T are very variable in their outside contact and that is their right, but you have to think about what you need and if this is enough for you.

Personally I need the possibility of some connection during the week. I usually e-mail at least once between sessions. I always get a response the next day. If it is a small issue she responds to it, if not she says thanks for sharing and we will come back to this next week. But she never makes me feel this is a nuisance.

I have even told her that sometimes it is not really important, but just a excuse to have a connection. She found it amusing that I admitted this, but said she is fine with it.

If you are nor sure if this is enough maybe you should think seriously about changing Ts before you get too attached.

Turtle that sounds hard.
Lots of T's have very strict limits around outside contact. However it's important you voice your concerns as well as saying that you felt like you were being punched when she kept voicing her limits. Certainly if she isn't empathic to your struggles and pain, I'd be thinking carefully about whether to continue. Let us know how you go. Hope the week ahead is better for you xxx

hi turtle,
that sounds really awful!!! i would also be really hurt and would feel that i would never be able to call her again! it sounds to me that she really isn't happy about taking calls so maybe she shouldn't do it at all, its even worse her taking the calls and being so abrupt and saying goodbye so suddenly! does she offer any other type of contact like email for example? would you be ok with that, or would it make it better if you knew exactly what her 'rules' are about phonecalls?
if this is really important to you then i think you should let her know exactly how you feel and see if there is anything she or you both can do about it, otherwise, there are other Ts out there.
i know its hard and i hope it goes well whatever you decide.

puppet

Thanks so much for your caring responses. It does feel awful. i am so tempted to quit with her. I am certain that she would not care one bit but it would be hard for me. I won't go find a new therapist as I have seen 6 therapists trying to find the right one and I am tired.

To me she seems rather arrogant and acts like she is some kind of a rock star and I am to grovel for her attention. Whether this is the truth or not I have no idea but that's how it feels. i feel humiliated by it. I guess I need to decide if I can actually just stop contacting her at all between sessions. Whenever I see her or talk to her I feel like dying or harming myself. This is not normal for me. I don't normally have this happen when I see a therapist. But for some reason I feel compelled to see her. she reminds me of my mom back when I was a teenager and trust me that is not a compliment. My mom was a cold, rigid, mean person back then. Very mean to me. Maybe I think I can work it out with this T. I have no idea. She really really wants me to do DBT. I told her fine I will do it but she also wants me to do it with the people she consults with. She has consulted with them about me. Well I don't want to see these strangers who know so much about me. I would much rather be anonymous to her consultation team.
Anyway I cried when I read your responses. You were seriously more caring and warm toward met then this therapist has been in all of the time I have seen her.

((turtle))
i am so sorry you feel such a contrast between a few caring replies and your T.
i know the strong pull of the past and i'm really sorry that she reminds you so much of your mom. i know how hard it is to break away from that, and it should be your T's job to help you see that she is not the same, that things are different now. she does sound a little arrogant - or at least pushy from what you say. she shouldnt push you into treatment options if you aren't ready or unsure about them.

in saying that, sometimes intense negative transference can make you see things in a very negative light... but only you can know if she is not right for you or not or if you're ready to leave. do you think you can talk to her about it? can you tell her what her what this brings up for you? i know it sounds impossible seeing how much she reminds you of your mother.

thinking of you and keep writing here if it helps.

hugs,
puppet

(((TURTLE)))

It sounds like you and she are in an enactment. It does not sound healthy at all. Just the way you describe how you feel when you are with her sounds awful.

That happened to me and, like you, I was drawn to my T like a moth to a flame. I don't blame you for wanting to quit because she does not sound like the warmest person in the world. Have you tried to go on some consults? I found it really helpful.

Wow you guys are seriously some of the most supportive people I have ever run across. It's such a relief to be able to say what is really going on for me and get so much support.

