It was a really good session but also very sad. I am simultaneously feeling like I want to talk about every syllable uttered and I never want to speak a word about it, if that makes any sense. I’ve been crying since I left, I get it under control for a while but then it starts up again. Nothing out of control, it’s just that the feelings are really intense and sometimes spill over. Waves of grief but with plenty of time to rest in between. He was very affirming about me being ready to go and spoke of how hard I had worked and how far I had come. And as always, he was open to any and all of my feelings. We dropped my older daughter off at college this weekend and I told my T about a conversation we had while setting up her dorm room. She had a difficult time with homesickness last year but wanted to go back and is a little scared but very optimistic. We were talking about the upcoming year and she told me that she is scared that if she does too well, I would be hurt. I was able to reassure her that it was time for her to make her own life and nothing would make me happier than to see her happy and thriving. I told my T about it this morning and then told him I hate when I have to listen to myself.
He asked me if that had resonated with me and I was able to talk about sometimes feeling guilty, that he had done so much for me and now I was just going to walk away. He talked about being able to see it from both sides and understand how you could not want someone gone but could want them to go because it was time and there was so much waiting for them. Actually, seeing things from both sides was a theme that ran through the session. At one point, my T spoke quite movingly about knowing that there is caring, and compassion and empathy on the other side of the boundaries, even if we don’t always get to see it. That there are many different kinds of connections and that love takes many forms. I think it is the closest I’ll come to hearing him say he loves me. Which here at the end, I am very grateful to realize, I am finally sure of. We moved in and out of so many different emotions and moments of both tears and laughter. My T is continuing to do what he has always done so well. Hold still and create a safe place where all my feelings can be heard. All of them, the feelings of accomplishment and excitement, and the fear and the sorrow. I was able to tell him that on one level I realized that very little would change; he would still by my therapist, I just wouldn’t know when I was seeing him again. But on the other hand, I knew this was a significant milestone and I wanted to allow myself to experience it that way. He asked me what I wanted in our final session and I told him I didn’t have the faintest idea.That my goal was to stay present and experience the goodbye. That my normal goodbyes way too often consisted of devaluing the connection in order to leave and I didn’t want to do that. I started crying and ending up choking out “Damn it, I’m just no good at goodbyes.”
I’m struggling so hard to put this into words, but my heart is very full and so much of this feels inexpressible. We talked about the whole journey, of facing the deprivation and loss, of hitting the boundaries and the anger of once again feeling deprived, of finally being able to know that I could heal and go on and no longer live deprived. I was really overcome at that point and my T said “take your time” which he usually does when I start to get emotional because I still can have a tendency to just move past the emotion and I was crying for a minute or so and he very gently said “AG, what are you feeling?” and I looked up and said 9/10th gratitude and 1/10 grief. I’m not sure there is a sound in the world I love better than when he says my name.Everything just feels so poignant and bittersweet. We talked about how very powerful the experience has been but also how very difficult it is to put into words. That the theraputic relationship takes on so many aspects: parental, lover, friend, but that in the end it’s unique and impossible to classify as anything but itself. And then we talked about it being a safe place to bring all my feelings. I had told him earlier that he was so interwoven into who I was now, yet I felt more myself than I had ever been. We talked about all the different emotions and were quiet, then I looked at him and very quietly said “I just didn’t expect to love you so deeply or that you would come to mean so much to me.” And he said that was part of what was so powerful, that the relationship had come to mean that while still helping me to become more myself. That there was no enmeshment or confusion even with the deep feelings. He is so calm and accepting about how I feel about him and what he means to me; it is so hard to describe what that feels like, but it’s incredibly precious.
Near the end I told him that I had written a poem about leaving and that I wanted to read it to him. That I was very nervous and self-conscious about it (it’s one thing to write prose, I write for a living, but poetry that expresses my deep, vulnerable emotions? Excruiating!) He very kindly stopped me and said he didn’t want to rush through it, that he wanted there to be time to express any feelings that came up, so I decided to save it for our last appt. I told him again that as well as I understood the boundaries and knew how necessary they are, I hated that it had to be that way.
We got up and made our last appointment together and then we shook hands goodbye as usual but with a very warm look. Actually he was so tender and kind throughout the session that I felt very connected with him. Which again is wonderful but painful.He told me to hang in there, in a way which told me that he really does understand just how hard this is for me. I went down to my car and sat and cried for awhile. This isn’t going to be easy. But I’m still not feeling any doubts about going. I’m even grateful for the sadness, because that’s what it is, no more, no less. There’s a quote from the end of the Lord of the Rings, that describes Frodo, Bilbo and Sam as they ride to their last parting which describes it perfectly: “filled with a sadness that was yet blessed and without bitterness” which describes it perfectly. I am struggling to accept the loss as part of the unspeakably rich and life-giving experience this relationship has been for me.
Now if I can just manage to not throw myself on the floor and cling to his ankles next time...
AG
Let me try again.) 
Watching your persistence and diligence, and at the same time, reading your honesty about how painful this all was for you, has been more inspirational to me than I can ever say. You make me want to be brave, too. 
And I've seen it inspire so many others here to keep on going, especially when it gets hard. I just feel really honored and privileged to know you. 