My thoughts are with you today!

She is meant to be concerned about your feelings... not the other way around I'm sorry she got upset, but you didn't do anything wrong blue.

Hope you can manage not to get sucked back into this dynamic with her.

sb

quote:

Originally posted by sapphire-blue:
She is meant to be concerned about your feelings... not the other way around I'm sorry she got upset, but you didn't do anything wrong blue.

Hope you can manage not to get sucked back into this dynamic with her.

sb

Wow. She sounds so incredibly like my NARCISSISTIC mother - Can you see how she immediately turned the entire situation around so that SHE is the victim???

Honestly - google narcissistic mothers and you will likely very much relate to what she is doing and has done.

You are so incredibly brave and courageous to go see her and tell her exactly how you felt. I can't admire you enough for this - god, you're so much more together and mentally and emotionally balanced in this than she is - but a long shot.

Clearly she has major issues and has not worked through them at all.

She should not be practising, period. She's a danger to her clients - she really is.

BLUE - y have done absolutely NOTHING WRONG here. She has manipulated an exploited you - when you're at your most vulnerable. that you've managed to see the situation for want it really is, AND take the incredibly difficult steps to leave - let alone confront her - is just proof oh how STEONG you are - Really, truly.

That you are feeling it's your fault and you did wrong is BECAUSE if HER manipulation. Your feeling bad is a warning sign of HER wrong doing, NOT anything to do with YOU doing anything wrong at all .

Think of the feelings of shame, guilt, fear, worry that she is hurting, not as 'sow thing wrong with YOU' but merely a redflag TO you that she crossed some serious boundaries and you ended to GET AWAY from her manipulating ways.

Yr feelings are not proof of you being wrong - but symptoms of the damage she's done to you

Safe hugs if ok

Ps - if at some point you can, I think putting in an official complaint with her professional body would ensure she does not do this to anyone else / and make her realise SHE IS WRONG.

Pps - did it go ok with the new T????

Can you make an app to see the. ASAP so yu have support I. Dealing with this, and helping you put in boundaries with the old T so she leaves you ALONE???

If you can change your phone numbers I would. Heck, tell her no contact, period, or yu will get a restraining order - Despite what she tells you - HER FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR RESPONIBILITY. it is NOT your job to help her feel less sad / hurt or whatever - she's meant to be a therapist for god sake - she needs to be able to sort her own shit out and not expect her CLIENTS too!!!

I think you definitely need to tell her on no uncertain terms NO CONTACT, effective IMMEDIATELY.

Whether or not you do it by phone - leave a voice message or hang up once hVe said yr piece so she CANNOT then try to manipulate you further or turn it around into her being the victim - or you do so in writing - or even ask your new T to tell her to LEAVE YOU ALONE.

And seriously - if she CANNOT respect that then get a restraining order!!!!

This isn't even about 'ring or wrong' or if she's a 'bad' or 'ok' person - It's about PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM FURTHER TRAUMA

maybe even tell her that - and if she tries (cos she will) to turn it around how sad it is for her or how much she is hurting - hell down the phone ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!

Blue, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling guilty about leaving former T.
She does sound rather narcissistic and like she's trying to be a victim in this situation. Maybe she hasn't dealt well with her own issues. I'm glad to hear that she is retired. It sounds like she is burnt out.
Blue, you did nothing wrong. It's more than ok for you to leave this therapist! It's your decision/choice! You are strong and brave!

You sound so relieved! That must be a good sign. And come back whenever you need us!

You deserve the support - perhaps the new T can support you leaving this less-than-helpful relationship?

Thinking of you.

sb

Blue,

The fact that she was adamant she hadn't done anything wrong is a red flag all by itself. A T should always be open to hearing from their clients about how their clients perceive them (even if it's really uncomfortable) and no T is immune from getting pulled into a trauma re-enactment, or burning themselves out trying to be their clients' saviour. Some Ts don't set out to harm their clients but end up doing so all the same.

