muff, what you're saying is very true and I think the goal and priorities you're laying out are true. They are what I've been fighting for, and what I will get in what capacity I am capable. Certainly... there are a lot of people that have it 'all' without the internal freedom... which I feel goes to show that... a lot of people can achieve their goals "despite". I guess... I wish I could have got to the 'all' or 'enough' part before the internal freedom part... not to say it would be easier by ANY means... I feel like before Thursday I have my "I can!" and now I have "I didn't" and then as the weekend has progressed "I don't' and finally, "I cannot". I'm not sure I've done things right and can't be on par... I guess is my issue That it's something I can't escape from.

Strangely enough, I was thinking of something similar to this myself yesterday.

It doesn't matter how hard I've worked in therapy, how much good work I've done, I still compare myself to others unfavorably. Since I'm applying to T school, I like to read case studies and listen to interviews with T's, and whenever they talk about how long it took a client to do Z work, I compare myself. Like, oh, that person had X trauma and was done in two years, and here I am going on two years and blah blah blah.... And I find I could go on for HOURS finding different ways to make the comparison. Like, did they go weekly? More? Less? Did they have any prior therapy? And I go through all this just trying to figure out whether I am OK or whether I "should" be done already.

What is really staring me in the face is why do I have to make the comparison in the first place?! Do I really have to compare favorably to everyone else, in every area, before I can justify my own existence? Do I need to justify my existence AT ALL, or is it enough to just live my life? I have to concede that somewhere, culturally or from my family, I must have absorbed the idea that some people are not OK, not good enough, so I would always have to check myself to make sure I wasn't one of them. I would always have to be better than something or it would mean that I was worse, and worse couldn't be accepted.

I think fundamentally I have been telling the wrong story, one in which nothing really matters but the end. The story I habitually but unconsciously tell myself ends with "...and she was so much better than everyone else that she was finally good enough and worthy of love and attention." In this unconscious story, I start out alone, and only at the end, if I am good enough, do I earn the esteem and love of others. But I can never really arrive at the end, which is where I want to be, so I try to check all the time if I'm there yet or not.

I want to tell a different kind of story about my life, one that isn't just about the ending. One where I start out with trusted companions at the beginning, not earn them the end, and we may be a motley crew of characters, but we go through a lot of trials and struggles, and learn though all of them, and where the adventure of it is the whole point, not the end. I want to tell a story where every day I wake up at the beginning of a new page and think "I wonder what will happen today?" I want to judge myself not by what stage of my journey I am in, nor how it compares to any one else's journey, but whether, no matter what the plot throws at me, I can respond with as much courage as I can muster, and when I don't, whether I can get back up again to keep trying.

Hey dear Cat (((((Cat))))). This might be a bit rough to read. I care deeply for you. This is for what it's worth.

- I feel like some stuff has got confused here. I feel like T was making a point about eating disorder behaviour/thinking, and the eating disorder has turned around and said - 'oh, actually this is about Cat's genetic worth. She doesn't have any'.

To me the point I'm seeing here is - not eating and pretending everything is okay go hand in hand. When you're not eating, you are hurting yourself. It's not an okay way to look after yourself. But the eating disorder says it is. And says that if only you were genetically worthy enough (wtf?) you would be able to take any amount of this horrible abuse and still run a multinational corporation, solve global warming and... whatever. I'm not mocking you here. It is definitely hard to get older and find some hopes or goals out of reach, or not easily in reach, or not yet. Almost everyone goes through that and it does hurt. I'm not dismissing it.

But in this thinking I hear you at some level attaching blame for the grief to your cellular worth, and not to - the harm done by an abusive background. The harm done by an eating disorder. The harm done by living in a rough world. Luck and chance.

I don't know if you find it helpful to separate out your disorder like this, but maybe... wherever it's situated in you, I think it has its own structure of defending itself. And it depends on blaming you, so it can go on hurting you. While telling you everything's great.

I think if you were CEO of Apple and DID solve global warming, the disordered thinking would be delighted. It would be the perfect justification to continue with the abuse. Maybe it's lucky that some things are hard, some things are out of reach, some capacities are genuinely affected when you live without proper nutrition. Maybe it's a blessing. The universe saying, no really, this is not okay. Achievement is not a higher priority than love and care of your beautiful, fragile, human self.

Monte, you both deserve one!

Cat, now I've said that I feel like... it sounds kinda angry? Problem is I worry for you. I really don't like anything f'ing with my Cat. So I really really hope it is helpful and not hurtful.

