am going through a huge transition at work. The AMAZING company that I have worked for during the last 9 years was bought out. I built alot of strong relationships that have all been split up during this transition and it's very emotional.
On top of that, old T is all the sudden consuming my mind daily again and my emotions are a little out of control.

So on my way to work, my phone rings. I look down and see "Restricted Number" and I knew it was T and I knew she was calling to cancel b/c she has never called me before unless she was returning my call.
She said she "had a conflict for this afternoon and was wanting to know if I wanted to come in later in the week or just keep next week's scheduled day" -

Friends, I don't know what happened but my Lord, tears just started pouring out of my eyes and it took everything to keep my voice stable so she wouldn't notice. I got angry and scared and my mind started going crazy all at the same time. I automatically assumed she was pusing me aside to make room for another "more important" client. Then I realized she must not know how much I need her or depend on her or how stable she has kept me since I started seeing her and that leads me to believe that she knows nothing about me at all and that it's all fake. She is not real. The relationship doesn't matter. She is "throwing me away" like old T did. Good riddens to bad rubbish. I decided right then and there that I was never going to call her again and that I am done with therapy. It also took everything in me to not call old T at that moment. Old T never once, in 10 years cancelled on me. She did reschedule a few times but did it at the end of the appointmetn we were sitting in so that I knew exactly when my next appointment would be and it was always in the same week.

I called my H in tears and told him pretty much everything I just explained above. It took awhile, but he did show me how irrational I was sounding. He reminded me that my T very well could have cancelled all her appointments for today b/c of an emergency that came up and that is why she wasn't able to reschedule me for a different time today or even this week. He gave me a million other sane reasons to try and convince me that my fears are probably not true. It sort of worked, but not really.

I want to ask, b/c I have heard others mention this type of problem here before, but I have never experienced it myself. After I hung up that phone, I felt all the sudden that she was not real to me anymore. That she is not something I can hang onto or depend on. Almost like our time together is just a scene from some movie I watched and it's over now. It's not real, it's just an act and I don't want to go back next week b/c I don't believe I will feel anything.....I don't even know the right word..."Solid or real" with her?
Am I making any sense?

I am so upset. I feel completely abondoned, uncared for, and that nobody really understand me at all or what I need. I feel I will never get any better than this piece of trash I feel like.

3/5/132:44 PM

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heldincompassionMember

I can very strongly empathize with all you wrote here, especially this:

quote:
Friends, I don't know what happened but my Lord, tears just started pouring out of my eyes and it took everything to keep my voice stable so she wouldn't notice. I got angry and scared and my mind started going crazy all at the same time. I automatically assumed she was pusing me aside to make room for another "more important" client. Then I realized she must not know how much I need her or depend on her or how stable she has kept me since I started seeing her and that leads me to believe that she knows nothing about me at all and that it's all fake. She is not real. The relationship doesn't matter. She is "throwing me away"

I'm not sure my T always realizes the extent to which consistency from her and belief in her care keep me stabilized. I think she understands a little more now because we've had some talks about it of late.

quote:
I want to ask, b/c I have heard others mention this type of problem here before, but I have never experienced it myself. After I hung up that phone, I felt all the sudden that she was not real to me anymore. That she is not something I can hang onto or depend on. Almost like our time together is just a scene from some movie I watched and it's over now.

I think you put this very well, and yes, I have experienced it too, quite recently. In times past when T has cancelled on me or even forgotten me, I've been upset and unsettled, but it passes. These most recent occasions (I had a two week break followed by a smaller scale traumatic even in my own life and then two cancellations) have had more dramatic results internally. I felt like I really lost the internalized sense of her as caring and available. In some of my dreams and fears, she's turned into an almost menacing image, most disturbing. It's really awful because I think it reactivated some earlier trauma from my relationship with my mom, that we haven't fully processed yet.

quote:
It's not real, it's just an act and I don't want to go back next week b/c I don't believe I will feel anything.....I don't even know the right word..."Solid or real" with her?

I can understand the fear. I actually cancelled a session (in between the two that T cancelled) because of this very thing. But I've seen her twice now since all that, and although the first time was tough initially, the connection does feel more real, being back in her presence. Kinda temporary, though. Today I've been struggling again. I think it may take a little while to fully repair the damage done to the attachment, honestly.

I hope it will be easier for you, but I can totally see why you'd be destabilized, what with all the other things you have going on and how much you were looking forward to your session. That can really throw things off even at the best of times. Kinda sucks.

Anyway, I hope you don't feel I've talked too much about myself on your thread. I often feel that in replying to others, I can engage better by relating with my own experience than by generalizing about ideas and such, kwim? But I don't want to make it all "me me me" either.

I hope you feel better. Did you schedule another session?

3/5/133:13 PM

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lieseMember

(((KMAY)))

What did you do? Reschedule for this week or just keep next week's appointment. I have never been cancelled on either and I could handle it now but I know that earlier in my therapy I would have reacted the same way you are.

3/5/135:10 PM

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kmayMember

HIC,

Thank you. I like that you refer to your own experiences. It helps me understand. Not too much about you at all.

