I started seeing my 4th counselor about 4 months ago for some issues related to me growing up in a home with an alcoholic dad and losing him at 14. I didn't think I needed to go to counseling again after my counselor before this current one, but I felt myself struggling with the same issues I had plus struggles with depression, so I decided I really needed to go back. I set up an apt with the counseling center at my university and it all started again. I was very apprehensive of my T at first, just because I wasn't sure I would be able to click with her like my other one. Eventually I did, and I think she's absolutely fantastic! I looked forward to every one of our sessions, even though they're pretty emotionally difficult and I just think so highly of her. Then as the end of the school semester came closer, I found myself having a larger amount of anxiety and sadness knowing I would be back home for a month and away from the one person who I had grown so close to and put so much trust in. She prepared me in our last few sessions before the break, but we both knew I was going to have a pretty difficult time because I really dont have anyone at home who I could talk to about my emotional stuff. She assured me that I could email her and that she would be checking her emails and that she could offer me some support in that way. I was glad I had that option, but of course, I didn't want to be "that one" client that just constantly emails and is so dependent and needy. But then, one issue came up that completely caught me off guard and of course, I emailed her explaining what had happened. She replied back within a couple days and gave me the support I needed along with some good advice as well. I was satisfied, resolved the issue, and went on about my holidays. Then after the holiday craziness died down, I began to feel the awful depression bug creep on me...actually more like pounce on me! I tried to be strong and get through it on my owm but nothing I did helped. I ended up cutting myself (I was a cutter in the past but hadnt done anything like that in 3 years) and after that I knew I had to let my T know what was going on, no matter how much I tried to tell myself I could hold out until I got back to school. I sent her a pretty urgent sounding email and because it was much more serious than the first email I had sent her, I thought she would reply within a day or 2. Wrong....I waited 6 long and agonizing days before I heard from her, only for her to tell me that she was sorry and that she had not been checking her emails and that I should just try some relaxation techniques.....I didn't know what to think after that. I felt relieved that she had finally answered cos I started freaking myself out and wondered if something had happened that she couldn't email or something. I mean I completely understand that she cant give me 24/7 email, online, virtual support or whatever, I didnt expect that either. obviously, I was relieved that she was ok and that nothing bad had happened, but to know she just simply left me hanging and "forgot" as she put it, made me just feel so angry and hurt. This is where the help comes in....
After that whole, I was just so angry and emotional I decided to do a little therapy for myself. I wrote her an email back telling her exactly how I felt and everything that had happened and what was gong through my mind that entire week she didn't answer. The thing is, I had just written the email to get all my emotions out, I never had the intention to send it. After I had typed it, I saved it to my drafts and a few hours later, I decided to look at the email again and read it out loud do I could fully get everything out. Then I have no idea what technological glitch happened, but the email ended up being sent off to her after all. I was completely horrified. The email has so much sarcasm, curse words, and it's just really rude and mean and on my part. Yes, I'm still quite upset at my T for literally just forgetting about me, but I would never say the things I said in the email in person. I don't actually call her any named, but the stuff I did say was rude enough. Now, I don't even know what to think or feel. I dont know if based on that email, of she'll decide she can't handle me as a client and refer me to somebody else (which I absolutely do not want) or if she'll be upset and hurt at me as well. It was NEVER my intention for her to even find out about the email, it was just for my own personal venting benefit. Especially coming from a Christian university, our counseling center is a little different from a "regular" one as it is Christian based and uses the regular counseling methods as well. I don't know how she will react to all the cursing and really rude stuff I said and it has me even more worried, anxious, mad, sad etc. Please y'all, what's a girl to do in this situation?
Welcome to the forums. I would definitely follow up with another email explaining what happened since we all tend to be a lot more blunt when saying things only for ourselves BUT it may be a blessing in disguise that this happened. You are supposed to bring all these feelings into therapy. One of the things that is unique about the therapeutic relationship is that it's all about your needs, so it's perfectly ok to discuss how you're feeling even about the therapist. In fact, it's a unique opportunity to learn about how you do relationships, what is happening unconsciously because you can discuss it with the person it's happening with. A good therapist can usually manage their own feelings, see your reactions for what they are so they do not take it personally and remain non-defensive so it's safe for you to express all of yourself. I know it can be really scary to be so honest with someone, but it's really the right thing to do in therapy. Let us know how it goes.
and as you know if you decide to send the email you can do a copy/paste or send it from Word.
coming your way!
just freaking bleh!