Sheychen

I am sorry you have to face this hard time without your T present. It must be hard enough going through this trauma- even if your T was there for you now, so i guess the burden feels dubbel in a way? The waiting time can be really hard- but i guess its a bit comfort that she is going to call you Friday.. Maybe you can just focus on that call, instead of thinking about the whole absent-period? One day at the time- thing? I do that when my T is away. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt.

You got all my sympathy with the "shouting" your pain to her. I *think* she hears you- (T`s just dont tent to respond to it out loud) but i totally get the feeling you got that she doesnt hear your pain. Thats so frustrating! like- *tryin to put myself in your head now* cos if she really hear you- why does it still feel so bad? Why isnt she taking away the pain, right? I tent to think like that as well..i constantly tries to express my pain to my T- so that he in a magic way would just "fix it". Dont worry that you dont know why you feel like this. From an outside perspective its "looks" very normal and understandable.

Take care. And let us know how you cope if you need to.

Hi, Sheychen...I'm sorry things are going to be tough for the next little bit...perhaps if you want to, you could look forward to giving us a little update each day until she comes back, to say how you are doing that day and so on? Maybe that might help. STRM did that on her T's break, and it seemed to help her get through. Well, it's just a thought...keep us posted. I know how hard it is to have these long waits in between, and not to shut down on the pain in between times and go back to old ways of coping.
safe hug for you, Sheychen...

BB

Well my session is usually 1-3pm on a Weds, so I went to bed. And I lay there feeling all awful, but then I thought I would pretend she was there, so I started talking to her and we had a two hour session right there! In my imagination and of course I could imagine her saying all the things I need her to say right now so I actually felt a great deal better for that! So I feel I am getting somewhere, and there is only tomorrow to go before Friday's phone call. I have been so hurt by our interactions these past two weeks that I have not felt her caring at all and in my imaginary session today, i felt her caring again.

Day Three, have to go out to work this morning which is a good thing. I have conjured up an imaginary friend, a kind woman who 'has known me all my life' and I am feeling loved by her, so that is helping. I don't really believe this is only day three, when Iit feels like a very long and hard week already. It can't be just Day three. I know my T will ring me tomorrow for 15 minutes. I am almost scared of that but I feel the screaming in my head and the searing in my heart was quietened down once she said she would do that. She was listening and hearing how much I needed that, at last. I shall get through today, and i shall get to tomorrow. My husband is away so it makes things harder too somehow and my son is having a hard time adjusting to a new school so he needs lots of careful listening and cuddling and reassurance and a couple of times this week he has just cried in my arms and needed cuddling.

Good luck on the phone call tomorrow...let us know how it goes...

BB

I think you are doing really well and getting through. You have so much going on right now and that would be hard in the best of circumstances. The session in your head with your T during the same time is a great way to cope and I'm happy to hear that it helped you feel better. Not much longer until the phone call. I hope it is helpful and brings you some comfort.

How did the phone call go?...hope it went well.

BB

Day Four: Four to go, Phonecall happened. Relief relief relief. She was so hugely kind and we talked about how I am so terribly fragile and how I have no protection barriers up just now. We also talked about the fact that in time I will be able to find other parts in me that can handle the scars, the wounds and that they won't feel so strong either. they may never totally heal, but they might come to feel like old echoes. I found that sad but I could understand. i felt she was wary of me, and she also withheld her number, like she IS wary of me. that felt hurtful to me. I know her number, it is on my husbands phone still, but I am not putting any on my phone becos I don't trust my small child not to reach out to her again.
I wish I FELT when talking to her, I have not felt any sense of caring, I just have to rationally assume she IS caring from what she is doing and saying. I feel she has me at arm's length since I blew up and that feels really hard too. It is not nice to be held at arms length warily. Hey ho.
But she phoned and she is trying very hard to hear how it is and she is trying very hard to help me hear that she is trying very hard.
: Waves of relief washing over me and a feeling that I can do this - i can get to next Wednesday and although it is still difficult, I will actually cope and manage.

Now get ready to laugh.

I appear to have rediscovered sex.

!

Which is a much better coping strategy.

My husband is a bit stunned, but in a happy dazed sort of way.

This happened a two months ago too, so it does come and go. But it sure brings a lot more fun into a very difficult time. I have not giggled so much in a long time.

That is all I am saying. Personal boundaries and privacy and all that.

But it feels that some part of me is growing up.