HIC & Liese,
I didn't do anything yet. Well, of course I still have my Tuesday appointment b/c its the same every Tuesday, but I told her I would call her back about rescheduling for today b/c honestly, I just wanted to get off the phone. I was so upset. I don't think I will reshcedule. Problem is, with the new company transition, although I am a salaried employee, I don't have as much lienancy to come and go as I please yet so I didn't want to ask for anymore time off. I had already told my new boss about my Tuesday appointments and I didn't want to have to tell him that it got moved and blah blah.
And....I just feel so "unattached" and so...hurt? I don't even know the right word. I feel like I don't even want to go next week b/c I don't know how to explain to her what it did to me when she cancelled. I don't really know how to explain it and I just feel ashamed and stupid and humiliated

3/5/138:11 PM

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yakusokuMember

(((kmay))) I'm so sorry. I got canceled due to T illness this week too, but I have another one coming up. I hope you can go and risk to tell her everything you've shared here. I think you had a really normal reaction, considering the stress you've been under and the problems with your previous T. And, if I had to take personal time off hours in order to make my sessions, I'd be more upset by having a last minute cancellation too. Lots of hugs!

3/5/139:06 PM

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starlightMember

Hi Kmay,
I just posted along comment on Nannabee's thread about cancelled appointments, about my cancelled appointment last week and my session yesterday. Don't know how to copy it to here! As background my T is 6 months pregnant and will of course have to cancell last minute when baby appears.
Cancellation is one of my biggest anxieties in therapy. I feel totaly rejected, but it helps to tell T when you see her.

Starlight.

3/6/1312:57 AM

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greeneyesMember

Kmay cancellations can feel like a huge abandonment and rejection. I get rageful and so hurt that I want to die when this happens if any other reason than T is sick. Can handle that, but can't handle when it relates to his family because it confirms how peripheral I am to his real life. It must be discussed openly and honestly for T to progress though. Hugs and kindest thoughts to you xxx

3/6/132:25 AM

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nannabeeMember

((((Kmay))))

It is such an awful feeling to be cancelled last-minute like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with it as well, and your reaction makes perfect sense to me.

Does your T self-disclose much? I ask because I think it used to be normal for T's to view giving a reason for a cancellation as something they shouldn't do, as it can be too self-disclosing. And I think there is something to be said for looking at the assumptions that you made about your T cancelling because there was a "more-important" client. But I also think that it can be traumatic enough to have your T cancel, and knowing the real reason can help you with your feelings.

I do think that it isn't likely that your T canceled you to make room for someone more "important". That really doesn't seem like something most T's would do. It could be that she had somebody in crisis, but it could also be due to sickness or a family emergency or something else entirely. I totally understand your feelings that this "ruins" her, that you don't ever want to go back to her again, but I am hoping that you do. If you are able to, it seems like it could be really therapeutic to go back to see her and talk about how you felt when she cancelled.

3/6/131:23 PM

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kmayMember

Anon,
Thank you for your support. And for allowing me to feel my reaction is normal based on the circumstances.

Starlight,
I read your post on Nanabees thread. Thank you for sharing. It feels better knowing I am not alone in my reaction to this.

GreenEyes,
She didn't give me a reason for the cancellation which I think contributes to my racing mind of irrational conclusions. She just said she "had a conflict in the afternoon."

I haven't decided if I will even go on Tuesday, muc less talk to her about how I feel.

Nannabee,
Thank you for sharing. I read your thread as well after Starlight mentioned she posted on there.

quote:
Does your T self-disclose much? I ask because I think it used to be normal for T's to view giving a reason for a cancellation as something they shouldn't do, as it can be too self-disclosing

- I have only been seeing her for about 2 months now. The relationship is still very new. She has not done any self disclosure yet. However, I was thinking along those same lines last night while I was trying to process what I was feeling. I think if she would have been more clear about the situation, I could have handled it better. All she said was "I have a conflict this afternoon. Do you want to reshcedule or just keep your next Tuesday appointment?" - that left me feeling like I was the conflict. Like something more important had come up and she was pushing me aside. I think if she would have said she had a family emergency or she was sick or she had given me any detail at all, I would have handled it much better.

I don't know if I will go on Tuesday. Right now, I don't want to. What I did do though, was type a letter last night and save it on my computer. I am trying to decide if I should mail it to her to read. She doesn't have email

It discloses alot about my current struggles that I have not yet shared with her. I also explained the emotional frenzy I went into when she cancelled yesterday.
I don't know if I will send it or not. I don't know if I will go to my appointment on Tuesday or not either. I sort of want to just call and cancel it for now until I decide what to do with the letter b/c I don't feel I am in a place to productively discuss anything with her. I am on emotional edge and I just feel....the need to be alone I guess. I don't feel I can face her.

Thanks for your support friends. I am in a strange place...

3/6/1310:23 PM

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kmayMember

Cat,

Thank you for your reply. You brought up a lot of good points I hadn't thought about.

quote:

Finally, looking more long term, if T cancelled once and gave her reasons then, in the future, cancelled again but wouldn't disclose I would probably feel a lot worse than it she had a rule never to disclose.

- This is very true. That would be hard. I think for me, it's such a foreign territory b/c old T was so open with me about everything...but then again, look where that got me...

I'm just in a such a strange place right now. I feel so disconnected from her. I cancelled my appointment for Tuesday. I just feel like there is no point in going. I feel the need to be alone and private and quiet right now.

3/7/1310:16 PM

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