My T and I are in regular contact over e-mail. What I find is that it's quick and easy for him to reply to something "piddly" but if I start talking about serious or deep stuff, he wants to put more thought into the reply and it tends to be longer before I hear back. Or, I don't hear back because he'd rather reply in person during a session instead.

I agree with Hummingbird, talk to him about it and how it makes you feel.

As for being afraid of making him angry, remember, the relationship is a big part of the therapy. Talking about how you are angry at him could lead you to discover more about yourself. If it helps any, my T always is pleased when I tell him I'm mad at him.

Thx Heather and HB. I don't know how more clear to him I could be - I said "please please please help me" and I even took another leap saying "I wish I could see you" and told him how heavy my heart was because of Monday being exactly 25 years since I was assaulted (at 17 y.o.) and everyone's idea of handling it was to pretend it never happened so NOBODY CARES that my life was RUINED!!! I feel like I'm invisible to everyone. We talk about it in therapy because I feel like I don't exist since people don't even notice me hurting, but a couple weeks ago it seemed like we connected and for once I wasn't worried that he wouldn't care about me and I did lay my heart out a little. I still haven't heard from him! My appt is tomorrow so I bet he won't reply now. I wish I never wrote him. I'm too scared to tell him how angry this made me, I already went out on a limb TWICE when I wrote him and I didn't get any response.

Hi Debbye
Welcome to the forums! I'm sorry about not getting an answer back, I know how hard it is when you're waiting for a reply and that sinking feeling that it's not coming.

I have a T that's pretty close to perfect, but he SUCKS at email. I am able to email or call as often as I need to in between appts but he is much more responsive to phone calls. I emailed him TWICE on his last vacation which came at the end of a four week break and he didn't answer either one. When I called (in a complete panic) he told me that he didn't think either required a response. I had to be physically restrained. Of course, one of the things that we're working on is me asking for what I need. So the next time I emailed him the subject line said "I would like a response to this email"

I know it's really scary and very hard to talk to him about this especially after getting no response but the problem is that when this happens and our therapists don't respond, the first place we go is to think we've done something wrong, or it's about them wanting us gone or not caring. The only way to know that isn't true is to ask them why they didn't reply. It would also be a good time to ask what their policy is about contact in between sessions so you know what to expect. I know it's hard to talk about, but it's even harder to just leave it out there not knowing what it means.

But either way, come hear and talk about how you're doing. We get it and understand what you're going through.

AG

Thanks AG. And everyone!

Well, I feel stupid for being angry because I found out that his computer was broken. Instead of focusing on the anger part though, I just said I really needed him to hear me Monday because he's the only one who gets me. So then he did talk about how I can't go back in a time machine 25 years and do stuff differently (like I'm desperate to do) but that I'm actually NOT stuck and I can trust that there's a different path for my life than a U-turn or a brick wall. It's hard but I think I get it. He told me not to fill in the blanks for him anymore (like assuming he didn't care because he didn't respond) and he asked me to call him next time something like this happens. He also told me that caring about me isn't annoying to him or a burden. So risking sharing my feelings in that email was worth it because he understood where I was coming from that night when I was upset. He even remembered that this is a difficult time of year for me so next week he said we could discuss going twice a week for a while if I'd like that support. I feel kind of blown away because this turned out better than I thought. Nobody has been there for me like this before, and it feels pretty neat! Thanks again for all of your comfort and advice, I appreciate it so much.

Debbye,
I'm so glad it turned out to be a computer problem and that you were able to talk to your T about it and get reassurance that it wasn't about you. I believe this is at the heart of therapy, our ability to get some distance from our emotional reactions and realize that how we feel isn't always an accurate reflection of reality. You felt that his lack of response meant he didn't care when really it meant he had a bum computer. And now you're experienced what it's like to have a disruption occur in the relationship, get angry with him and then repair the relationship and know its still intact. Healthy relationships allow us to experience and express all kinds of emotions and for many of us, our Ts are a really safe place to learn this.

And it sounds like you have a good T, his offer to have you come in more often shows that he's paying attention and making sure you get what you need.

AG

Hi Debbye,

Your story made me smile..in the end of course! I'm so happy it worked out for the best...and don't feel bad at all...your T is trained to expect you to go through your emotions with him and he knows it isn't personal. And he sounds lovely and caring in the way that he said that he understood that it is a difficult time for you.

Your account reminds me so much of me and my old T. He said, at least on one occasion, "Oh, is that what I was thinking?" when I gave him the account of what I thought he was thinking or he meant. In a way it made me laugh and on the other hand it was nice that he was so in tune with me. He reassured me that only he knew what he was thinking at any particular moment and that if i asked him he would be totally honest with me. But I find it really really hard to trust people when they are complimentary towards me or if I feel they are judging me.

I didn't email him apart from once or twice over the whole therapy relationship for the simple reason that I didn't want to be disappointed if he didn't reply. My default is that people will treat me badly I guess and don't care.

It seems in your case that your T really does care and I hope things run smoothly from now on. Just be honest with him and it will help to build up trust.

Mrs. P

I know how you feel. Last week was horrible. Someone I was very close to died on Sunday. We made a trip to go see my sister in law and saw her Saturday and then she died on Sunday from Cancer. I texted my psychiatrist and got no response. I tried texting him again every single day until Thursday. I was so mad at him and felt like he really let me down and didnt care about me or how I felt. I felt like I was getting treated by him just like everyone in my past had treated me. People in my past told me they would be there for me but then when I needed them they were not there for me. My psychiatrist had told me that I could call or text him whenever I really needed him but not to do it for little things just to talk to him because of the feelings I had for him. I was so mad I was close to not wanting to go back and see him ever again cause he would just hurt me again.