And yes, I should be more upfront about this being the anniversary of India. I would have spent this week preparing to go and going down to London to stay with a well known Hindu centre before flying out on the 22nd, which is next Wednesday, and then by 26th he had raped me. And that continued until Dec 8th. So the last few days of September are volatile usually, and then October I crash. October is just a blur of pain really. By November I found ways to distract him sometimes so that he would not hurt me so much. So usually in real life, by mid November I am picking up, as I had my escape plan up and running and beginning to unfold by then.

I have a hunch that my therapist will tell me she will not read my blog anymore. I am steeling myself for this announcement. She finds it too much. It is going to hurt a lot when she says that. I shall feel rejected, hurt, abandoned, that I don't matter, that I am inconsequential and irrelevant and I am going to have to act all grown up and understanding about it.

I know T's need their protected boundaries, but it is treating us like Freaks really.
it is where being kind and being paid and in a job, doing it as a job, is hard on us.
anyway, I am hoping to keep really busy,. You know what I find most strange, ...
I like her saying/'no' to me - I feel that she is strong enough to handle my very stroppy toddler and young child and that she will stay firm and solid and say no a lot, she really can do that. And I get sooooooooooo frustrated, but I also LIKE it too, like, that is what I really need and I don't know it. And she just very kindly sits there and says no.
to my request for recording a session, to my request that she says something I wrote back to me, to my request that she phones me when I wanted her to, to my request for two sessions a week, that she just cannot fit in - she just keeps saying these kind no's and it both drives me nuts and also I like the boundary. She is not being mean, she is just saying no. Kindly. and when I push on that, she stays solid in the no's. Very reassuring and safe feeling.

Glad to hear that the phone call helped you so much, and that you are feeling some relief....are you on the home stretch now?

Also I can understand about liking to be told firmly but kindly, "no." Hm, I think I have the same reaction.

Best,

BB

not doing so well now, at the end of the day, too much whirling in my head, too many confused feelings and still feeling unable to talk about some of the things that are really bothering me. I just feel all tangled up and I wish I didn't. I find i have feelings of a small child all tangled up in me and it is so painful.

Sheychen,

I'm sorry it is so rough. I was able to keep busy during the day while my T was gone, but felt like everything piled up on me at night and the feelings would get overwhelming. Is this what is happening with you?

(((hugs)))

I have a charged scenario in my head, since I was a kid and it is playing out full time just now and I am afraid I keep tangling up my therapist in it, and I don't know what to do, and I have just had a friend say I cannot tell the T cos they are trained to not allow the client to disclose something as charged as that, with them in it, and I panic, cos my T has been telling me 'you don't have to talk about everything' - 'you don't have to share everything' etc, each time I go in there, trying to talk, like maybe she knows, eek, KNOWS what I am trying to say. And my friend says, 'she knows' and I am all tangled up, cos I do't know what to do with all this and keep trying to work it out on my own and I was HOPING that I could talk about it and get some insight, but my friend thinks it will make it worse, like more charged and that my T will continue to block me talking about it.
arghhhh

Day Five four days to go
so tangled up and trying to find distraction activities. I had ALWAYS thought it was always best to tell your T things that scare you, but I am getting conflicting reports here. Surely they are trained to deal with difficult stuff, transference, all that kind of thing?
help, it feels such a black hole right now. like if I tell her, she will recoil, if I don't , I just seem to be torturing myself with how awful I am.

Hi Sheychen,
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. Your T saying "you don't have to talk about everything" is maybe her way of taking some pressure off of you rather than she doesn't want you to share things with her. I think if this scenario is bothering you as much as it sounds like it is, it is defintely worth sharing with her. I understand some of your friends may not think this is a good idea and I realise I don't know you but if she is a good therapist then she will hopefully help you to deal with the way that you are feeling.
It sounds to me from other posts here that you have a caring T so I am sure she would be willing to work with you on this. I understand that fear of saying something to someone which might make them recoil but I honestly believe that the only way is to work through this with her as it sounds like it is causing you alot of pain.