It's hard to write out in these small block quotes everything about the situation and I am sure that I am not presenting her correctly. But no matter what the self harm stuff is strong after I see her. I have some ideas why but not totally. Maybe I need someone who is slightly more available than she is. That could be. Puppet I think I will talk to her about this in our next session on Tuesday. You guys give me the strength to do that!!
Liese you make me feel a little better in that you say you have had this happen too. Makes me feel a little less crazy. Thank you for your support that way. It is important to me.

I wanted to explain why I have seen six (rather 5) therapists looking for the right one. I realize that could make me seem sort of unbalanced. lol
I have a bad, bad history of abuse. I mean it was intense. So about 4 of the therapists said they were not qualified to help me. One was so far away it just wasn't worth going to see her anymore plus she was weird. Then there is the one I am seeing now.

Thanks For reading this!!

Turtle,

I just don't think she is the right therapist for you. There are some similarities with things you are saying and my case.

When I am feeling out of tune with my T the SH worsens because I lose the attachment.

You need an attachment / trauma T as these **usually** make themselves more available to their clients and offer out of hours contact. If nothing else you need a T who is kind and supportive.

I am always suspicious when a T wants to push clients onto a DBT group.... that would be a red flag for me.

If you want a short answer. I say dump her and dump her now. Research what type of T you want and you need and go looking for one. Doesn't matter that you have been thru 6 of them - you need to find the right fit. Until you find the right T for you - you are going to keep hitting these brick walls and won't truly heal. If she is the wrong type of T, personality, etc for you - I don't think it is worth wasting anymore time over her.

Life is too short to be with a T who is not helping that much. Therapy is hard enough at the best of times and being with a T who is a bad fit makes it a horrible process.

I have the best T in the world who gives me a huge amount of contact and care - but I have had the hugest ruptures with her and things get very difficult. If she was someone who wasn't a good fit - I just wouldn't make progress.

Sorry if I come across blunt, I am in a blunt mood.
Somedays.

Hi,

It does not sound right to me that our supportive responses are such a contrast to the feeling you get with your T!

T is there to support you and help you heal. I agree with others never mind how many Ts you have seen, somewhere out there is the right T for you.

Someone you feel you can trust and form a relationship with.
Continue here there are lods of us to support you!!

((((TURTLE))))

Many of us here have been to more than one therapist. Over the course of my life, I think I'm up to 8 or 9. When you think about it, it is wise to shop around. Why should we expect ourselves to connect with every T we see?

After (((TN))) had to look for a new therapist, she made a list of what was important to her and called therapists instead of making an appointment with them. Calling to weed them out could save you time and money.

As far as what the consult who told you that you were depending upon your therapist too much and you should look elsewhere for support, I would cross him off your list right at the start. Lots of T's have negative opinions of dependency and he sounds like one of them. There is a trend amongst some more "enlightened" (in my view) therapists to see dependency in a more positive light, as a necessary step towards healing.

I saw a therapist a couple of years ago and after sessions I would go home and drink. She was NOT the right therapist for me. It doesn't sound healthy that you feel worse after sessions than better.

Hey Red Tomato thanks for sharing that with me. Yeah the new T is very much so encouraging me to get involved in other therapeutic programs etc. She says "You need more than seeing me" So now I am in this Day treatment program and I was very against it at first. I still don't particularly like it but it is helping some. Just hearing others talk of their struggles helps me some.

Hi SomeDays , I too can be pretty blunt so no worries! I struggle with whether she is the right one or not. She is so different than anyone I have seen before and I didn't mention that she does seem very dedicated to helping despite her lack of availability outside of session. We have worked somethings out now and sort of have scheduled contact btwn sessions. We'll see how that goes. Why do you see DBT as a red flag? Thanks

Starlight , Well, you guys are very nice and supportive. It's hard to find people who are more supportive! I mean that. Thanks for your support here.

Liese , I will check out TN's post. It sounds like some good stuff. I think it was Red Tomato who had the T who talked to her about dependence but none the less it does apply to me as well because my T encourages me to find other support outside of her. Although she does not call it "dependence" but rather she calls it support. Thanks for all the hugs and support Liese. I can tell you have a caring, loving heart!!