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newbie needing help please

B blueMember
The problem i have with my therapist is that she doesn't have any boundaries at all. this may sound good to some people but it can get very confusing and its not doing me any good.

She takes me out, hugs me, tells me im special and i can call her any-time i want.....but on the odd occasion she will remind me in certain terms that shes just my therapist, very confusing. She sucks me in then spits me out.

Ive been seeing her for many years, i suppose im addicted to her and what she gives me but its not doing me any good, i am so much worse than when i started with her and i also trust people even less now.

I understand i have issues, because of my childhood but she blames all the problems that we have between us on to this.

She takes my anger very personally and she cant understand why im angry with her but not the people that hurt me, i tell her that its not personal, its the world that im angry with. I think she has understood what i mean but she brings it up again the next time i get annoyed with her.

I sometimes think that she needs me and what i give her. She is nicer to me if im having a bad time but if life is a bit better for me then she tells me that i dont need her any-more, which then reverts me back to my old ways because for some reason i need her.

I dont know if its just me that is completely screwed or its people screwing me up.
Has anybody else been in a similar situation, i would love to know how you dealt with it.
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ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Blue,
Many many years ago, I had this issue with a T as far as the boundaries go. He used to take me out to eat, we used to go to the mall, he introduced me to his family and accepted me into his home. At the time it felt good because that is what I was longing for and what I wanted but in retrospect it really blurred the line. Having boundaries is part of therapy to ensure the safety (emotional, psychological and physical). I became more entwined with pleasing him than feeling what I was really feeling. It ended very badly. Can you tell your T that you need and would feel more comfortable with some new boundaries. Alot of times growing up, we suffered from not having any boundaries or having our boundaries violated and we need those boundaries in place as adults to protect us.
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Hi Blue,

Well done backing off a bit - a 6 week break is a great start. She sounds very intense... almost like she needs you to need her? Sometimes people get into the therapy business to meet their own needs and end up not focused and attuned to their clients needs. We are very very vulnerable to such dynamics when we haven't had our needs met as children - but in the long run, you can see it isn't what will help you get your life running better.

On the other hand very very strict boundaries may also not be what will help. You need someone that can appropriately meet your needs, be available to a certain extent and that you feel comfortable with. Also you need someone you can afford - cos that worry just grows. Frowner

Perhaps you can tell the 1st T you need a break and you will text her once a week and that you would be happy for her to reply to that? If she reacts badly... as painful as that might be, it would be a sign that your needs are not her first concern.

Thinking of you

sb
redtomatoredtomatoMember
Oh, gosh, blue - this is such a hard spot to be in. Inside of me, my limbic system is screaming, RUN, RUN! I have been the "victim" of a boundary-less T and the outcome was painful-painful-painful. Worse than terminating. I know it can be hard to detach when so many of your needs SEEM to be met - but definitely a better choice than waiting for it to play out.

SHE is getting needs met through you, and that's dangerous. And, at some point, she may feel that she can't give the level that she has and it is likely she will drop you like a cold stone. That is brutal to experience.

There are other good Ts who can support you in ways you need, help you grow and help you find your strength.

I suggest interviewing two or three, just to get some different perspectives and to see some different styles. Then choose one and give yourself a trial period, say a month or two. If it seems like a good fit - go for it. If it isn't just what you need, try someone else. This is an important relationship. Don't leave it to chance.

((((blue))))

-RT
B bltMember
Unfortunately, therapists like this aren't as rare as they should be. People like that are so stuck in their own issues that they aren't able to help anyone else, and I think you're right that she is making you worse. I was once in a relationship with a woman like this (not a T), and in the end she decided she had no more use for me and kicked me to the curb while telling me everything she thought was wrong with me. It took me YEARS to see it was never about me, it was all about her.