Butterfly

I am very ashamed. I find it so hard. It is on my mind 70% of the time since about three weeks ago and in the last week, maybe the last few days, it has gone off the scale.
My adult me is mortified and she has a totally different reaction to it, she is horrified. The child, about 8 yrs old, just IS what is happening so could blurt out or say VERY INAPPROPRIATE things to my therapist. I know my therapist has excellent boundaries, and I know she would be firm and boundaried but it is still scary to REVEAL what a mess is going on underneath that all my life I have successfully suppressed and now it bursting through in my thoughts and in my body. I think it is because I trust my T. I know she would not hurt me. I revealed the beginnings of this 15 yrs ago to my last T and he abused me. Terribly. So you can see why I am scared. Also, it HAS to be my 8 yr old child who speaks, cos for the adult it just total taboo to talk about these things. So when that happens, when I 'become' my little self, I am not using the neural pathways that make adult me function to protect me and I am wide open. Also, I might SAY things that afterwards I shall be mortified about having said. Argghhhh = that sort of reaction

I WANT to be able to talk to her about it so much - I want to have another person on this planet help me through and I do truly think she would be caring and non judgemental. She might find it hard, and it would make therapy weirdly uncomfortable to say the least, for a while, but she MUST have some idea that abused clients have some pretty strange things going on deep down sometimes, that they have managed to not be aware of for years.

hm, sorry this is churning you out so badly, Sheychen... I don't have an idea of what you are talking about, but there are somethings that I am really ashamed of that I find difficult to broach in therapy, if not impossible. Especially if it's something to do with my therapist, himself. But there shouldn't be stuff you aren't supposed to talk about in T, in my opinion. You could maybe ask her, point blank..."T, what do you think about clients revealing deeply personal, scary, painful stuff that has to do with the relationship between client and therapist and maybe, deeply embarrassing for both client and therapist?" Her reaction could guide you into it, or at least, give you an idea whether it is safe to speak about it or not, and also let her know something of this nature is going on without telling her what, exactly it is, until it feels safe for you, to do so. I don't, personally, really agree with your friend. Many therapists have their own beliefs and perhaps, new training that lets them allow clients to talk about ANY THING. Things have changed for many therapists, from what I read on here. Hmmm. My t says I am allowed to talk about ANYTHING. He says he thinks it's funny that I have to keep asking that.

Well, I hope some of this will help. Surely your T understands what people who have the kind of terrible trauma you are dealing with, have going on underneath...surely. Unless she is very young and inexperienced, maybe.

Safe hugs for you, today...keep on posting!

Beebs

Oh, and I totally understand about the phone number thing. The only reason my T gave me his, I believe is because I do not see him in realitme, and so he knows I could never afford to call him overseas constantly. plus I never would be able to call him even if I was dying, and he probably knows that.

Sheychen,
This sounds really distressing for you and I am really sorry to hear that your last therapist abused you. That must have been really hard.
I am inclined to agree with Blackbird about bringing up the topic of discussing something that you find to be shameful with your T first to gauge what your T's reaction might be.
I once wanted to tell my T something that I found really embarrassing and it took me nearly the whole session to work up the nerve though I kept making little hints. My T sensed this and was really gentle and patient with me which gave me the confidence to finally tell her which was such a relief.
I don't know if your T knows your 8 year old self well but maybe you can let your T know all about her first and how mortified your adult self would feel at a revelation that your 8 year old might share so that your T knows how you will be feeling after you have made the revelation.
T's are trained for all sorts of revelations and this sounds like it is really relevant to your growth so hopefully she will be understanding and help you through this very difficult time.

On the upside, you are over halfway through to seeing her again.

Butterfly

Thank you butterfly and Blackbird, Dragonfly and STRM,
Six days done and three to go.
I am going to HAVE to do what you suggest, and guage her reaction to the hint that I have something really difficult for us both to hear. I think I know she COULD hear it, she is experienced - that is probably why at last it is coming up and I WANT to talk about it.
I feel like I am hanging on a cliff, by my fingertips, and have to hang on another three days, it is wearing me out! Hard to sleep, hard to think straight and strung out. Also NEXT week, and the last week of September is THE week of the year when I feel like I am being cut with knives, so I have THAT to cope with, looming ahead of me. I could do with more real life support right now.

Sheychen,

Only three more days to go!! You can do it. I know that can seem like an eternity, I was there last Sunday, but it will pass. I hope that you are able to test the waters a bit with your T and feel that it's safe to talk about whatever issue it is that is tormenting you so much. Once she gets back, is is possible to schedule some extra sessions? It sounds like you have a really rough period of time coming up! (((hugs)))

right now i feel strong and able enough to TALK and feel Weds is NEAR and that I have enough in me to do this. I suddenly just feel clearer and lighter and more in balance, - maybe cos I have been meditating.

