(((Sadly)))))

I'm sorry.

quote:

What is so wrong with feeling very small, frightened and hurting and wanting to have another human being put their arm around you and just hold you?

But he won't. And some days I want to pummel him with my tiny little small child fists and rage at him in pure fury of unmet desperate need.

Really understand this. ((((Sadly)))) So sorry!

This is hard Sadly and it seems just so unfair. They call therapy the approximate relationship because it cannot quite be what we should have had as kids. It can meet some of our needs but not all of them and that is what makes it difficult. We can never really go back and be those children again. This is the space we grieve in....for those things we cannot have now but we can have some of it... the support, the empathy, the care and the kindness.

I wish you peaceful, dreamless sleep.

TN

Actually between you, me and the computer screen (and a few hundred lurkers ) I would not want sweetP to touch me right now, unless he is really clear that I am very little and he is okay with that. He is so NOT okay with holding me, in himself, so it just ain't going to happen. Sigh. anyway, he is great with me. He said to me yesterday when I refused to talk to him on the phone, "well I don't want you to be not heard when you need to be". He just undoes me by his kindness. I see him tomorrow morning. I like him very much and feel very safe with him. but I shall probably tell him how much it hurts that he won't hold me, AGAIN.

quote:

What is so wrong with feeling very small, frightened and hurting and wanting to have another human being put their arm around you and just hold you?

But he won't. And some days I want to pummel him with my tiny little small child fists and rage at him in pure fury of unmet desperate need.

Hi Sadly,
I've been kind of avoiding this whole issue you're dealing with because I know I come from a different place on this issue than a lot of people here. But there were two things I wanted to say that I thought might be helpful, as I do understand just how much pain this struggle brings up.

The first is that there is NOTHING wrong with you feeling this way, that you want to be held. It's a normal, healthy human need. You should have had that, the fact that you didn't is a real loss and so is your pain over not getting it. Your P saying no about it is NOT an indictment of how you're feeling or a judgement about how you're feeling. You have every right to feel this way and to express it. I found out something I would never have believed if I hadn't experienced it which was that it was much more important that my needs be heard and understood than it was that I get what I wanted. I think you may find that to be true as well.

The second is that while you not being held and safe as a child was so very wrong and was a denial of your legitimate needs, the withholding of that touch now is something very very different. Now it is about doing what is best for you in the long run. The withholding is being done out of a concern for your well being and providing what you need to heal.

I know these realizations will not take the pain away (and you may not even agree with them) but I offer them in the hope that they might provide some comfort.

AG

That helps AG - I do feel incredibly heard by sweetP and that is making all the difference, and I LOVE being able to tell him all the different layers of feelings I have whirling around. This is a good therapeutic relationship.

I am a bit stunned about how I don't want him to hold me whilst I hurt about not being held. That is a new experience.

Maybe because the holding would negate the experience of working through what it feels like to not be held? Like, it would placate that part of you and then the feelings would never be addressed? Someone in there sounds very wise in mature.

Okay, okay, I just love him. My little child me could hug him to bits.

He is so SWEET!


I told him today that I was in the waiting room on Tuesday cos I was dropping something off and thought I heard him coming down the stairs and was thrown because if he appeared I thought I would grab hold of his sleeve and not let go. And that would be
1. embarrasssing
2. excruciating
3. I would probably cry
4. the secretaries at reception would SEE
5. I would feel RIDUCULOUS!
6. I would be feeling two years old and I would probably not let go easily
7. It would be SILLY

so HE says:

that would be appropriate seeing as you have been having a really hard time, been in pain and then you want to reach out and hold onto a safe and secure person whom you trust.

me: well , yeh.

Him: I don't see anything wrong with that. It would be normal considering all the things that are going on for you right now.

ME: but can you IMAGINE it? You know? I would be TRYING to prize my fingers off your shirt and would have to probably count down from five to do it, and then we would still have a very little me very upset not wanting to leave - and - urgh

[I shudder]

Him: well, that would be okay too. And he sort of smile at me reassuringly.

Really - that man is so SWEET!

He is very sweet. It would be hard to keep myself from hugging him on the spot after saying something like that. He's like an evil genius or something...

Yakusoko- he was just lovely today. It feels like the very little me that has been so much on her guard and hidden and not really allowed to be, is now out and playing and burbling away to him about anything and everything and he just sits back and feel fine with it. I actually felt like I was being held by him in the session, safe and heard and cared about and helped and just such kindness.

I teased him today too. About his car, about my recordings ; he asked what I do with the recordings - and I was still coming in and sitting down, a few minutes late so rushing. So I said, " oh I post them on the internet" to which he looked thrown, I left it for three seconds and then said ' joke'. Well, it made ME laugh.
I did explain I sometimes post from them here, or on my blog but I hide both our identities and you know what he said? He said " Well, I trust you on this one so as long as you are protecting our identities, I am fine to just trust you on your judgement here." At which point i slightly panicked and said ' but my boundaries are really weak on things like this, I don;t know where the boundary is!" and he said, well - just see how it goes.

It is like being held with such gentleness. He said lots of positive things today, like ' YOu were immensely resourceful in india" - have not listened to the recording yet. Might post more when I have.

he is so not frightened by the intensity of the heart ache/pain of the youngest parts of me, he just seems to understand me. I said that I feel so grateful to know him. I feel very fortunate to have a lovely husband, lovely children, lovely home, and really sweet psychologist to talk to.
have to go to bed as it is the big day tomorrow and have to get my outfit sorted. Oh where did I put my wedding invite? LOL

Sadly, that is so sweet. And I'm glad he trusts you, because nothing I've seen that you have shared seems like it would be a violation in any way. I still find it hard to believe that my T believes in me...

Sadly,

It sounds like you had a lovely session with your T. Your posts radiates joy and feelings of emotional security with T.

Thanks Yaku - it has taken me a long time to get to here with sweetP. and it is still bumpy at times. But yes, as Lady Grey says, I felt joy and tremendous feelings of emotional security. What an amazing feeling 'emotional security' is.

quote:

What an amazing feeling 'emotional security' is.

Nothing better. Pleased for you, sadly.
sea

Just glad that you have a safe T who cares and has good boundaries at last, Sadly- thanks for sharing. I think it's interesting that you both want to be held and do not want to be held. I think some part of you that is wise knows that the holding you are getting in *not* being held is more important, though more painful- than the physical holding would be. The not being held is something you get to keep, forever and ever. The physical holding would quickly fade, and likely need more? and then- what about the times when T isn't there...you can hold onto that, he cares so much fro your well-being that he refuses to do something that would likely be easiest for him to do, which is hold you. Maybe-? something like that. Anyway- keep up the good work.

BB

Thanks BB, I am still pro holding and touch in therapy myself, it is being proved to re wire neural pathways fast especially from early years trauma, but sweetP is certainly emotionally holding me, and that is such a good feeling. I find that the fact that he was prepared to say no kindly and also risk being wrong in that answer - was a very helpful experience as I visibly saw him wrestle with the dilemma of trying to work out what was right for me, in his own view, whilst not being entirely sure. BUt I SAW that for him, WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME comes before anything and that is what he is always wrestling with.
Which in itself gives me confidence and a sense of security with him.
Seablue, thanks too. Yes, it is a really good feeling this emotional security. I have LG to thank for pointing out that this is what this feeling may be, as I did not have a phrase for it before. Thanks LG again. Any other suggestions of what to call it happily welcomed.