(((Cat)))
I wish I had the right words to say to you so that you could understand your worth. I think that when we are deprived of the love and care we should have had as children, we decide that we are the problem, and set out to earn our worth. But because what is happening really had NOTHING to do with who we are, we end up chasing a perfection we can never reach, but believe is just out of our grasp and will finally get us the care and love we so desperately want.

As we work through therapy, I think we come to that crossroads where we realize the need to accept our humanity and recognize that perfection is out of our grasp. But our reaction is to move from white to black, which is "if I am not perfect, then I am worthless." Yes, we are damaged by abuse, yes it can change what we accomplish (I recently found out a college classmate is running a major division of one of the world's largest companies and made $5 million dollars last year. I am not even employed in the field I in which I earned my degree. My response was a deep wish that she was divorced and that her children hated her. ) but healing from it also shapes us and gives us strength that we would otherwise not have had.

It took me until I reached my 50s to realize that I was even a right-brained person and could be empathetic. But healing has given me an ability to stay with people in pain. I don't care that I am late to the game, and I can't do anything about the past, but I will make the most of what is left of my life going forward, if for no other reason that to wrench meaning out of what happened to me.

You have made a difference in my life and I would be much poorer for having not known you. We measure success using the wrong yardsticks, as Monte pointed out. My T once told me that meaning is not found in the life that you live, but in living fully the life that you are given. I am never going to be an astronaut, win a nobel prize or be famous or wealthy (all dreams when I was in high school ) but I would like to think that there are lives I have touched. Personally, I think you're f'ing amazing.

love, AG

I think accepting ordinariness is a feat in and of itself.

Cat I think you got a lot of wonderful responses that really help to put things into perspective. What AG said about growing up with abuse and thinking we had to earn our parents care by being perfect and accomplishing great feats makes a lot of sense. The thing is... it's their unworthiness and not ours. They were the abusers and we are left to struggle with accepting ourselves now and our limitations and also to recognize the very wonderful, unique things about us. But the bottom line is that we don't have to be perfect to be acceptable to ourselves and to others. My T keeps telling me this. I don't have to be perfect to "earn" his care. He cares because that is who he is and he accepts me unconditionally. Yet, I cringe when I am sandwiched between two tall, thin, tan, blondes, one of whom is wealthy and tosses around her $1500 purses and if they were garbage bags. I begin to believe I am worthless and could never measure up to them in my T's eyes. Just like I could never measure up to others in my parent's eyes. It's them not us.

You have some very wonderful attributes, you are artistically talented and extremely intelligent. You are kind and loving towards others. You have a lot of people who care about you and in that you are very rich and successful. The world is a better place for having you in it.

Hugs
TN

Hey Cat,

I wanted to emphasize (in case it wasn't obvious) that what I said about the ordinary was not meant in any way as a devaluing of you. It's more that what you wrote here:

quote:

My normal, as good as I can self... which is much less than I thought. That's okay.... it's just a lot to digest.

strongly resonated with me.

Thank you guys... I took some time away from my thoughts to do random quarterly chores (go through my clothes for donation, change my shower curtain on the inside of my shower, the fridge... etc. Meditative. It was a relief to come back to read your replies.

I think I'm having... a moment, I'm not sure. A life... a forever... a second... an hour... who knows.

((BLT)) Ah, that's brave of you to read case studies, I think I'd do the same mental game of 'how do I compare' too. I do feel I need to fair comparatively too, I'm not sure why... I'm sure a large part of it is approval and a large part of that approval has to come from me. I am really thankful for how you phrased telling a story, but from the end... that's how I read books, actually... I read the last chapter or two (even if it has no context or meaning) before the beginning and I flip magazines from back to front. I really hate not knowing "what will happen" that could be why I chase my ending rather than explore the page I'm on now. It sounds like you are building room for more curiosity in your life... I want that, too.

((Monte)) It is true we're all part of a chain. Growing up playing instruments I generally played those in the lead parts, like the flute... and eventually I moved to a quiet earthy base instrument and I had never been more fulfilled playing music than then and I love our recordings from that time the most even though I don't hear my part much. I guess that's sort of working in a collective, yes? It's the imagery my mind came up with as I read your words. It is true that... worth does not change, and I can't seem to untie worth from... all that other stuff. Right now I feel like I thought I was fighting with a HUGE AXE and it turns out I'm carrying around a noodle. Oops! Grief indeed...

