Hi Ainsley, welcome to the board.

I don't have any experience of this personally but I do know someone who has gone through this, firstly cutting off the person that abused her and then the family member that turned a blind eye. She found it a terribly difficult decision to make but recognised that it was what she wanted.

I think a tough thing to get through is mourning the loss of the relationship - sometimes not the actual relationship but what 'might have been'. I think it is very hard to work through the sense of betrayal when parents choose themselves and their own comfort over the truth and the distress of their children. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

People do like to judge don't they? But the PTSD is happening to you, not them. You totally get to decide how you want to handle it. Do you have people around you to support you - or a therapist?

Hi Ainsley

Welcome to the forums
Both of my parents died when I was reasonably young. But I have cut off a sociopathic and sadistic brother and a narcissistic extended family of origin. A difficult but vital path for me to take in order to heal and regain happiness in my life

Hugs

Hi Mallard and GreenEyes,

Thanks for the welcome.

I am fortunate to have a supportive hubby. He is really all I have, besides my therapist. I feel closest to my therapist than anyone else in the world. I do have a few friends but they just don't seem to understand the pain of my past. I struggled this morning with a run in with a rude person at my child's school and I went to the phone to reach out to call someone. Hubby was at work and I couldn't think of anyone else that I could call to be there for me. I felt my heart breaking. I texted my therapist, but I felt SO alone. She texted back and is very sweet. But, it's still hard. I'm struggling. I realize the absence of my mother is more about the "idea" of mother. Not my actual mom. She never showed up for me. So, it's not her that I ache for, it's more of that maternal figure. Right now, I just want my therapist to be mom but I know that wont happen.

Hi Finding.Ainsley...

I'm glad you decided to post here...it's a great place to come for support, when it feels like there's nowhere else.

Even though I've experienced what you have, I do know what it feels like to be out of contact with your patents. I'm very sorry to hear it's that way for you.

Sending a warm cyber hug,

The Kid

Thanks so much for the warm welcome, Kid. It feels nice to be here. Thanks for the hug, I could SO use it!

Hi Ainsley. I cannot say I have completely cut off contact with my parents and siblings, but I have definitely limited it. I do not waste my time trying to convince them of the errors of their ways nor hoping for sympathy or apologies. I keep my PTSD and other problems private, because the less they know the less they can use it to hurt me even more. A few other people know bits and pieces, but mostly I limit all sharing of personal information that could potentially be used against me. Yes, it does contribute to feeling alone, and feeling misunderstood, but there is therapy and this support forum to help. I also have one trusted friend IRL who knows most of my griefs, which is great to have just one person who understands and accepts me without being paid to do so. If you don't have that, it can be really tough.

Hi Finding.Ainsley,

Unfortunately, I have chosen no contact with my family. This includes my mother, and main perpetrator of my abuse, my father and my sister. I hope to have contact with my sister (maybe father) in the future but definitely not my mother.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Losing your mother is completely unnatural. Every child deserves to have a loving, nurturing mother.

I too have PTSD from my childhood abuse. I am now recovering after many years of therapy. Personally, when I went no contact with my mother, it did allow a lot of my immediate and on-going fear to dissipate. I still had a lot of work to do but having her influence out of my life was the beginning of the real healing on my path to recovery.

The loss of a mother is hard to imagine. My T used to tell me I really never had a mother, which was true. She never parented me the way I deserved. The pain of that realization is astonishing. No child should be made to suffer at the hands of their parent. It is terrible. The recognition of that condition is hard to digest, I am still trying to wrap my brain around how much damage it has caused in my life.

My heart goes out to you and I think it is so good that you reached out. Finding a sense of community with others who understand your experience is so critical. I encourage you to continue to try to seek out other people who can understand you, if you can. I have found this board and one close friend have helped a lot when I wasn't able to speak to my T. It goes a long way towards alleviating that feeling of being alone.

Many hugs.

Hi Ainsley, welcome.

I'm still sorting out what I'll do... I know my brother has little to no contact w/ our parents. I'm sorry it was sort of them that decided instead of you, but you are also deciding by keeping that distance? Maybe? My T says sometimes stuff like that changes... I've told her I'm not sure if I'd want it to... I'm sorry you feel so alone You can find 'family' in your life... I know that's what I'll be doing... constructing a family somewhere because I've never really had one. It won't be traditional, but... a bigger thing to be a part of... I just think it takes time.



Welcome, again, good to meet you.

((Ainsley))

I am so sorry you are feeling so alone right now. I can very much relate to your struggles. I was forced to cut off all contact with my dad about 5 years ago, and have kept limited contact with my mom and extended family. I say 'forced' because it came to a real do or die point for me of no longer being able to tolerate the abuse. My family unfortunately has also chosen to keep their little world stable and sweep problems under the rug rather than listen to reality.

I have come to the conclusion that after decades of multi-generational dysfunction, it is simply too overwhelming for them to acknowledge the tremendous amount of pain and cycles of abuse handed down. It's as if several people's worlds would implode if they faced what they either had a direct hand in, or allowed to happen without stepping in. I know they realize it deeeeeep down, (or else they wouldn't have such guilty, avoidant reactions) but it is much easier to blame the innocent child than accept responsibility for their own actions. Which if you really take the time to examine that concept, is the epitome of selfishness.