It's time to find a new T, blue. I'm sorry because I know it hurts a lot
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Blue,
Just read your last post about your T being retired and you being her last client, and also where you said you needed a therapist to leave your current T. My gut screamed for you to run. I so understand not wanting to leave a T because they seem to give you what you want/need. It is horrible because your heart is pulling you one way, but your head is somewhere else. Based on what you have shared, I think that your assessment of the situation is right on target. It has the potential to be a very dangerous and damaging situation to you. I think if my T actually sought me out as you have described yours has I would FREAK inside. Is is possible for you to consult with another T regarding this issue and slowly integrate a new T into your life as you disengage from your current T? I know this hurts. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Your T sounds like she is not respecting your boundaries and her issues are getting in the way. Huge healing hugs to you. I really identify.
B bltMember
People like your T prey on people who had a certain kind of mother because they get confused and doubt themselves about whether they are being used or not.

Guess what, there is a T I know of who is like yours (except I think she does keep boundaries somewhat better) and she has a WHOLE GROUP of women who ALL had "narcissistic mothers" which she even advertises. Do you think it's a coincidence that she just HAPPENS to run group therapy for women with the same exact kind of mother and that it's an ongoing group? No, she managed to find out exactly what kind of person would swallow every word she said and meet her need to be worshipped.

In a sense she IS right that things are about your mom...but only in the sense that your history with your mom makes you tolerate your T's behavior. Someone with a different kind of mom would have left a long time ago.
Last edited by blt
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Blue,

It has been myexperience that all my T subsequent to the relationship I had with the T I mentioned to you in my initial response have believed me and have actually apologized on behalf of the ethics of their profession being breached and a client being harmed. Not everything is about transference or about our past. Some things are FACTS and if the FACTS are that this T actually seeks you out in between sessions and encourages communication or initiates communication between sessions I completely think it is damaging. I know for me as a client in therapy, I have to learn how not to be dependent on my therapist and I want to learn to and have to learn for my own development to make it through without her direct assistance. I actually feel scared for you Blue and that is my own stuff. I hope you can just try to talk to another professional about it. I don't think your T's intentions are in any way bad, but what is happening is making you feel uncomfortable.... which is good, because you acknowledge your boundaries. And boundaries are good and necessary!
redtomatoredtomatoMember
blue - you say you wonder if another T would believe.... My T says that the only thing that really matters is how I perceive or experience the situation. It doesn't really matter if (for example), I was abused or not. My feelings are what we deal with. The past is over. All we've got is the version I carry with me. That's the work.

So, about believing... it shouldn't matter and I don't think you have to prove anything one way or another.

-RT
elsewhererevisitedelsewhererevisitedMember
And if it gets too hard, this separating from your T, please remember it's okay to miss her, to want to go back. You don't have to paint her all black in your mind, as you said, she did/does mean something to you. Even now it´s better to go and find another T, it´s okay to feel and remember the good things too. You are even helping her by setting the boundaries straight. But ofcourse it is first and foremost about you.
athenacusathenacusMember
Blue-

What you wrote struck a chord with me. I felt very similar feelings with my former T. We spent a lot of time on her needs over the years. I sometimes felt I was trying to be her therapist. She told me I could call her, but wouldn't give me rules on when and how frequent. Then, she would tell me about places she hangs out at and about when, so just in case I ran into her we could chat. I have run into her a lot in our small community and after that she would remind me of boundaries in so many words. One time I did ask her specifically her boundaries and she told me that it was only chit chat if I ran into her and it was nothing more than that.
After 2.5 years of many great and not-so-great memories and sessions, I left and got a new T. My relationship with new T is definitely a professional business relationship with boundaries and no temptations or leading me to believe otherwise.

I wish you all the best with this situation. I understand your heart and your head being torn. At times I still long to go back to former T (my heart). My mind tells me that I need a different kind of therapy.
Oddly enough I might end up working in the same building as former T does though. strange.
My well wishes to you, Blue!

Hug two
evaevaMember
I did t read all the posts - I did read most of the first and last pages though - I am so sorry this has happened to you. I really really hope your new T gives you all the time you need to talk about what has happened.

I couldn't read all the posts because it scared the hell out of me that a T could be this abusive with their boundaries - I guess it reminds me too much of my own (abusive) mother - on one hand making it SEEM like it was about meeting MY needs but in truth it was ALWAYS about HER.

What you've described with your old T sounds like she is using you for HER NEEDS without ANY real thought as to how it leaves YOU feeling. It sounds very co-dependent on HER part. Gosh my heart breaks for how it must be leaving you feeling.
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