Your Ts feelings are her responsibility. You are allowed to feel the way you do. How she chooses to respond (and it is a choice) is down to her. You didn't make her sad, angry or disappointed. Any of those feelings are her responsibility to manage.

I think someone on this forum may have posted this link before to a resource for therapists on boundary crossings. I'm going to quote a section because it lists red flags - and I'm hoping it will help you see that your T's opinion that she hasn't done anything ethically dodgy would not necessarily shared by others in the profession.

https://www.continuingedcourse...ourses/course066.php

quote:

Here we offer another personal assessment in the form of some early warning signs of nonsexual boundary crossings that could cause confusion and disadvantage clients. These signals, some of which are adapted from Epstein and Simon (1990), Keith-Spiegel, 2014; Pope and Keith-Spiegel (2008), and Walker and Clark (1999), include the following:

• Actively seeking opportunities to spend time with a client outside of a professional setting;
  
• Anticipating, with uncommon excitement, a certain client's appointment;
  
• Expecting that certain clients should volunteer to do favors for you (e.g., getting you a better deal from her business);
  
• Viewing a client as in a position to advance your own position and fantasizing as to how that would play out;
  
• Wishing that a client were not a client and, instead, in some other type of relationship with you (e.g., your best friend or business partner);
  
• Disclosing considerable detail about your own life to a client and expecting interest or nurturing in return;
  
• Trying to influence a client's hobbies, political or religious views, or other personal choices that have no direct therapeutic relevance;
  
• Allowing a client to take undue advantage without confronting him or her (e.g., allowing many missed appointments without calling to cancel);
  
• Relying on a client's presence or praise or boost how you feel about yourself;
  
• Giving into a client's requests and perspectives on issues from fear that he or she will otherwise leave therapy;
  
• Feeling entitled to all of the credit when a client improves, especially if a marked achievement is attained while under your care;
  
• Viewing one or more clients as among the central people in your life;
  
• Greatly resisting terminating a client despite indicators that termination would be appropriate;
  
• Believing that you are the only person who can help a particular client;
  
• Noticing that the pattern of interactions with a client is becoming increasingly irrelevant to the therapeutic goals;
  
• Feeling jealous or envious of a clients’ other close relationships;
  
• Frequently allowing the therapy session to go overtime;
  
• Instigating communications with a client in between sessions for reasons that are contrived or irrelevant to the therapy issues;
  
• Finding yourself making extra efforts to impress a client about yourself and your achievements;
  
• A feeling of dread upon sensing that a client may decide to leave therapy; and finally,
  
• Feeling uncomfortable discussing the “red flags” that pertain to you with a trusted colleague because you are concerned that the colleague would be critical of your thinking or behavior.

I am sorry this is feeling so rough right now. I think the worst thing about dealing with a T relationship where boundaries have been violated is that it didn't always feel bad, so it's hard square that in your own head. Being taken out for lunch feels good, feeling special feels good. Dealing with the conflicting feelings is horrible.

I am sorry you're going through this. I think raising the issue with your T is very brave and healthy thing to do.

Hey Blue, it's all right to be a bit rattled and not write the perfect response. You're working through things and that takes up a lot of emotional head space. I think the good thing about this forum is that people tend to be really gracious in letting that happen, letting people say stuff in their own words and also being accepting if they want to go back and change those words.

I recognise a lot of my own feelings in what you wrote. If blame doesn't work so well for you, is there another word that feels better? Responsibility perhaps?

I know that I have historically tend to hold on to a lot of the responsibility for the things that other people do because it has been too painful to look at it in any other way. Even now I sometimes don't realise that I'm doing it. It's very frustrating!

It sounds like things feel really conflicted right now, which would be a really normal response to be having. This is the really hard thing about personal development and change; you start learning new things and your perspective starts to shift but at the same time the old thought patterns and feelings don't just vanish; they pop up in times of emotional stress and argue with the new sense of perspective and it's enough to make you want to stick your head under the duvet and not come out for a while.

Sorry it's so hard right now.