I think sticking with less therapists would work. It helps you avoid situations like this were the focus will be everyone's conflicting opinions. I'm shocked they are all three willing to do it like this. I hope you'll ask her before getting every T's opinion on it (so much more effective processing to ask and have that relational stuff going on with the relational T).

I think you should stick with the therapist who can work most effectively with your issues or select one to be your primary therapist (who gets notes from all the others, coordinates, etc). I don't know what she meant to imply... maybe was just trying to explain the concept?


If your Ts are doing their job right... sometimes they'll still "get you" but will also be making you feel uncomfortable. This R lady may "get you" without agreeing with what you've decided.

I dunno. I just hope it goes well and processing the transference w/ OldT (so glad you were able to get away from him! ) is gentle.

Are u really glad I left him? It's so easy to have self doubt. The day I told him I was leaving, my first reaction when I saw him was "oh my gosh, he is such a nice guy. What am I doing".

I've been consulting a lot with sue Elkind though and she said that she can see how he pulls me in and pushes me away. It was so great to get that validation.

I think it was good to leave him, he wasn't experienced in what it seems like you needed.

I have never seen that movie so I don't really understand what the disagreement is about.

I do think 3 T's might be a bit much, but I'm certainly not the authority on that.

I also think it's good you left your former T. Being a nice guy doesn't necessarily mean he had the right expertise for you. But I know how ambivalent I felt about leaving my former T, and it took a while for me to know for sure that I did the right thing.

That all sounds rather over complicated - you might end up paying each of them to talk about the other one(s)?

Maybe you could work on one area with one of them, and do other therapy type things afterwards IF you still felt you needed to? Therapy should enable the rest of your life - not take up all your time!

Good luck

(((SB)))

Yes, it's all probably a bit mad and I might find that I cut back to 2 at some point and then 1. I'm not willing commit to any of them right now because I don't know them well and need to feel them out a bit to make sure at least 1 of them is a good match.

(((CAT)))(((BLT)))

Thanks for validation. BLT, if you do watch What About Bob, please let me know what you think of the movie. I don't know what R's take on the movie is. I am actually looking forward to hearing how she sees it.

I'm just worried that she sees me as being similar to Bob, who follows his therapist on vacation and eventually drives him nuts.

Bob has intense desire to be near his T and almost anything his T does makes the intensity more. Dr ends up resenting Bob, even though Bob was doing his thing - successfully following the advice he received. T gave no direction.

It's hard to imagine what she meant. I am assuming she is talking about the relational dynamic only - which makes sense I think when you put it in terms of email stuff that happened (he said use it, so you did, didn't know there was a problem... Then there was and it wasn't worked out effectively by T).

I haven't found anything "analyzing" the relationship. Only people giving speculative diagnosis to everyone in the movie (this for example: http://scottsworldviews.blogsp...t-about-bob.html?m=1 ). I'm not sure how often you see this therapist but hopefully sooner rather than later you can ask.

It would bug me if my T referenced something I didn't understand and then I went off to try to figure it out. I would always do it from the most negative angle! It's not been movies but some show T was talking about once and it did bug me too!

(((CAT)))

Thanks for the info and the link. It was really interesting. I'm glad I don't feel that bad about what she said. At the time, I didn't feel bad at all. It was just after when I started to wonder how she saw me. She mentioned What About Bob in the breath as "you had intense transference with him". I guess I don't see the connection there to What About Bob? I didn't get the sense that Bob was suffering from intense transference. The blurred lines between family/professional?

Hey Liese - I was watching bits of What About Bob on youtube last night, never seen it before.

I would definitely say Bob has intense transference! But I guess I see "intense transference" as synonymous with "intense attachment needs" in Bob's case. There's a part where Bob calls the Dr "Dad" accidentally - and the whole fact that he so deeply wants to be part of his family.

I'm not saying that's the same as the kind of transference you had with your T, but maybe it is in a way - that you really wanted him to fulfill certain things that you wish you had in your life?

BTW congratulations on ending it when it wasn't helping you. I think you did a great job of identifying needs and taking action on them, and that is a very brave thing.

I guess in my opinion viewing someone on an extraordinary pedestal of perfection thinking they can sooth your every ail (as in Bob's case) is transference. That's why I'd say Bob had transference. Dr.Marvin was representative of something else, a parent perhaps or some other object/person?

What's different from Bob's emotional stuff to say... googling a therapist, showing up at a therapist's home, driving by a therapist's office, looking up things we know T does or is interested in, obsessing, wishing for mom or dad or a lover or a savior.... that's all transference/attachment/dependency stuff (in obviously varied degrees). Sometimes we have problems, too... not just our therapist(s).

((((JONES))))

Thanks for the kudos. It was a very confusing thing to do because I like him so much. It's hard to admit that someone you like isn't helping you.

I was struggling to see where Bob's transference was since it happened so quickly but that makes sense. It bothered me because mine developed over a long period of time whereas Bob's was instantaneous so, in my mind, mine is more "rational". LOL!

I did want my T to love me like he would love a family member. I didn't want to get to know his family but I wanted him to have that kind of attachment to me. You know, someone who cares whether you live or die. Someone who would never give up on you. Something like that.

(((CAT)))

LOL! Yes, we have problems too. My therapist was a good guy and I'm going to miss him a lot.

What I find confusing is that people fall in love all the time and so why are my feelings more pathological? I've known him a long time. I haven't fallen in love with the gas station attendant or some other person I don't know or met once. Just because he doesn't feel the same way, IDK, does that make it pathological? Sad, for sure, unless I didn't want the responsibility that goes along with having the feelings reciprocated, in which case it was the perfect set-up.

Hi Liese,

I don't think your feelings of love toward him are pathological in themselves at all. Even if he (or anyone else) does not reciprocate. All there is to do is learn how to deal with that. Sometimes people won't agree with or feel the same way towards us and despite that... we can learn to keep our perspective of ourselves constant.

I loved my ex, and she cheated on me (which says to me she didn't love me very much). That's not something wrong with me, nor wrong with her. Her behavior choices were deplorable and says something negative about her character, but her not loving me the same because I loved and was faithful to her is not wrong.

What might be the responsibility involved in not having our feelings reciprocated?

With T1 in the beginning, if I felt anything I assigned her an equal and opposite feeling or action. Anything I felt was her fault (good or bad). It was kind of like a child with parents, that I was an extension of her. If my parents hit me it was because I was bad, if they were mad it was because I did something wrong, if my mom drank it was because I was annoying etc. So of course I would grow up thinking that if I felt a certain way that it was obviously someone else's responsibility. My parents made it out that everything they felt (even love) was totally dependent on what I did, or thought... so that's the message I took.

If I feel something or think something - ESPECIALLY if it's intense... I'd get beyond pissed if people could not understand and agree with my point of view. I'd go out and find any source of validation, proof, etc trying to convince them otherwise, or trying to further convince myself that they were absolutely wrong. I can still find myself falling down this rabbit hole sometimes - even in my head alone having a speculative argument with my T. It's not a great personality flaw, it has some advantages when it's exercised right, but if I'm triggered I have to be extra careful.


Sorry that is long. I know it's painful and you will miss him. A lot of what went on with him reminds me a lot of the situation I had with T2 last year. But feeling love for him? I don't think that's pathological at all. Your feelings when you didn't feel it reciprocated? True, real, painful, valid.