Sheychen

I am glad you are feeling stronger today, hold onto that feeling when you start to waver about what is right to say to your T. I know I agonise sometimes about what is right or not to say....ultimately I know I need to be as honest as I can, whether that comes from adult or child me. Your T should accept that as being part of the therapy of trauma ...no matter how odd or daunting it might feel to you. Good luck Sheychen,

starfish

Thanks Guys, I feel strangely sane and calm and balanced and almost relaxed about it all - like 'was that really me all steamed up and bothered?' I can do this.
I hate emotional mood swings - I much prefer feeling like this. I hope it stays a while

Day Seven - just two to go.
Well that did not last, maybe must go meditate again!
I went to see my doctor today and got some medication for vaginal thrush - to add to life's rich tapestry I get that when I have intercourse, and also I had taken four days to work out I had it - again. I also told her about the anniversaries, as apparently the whole surgery team is aware (ARGGGH) of what is going on for me, which is why my T got more funding for me to keep seeing her, or something.
Anyway, I felt really tearful explaining that again I was worried about this anniversary, and she said I must tell my T and at least I have her and then we talked about me having Samaritans number on hand for when I just want to talk. She said I see my T in only two days. Only. My god, I looked at her and thought, : 'This woman has no idea how long two days can be. '

and then I get worried that I am so 'abnormal' and that ordinary people are not so upset so much of the time, as I am this past year.
also I was nervous of bumping into my T as she works in the same surgery so i scheduled a really early appointment, hoping she would not be in yet, but I left her a note saying that I would like to swop cardigans (hers that she has lent me hardly smells of her washing powder anymore) and added that the India anniversaries are kicking in.
I emailed my last two T's over the weekend. /i worked with one for 18 months 22 years ago and the other for nine months or less, 21 years ago. Neither have replied. Three days later.
AT least this year, I am going into the worst time of year for me with eyes wide open and a T in place.
It has GOT to be better.

I just worry I shall always carry a very vulnerable small child in me and that I might not ever get strong again.

I suspect the truth is that I SHALL get stronger but occasionally will feel small medium or large twinges of my sensitive issues being triggered.
Hey ho

I am going to try and talk tomorrow and I am going to be strong and Come Out about being a survivor too, by probably having a I Survived Party this weekend, to commemorate the Anniversary. Ha!

quote:

then I get worried that I am so 'abnormal' and that ordinary people are not so upset so much of the time, as I am this past year.

Well, I would like to point out that most "normal" (are there any of those?!) people haven't been through a fraction of what you've been through. Go easy on yourself. I hope your party goes well this weekend. Great idea!

Such an awful session, infact the worst.
She said no to letting me record the sessions, so i explained why it would help me and she went on about attachment stuff and how it would not help me stand on my own feet and I argued that it is not about that, it is about not hearing what she is saying .. and wanting to. and she said that her supervisor and her supervisors supervisor and she herself ALL agree it would not be best for me to record my sessions. Then she did not swop the cardigan and then it became apparent that she was not reading my blog, and I did not dare ask as I did not want to hear another no and then I told her about my previous therapist sending an email to me saying I must not contact him and my new friend, sending an email saying he was angry at me at me asking him why he had not replied to my emails two weeks ago, and SHE said that is another instance of people saying no and I say they don't care. And we just kept going round and round with that and I got more upset and found myself saying vehemently "you do not understand, you have never understood, you do not care, you just have no idea!" and she kept saying "no, that is not true, I won't let you keep throwing these untruths at me" and I kept going cos it all hurt so much and she kept saying "no stop" and I got so upset at her saying vehemently how upsetting she found it me always accusing her of not caring and I foundmyself saying "Stop please stop please stop" and then
god
she went silent. and I looked up.
She had her face in her hands
she was crying

!!

And she could not stop.

I squeaked. Actually squeaked with anguish. Put my hand on her, took it away, did not know what to do , "I am sorry" and then eventually she stopped.

It was awful.

No we did not get to talk about what I so need to tell.

she doesn't have any memory of me asking over the last four sessions to talk about something particular.

This is awful.

It feels like I am in my most tangled place, where I have never ever been, never dared to go and am just raw in it, (i MUST trust her to be this wide open) and she is keeping boundaries and I am railing at her and being horrible but I don't see it, it is just pouring out of me, and she was truly hurt.