I feel the real tragedy in this sort of situation is we must endure three different injustices: living with the initial abuse, living with the damages after the fact, and living with the lack of validation from the abuser. I have become familiar with the term 'gaslighting' in my case, which was a very powerful tool used by my dad to constantly make me question my own experiences and perceptions. It went something like, "no you are just being too sensitive about that. I don't remember it happening that way, and i was the adult in the situation. So why would the way you remember it be more accurate?" That was the sort of thing that I had to put a stop to immediately.

Although it is an immensely painful process to separate from your family (for SO many reasons) if it ultimately is for your well being than please continue to take care of yourself and stick to what's best for you. Finding a way to fill your life with people who care about your best interests will go along way in helping you heal. Family isn't always blood, it's the people who truly love you and want what's best for you. Grieving your losses will take time and compassion for yourself, but having empathetic people by your side can make all the difference. I hope you can continue to alleviate your feelings of being alone, and know that you deserve peace and happiness now.

AH

Thanks all for your responses. ((Mad Hatter)). Wow, I really like what you said about not convincing them of their errors nor hoping for sympathy or apologies. I broke down today because I felt like even though I have been strong through this no contact, a part of me still wishes they'd run to me and give me the love and support I should have had as a child. What hurts the most is that they never will. I am glad I read your message because I had a kind of "hard" session with T. I felt myself wanting to push her away and getting angry when she was only expressing the truth. When I read your message, I realized that I don't want to push away and I want support...Therapy is where I get it and I don't want to lose the one person who I need the most. I'm blessed to have also come across these boards. I have been looking for a place that was supportive and where someone would "get me."

((DpBlueSee)) Thanks for your response. I think what I am going through at the moment is where you mentioned the pain is astonishing..realizing that you never really had a mother. My T basically told me that yesterday and I knew it, I always have, BUT hearing it and allowing it to sink in breaks my heart in such a deep, raw way. It hurts. Does it get a little easier as time goes by, or does the ache for mother continually exist? Also, has your family tried contacting you? Or how would you handle it if they did, or if someone got sick? I guess this is all new to me..I will tell you one thing though, letting them go was the most liberating experience of my life. I knew it was the best thing for me. I needed it. But, it remains challenging.

((Catalyst)) I understand where you are at. It takes time to decide what's the best approach. I realize that there are so many different ways to handle the family of origin issue, and each journey is unique in how the individual chooses to progress. Give yourself permission and time to feel it all out. I SO appreciate you telling me that it takes time to build a family, while not traditional, it can be ultimately rewarding. I think I am so impatient, I just want it now.

((Armored Heart))

I can't express how much your message means to me at this time. My loneliness is overwhelming me more and more. But to know that there's someone out there that "gets it" really helps me feel better about the world. I, too, am sorry for all of your pain(and everyone else's on the boards). I wish I could somehow take it all away from everyone, and their hearts would never have to hurt or feel alone, scared, sad, or hopeless ever again. It does feel nice to stumble across a place where my thoughts can settle a bit--or I can express my anger and know that it's not just bottled up inside of me anymore.


Thanks all for making me feel welcomed!

Hi Ainsley,

Yes, I do think the pain gets easier because you can learn to fill the space that has been left by not having the love you needed when you were young. Slowly, over time, you can learn that you are lovable and it was your mother, not you, all that time that caused so much pain in your life. I believe this can only happen in a relationship with a caring T.

My family has not tried to contact me. I am the one who stirred the pot that they didn't want stirred. I didn't support their view, their dysfunctional system anymore, so they couldn't be in a relationship with me.

It has taken a long time of me processing my painful feelings around how broken my family has always been to get to the point where I feel like I would be able to handle them trying to contact me. It was not so in the beginning. In the beginning it caused me a lot of anxiety and anguish to think of them contacting me.

Now, that I have more ownership of who I am, I am not nearly as emotionally attached to their system and I know I have the instincts to handle whatever may come in dealing with them. It comes from within. Just knowing and feeling like you can handle it and the emotions become less intense over time when you process them.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am glad you are in therapy and are reaching out. It is a long, hard road.

Many hugs,

DBS,

Thanks for your response. It's good to hear that you are on the other side of that anxiety or fear of them contacting you and you feel strong enough to stand your ground now. That's such an inspiration to me. I sometimes, eek I am kind of embarrassed to admit this, hear a car door and panic that it might be them walking up the sidewalk to my door. It sends shear panic through my body. I am working on getting my footing. I am working hard on that in therapy and just have realized that I don't feel emotionally safe with a lot of people in my life. SO, I am trying to re-evaluate all relationships. I know that being away from my family is the right choice. It has allowed me to grow in different, new and exciting ways. But, I still sometimes feel like that little girl, scared that they will take control again. I know I will never let them, but that childhood fear creeps in at times.

My story is similar. I started the whole conversation which led to denial, and all around abandonment of the relationship. My sister told me that she didn't want to speak to me--until I quit playing games. My parents denied abuse, even though I remember it in vivid detail. It shakes your entire being when the people who told you your whole life that there's NOBODY in the world who will love you like your family. I'm learning that's not true. But the messages are hard to overcome.

Hi Ainsley,

It's not easy. When I first broke off contact with my mother I went into PTSD flashback mode and was terrified she would show up at my house with a gun. This was all a fantasy but the fear was real.

I agree with you about being away from the family. That has helped to get me out from under paralyzing fear and opened me up to new relationships. There's more time and energy to spend with healthier people.

When I looked back, after it happened, I wish I had done it years before.