((Jones)) No, you didn't sound angry - I can hear your protective love hehe! It is interesting and I am thankful you brought up the eating disorder itself... I hadn't really thought of it at play here (half the joy of this disorder is not knowing it's there). It does help to see it as separate right now and it is a much more physically violent manifestation of my perfectionism than just what goes on in my head. Right now it is so hard to tease out... where you say that I'm attaching blame to my cellular worth rather than an abusive background... is it's a chicken/egg thing where I can start to convince myself that the background itself wouldn't be there either if I didn't have a cellular level issue. That's insane... I know it's insane, I still have a two year old at the helm in here sometimes. It does feel... in a weird way (and this is why I think you're on a good track here w/ my ED) like feeling defeated in the way I am right now that it doesn't matter how/what I eat (I've been eating fine since Thursday) that NOTHING is worth anything... it does really highlight how intimately my value and the ED right now are playing on each other.

((Hollow)) You wrote so beautifully. I believe very much in the little moments, that you never know exactly what or how you will make a difference, maybe even somewhere far removed from yourself. Am I a bad person for sometimes believing that isn't enough? When I've felt really unhappy with existing at all I've told my T I know I have a lot to share, a lot to give, a lot that could help... but I don't care. It's weird to be in that place when my heart can be so pulled in by what you're saying because it resonates so deeply with me... and I get in these holes where I don't even believe what I know to be true sometimes. I think I could be a supermodel brain surgeon (not AND... BOTH!!) and still feel worthless, I know...

((AG)) It is very black and white... isn't it. I laughed at the comment about the $5m dollar woman, ah... I know that feeling of hoping something goes a little south It's hard to accept how much it can change what we can accomplish... but also... there is a cap on how much we all could accomplish in general even if given the dictionary 'normal' circumstance. I mean... there aren't enough missions going to the moon for us (all or just you and me) to be astronauts right now - and certainly astronauts didn't make it out of life sane either... wasn't there that woman who wore diapers to drive to Florida so she could kill someone and get there/back in a faster amount of time than would seem possible? Hmmm... LOL. I just sorta feel like I should have been "Darwin'ed" out before I was even born.. like somewhere back in my lineage someone got a huge lucky break and it kept paying forward. You've made a difference in my life too I like what your T had to say... sounds a lot like BLT's way of thinking, too.

((HIC)) It is a feat... I'm realizing that's probably why I've avoided accepting it. Painful. I know you were being devaluing at all my dear, no frets!

((TN)) Yea, what AG said does make sense I just hate having my history. It's like... I expected that when it was processed it would be surgically removed or something... that no shadows of it would exist or be remembered (yea, I dream big). It is so hard to let myself accept me without that perfection, just as you are saying. I'm not sure how I feel or if I feel I earned my T's care, I sort of assign their care under 'job function of my therapist' because accepting it as any more than that... is a horrifying thought. Too much compassion needed to compute. For me I guess I compare education specifically, it's very difficult for me to feel remotely of any value when I'm around people who are more accomplished there - I think it's because it's all I've ever wanted (and I don't even know why). It would be nice if I could do anything enough for my parents to like me It would be even nicer if there was anything *I* would like! The world and I are very blessed to have you, too.

I'm finding it so hard to... make sense of what I'm trying to communicate. I'm not even sure if I am making sense? I just know I'm left... right now looking around and trying to accept my past as much as I have to accept my future. I'm at that point where you've been running a marathon on a round track and you can feel the pack coming up behind you and you're in front... doing your best... and then there is that moment that you realize... OH they are all behind me because they've almost LAPPED me. That's how far I feel away from getting "stuff" done... (I don't even know what stuff, and those of you who have said nothing would be enough... you're right, there isn't an enough for me right now). That's how far away I feel from what the "standard" can do. I really dislike when I feel inefficient at stuff and it's so terribly difficult for me to accept departments where... there either is no such thing as improvement or no self-resources for improvement. I don't know how to just... live life not wanting to improve everything. I "can" always do better... when no... I have to accept I can't. At some point I'll reach... as far as it goes and I just worry I've passed that point and keep running myself in the wall convinced there isn't an "as far as I can". Whether driven by my disorder(s) or not... it's just a lot of realistic expectations to soak in. Some moody part of my ego got bruised and is in a major pout.

You all very much have and do make a difference to me... so thank you for being with me through this slog.

((Hollow)) I liked reading it, even if you wrote it for you (most of what I write is for me too - I find giving advice to be very healing as... it's often stuff I believe but don't tell myself or believe I'm so curious exception). Even a smile, or a thank you, or hell... picking up your DOG CRAP unlike this one careless dog owner here who theft their pet's business on my rocks can make a difference in someone's day, which leads to a year, to a decade, to a life, etc. It's all that "we're all connected" blah blah blah stuff. It's true and, yes, does feel fake... feels like the 'participation' trophy at the end of a sport season sometimes.