Thursday I finally got a response from him when I texted him. I started the text with "I know you ignored all the other texts, but Im having a hard time since the funeral" and then told him what was going on. He texted back and said "ignored what texts and what funeral?"

I felt kind of stupid for being so mad at him and for all the bad stuff I said about him in my head. I feel a little better now that I have gotten a response but at the same time still feel hurt and upset even though I have no reason to be mad now. Its hard to change it just because I know I dont have a good reason to be mad at him.

I havent been honest with him yet about being so mad at him but have been told I need to because he will no by the way I act when I see him so I might as well tell him when I see him next week.

Debbye,

Tell him you're angry. Of course, be respectful, but tell him. Being able to express how you really feel is what it's all about. And my guess is your T wouldn't want you to censor your anger. That's what gets a lot of us in therapy in the first place. It can be hard. It took me a long time to be straight with my T when I'm angry with him, and it still feels awkward, but it's important to try.

Good luck!
Russ

AG - actually, the more time that’s passed since that day makes me feel like maybe my relationship with him isn’t intact anymore. The titles of my journals lately have been a countdown till my next session because I’m really getting worried about this. I wish he could tell me I’m important to him again without having me ask (even though from what Mrs. P said it sounds like that’s par for the course with T’s).

Pippi, I’m so sorry what happened to you. My T’s lack of response was only a couple days and still hurt me, so I’m pretty stunned you hung in there. I don’t even know how I would fix that big of hurt. When I get hurt about something, I feel like I pensively reach out to my T by telling him what happened, and then he acknowledges “Wow, that is awful,” etc. and I feel heard, which makes me feel better. So when I wrote him and he didn’t answer, I felt like I was reaching but there was nothing acknowledging me (and I still feel like I never want to email him again because I’m scared he won’t be there for me to reach for). But my T has been working with me to acknowledge my pain on my own (like, me telling myself “that is awful”). I think I’ve done it once or twice (or three times if you count Wednesday). At any rate, knowing you (Pippi) had nothing to reach for, for almost a week makes me really feel for you and I just wanted you to know.

I only focused on the fact that I needed him so bad Monday and it hurt not to get a response but I didn’t tell him I was angry because in the past (and even with my husband now) there’s no point in me saying I’m upset because nobody listens or they’ll even get angry with me for being angry! In the past (and with my husband) when they get upset with me, sometimes they will be angry with me for days and they act unloving for days. I don’t want to experience that with my T, being upset with him and then him getting angry with me for being upset and then maybe even telling me not to come back.

quote:

I don’t want to experience that with my T, being upset with him and then him getting angry with me for being upset and then maybe even telling me not to come back.

Hi Debbye,
I understand your fears because I went through the same feelings with my therapist but the whole point of the theraputic relationship is for you to experience a relationship that is about your needs, where all of your feelings can be safely expressed without fear of being sent away. Your therapist's responsibility is to be able to hear your anger and discuss without getting defensive or upset back. Most Ts are really good at this. If they are getting upset, it is their responsibility to deal with their feelings outside of your therapy, with a friend or supervisor.

I have actually yelled at my T, gotten angry with him for cancelling appts, going on vacation and, most irrational of all, for not lying to me. He has never once been angry with me and often works really hard to get me to express my anger. The truth is that anger is only another emotion and should be able to be expressed in a relationship without ending it. It's one of the biggies we go to therapy to learn.

One way to approach your anger which worked for me, was to tell my T that I needed to tell him something about how I felt but that it was scary because I feared he would send me away, or I would damage the relationship. That way I was able to get reassurance before I said how I felt.

But I know it can be really difficult to do when we've only ever experienced something different. But therapy is where we can take these chances knowing that for once we're safe.

AG

I don't know why, but I just love this.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
I have actually yelled at my T...for not lying to me.
AG

It's like, "how dare you not bullshit me the way I bullshit myself, damn it! What is your problem!" Oh yeah, been there.

I once told my T that I hated the way he looks, that I hated how he dresses and how he just sits there and nods half the time.

Once, after a couple of sessions that started about 5 minutes late and didn't make up the time at the end, I told him that I didn't mind starting a few minutes late as long as we made up for it on the other end. I said, "let's keep the frame in tact, OK?" He beamed a huge smile and said, "that works me for me."

Took me about a year to say something like that to him.

Russ

Good for you Russ! I'm sure your T was proud of you for asserting yourself!

And just for record I have also gotten mad at my T for NOT lying to me about something. He just smiled at me and said he would never lie to me, not even to make me feel better. I realized how foolish I was to say that but felt really wonderful to hear him say that he would never lie to me. My Dad would lie to me all the time and I never knew where I stood or what to believe. I don't have to figure this out with my T... I just know he tells the truth, even if it's not always pretty. I love and value his honesty.

TN

originally posted by Attachment Girl:

quote:

the whole point of the theraputic relationship is for you to experience a relationship that is about your needs, where all of your feelings can be safely expressed without fear of being sent away.

That sounds right and reasonable when I read it, but it also seems out of reach to me. I am amazed at the people who feel their therapists are available to them by text, email, and phone calls between sessions. I do not trust that my therapist is available to me that way. But that could be my own hang-up and not my therapist's fault. I don't want her to know I could need her that badly, because then she might let me down by distancing herself to escape my dependency needs, and it will feel like abandonment. I don't want to test her and find out. But I hate feeling like I am just living to make it to the next session, especially since I am only scheduled to see her every other week. It doesn't feel like that is often enough contact.

Hi MH,
I really understand your feelings because I've had all of them. With my first T I made exactly one emergency phone call the whole time I saw her. It never occurred to me that I could contact her between sessions and we never talked about it, although she was always really careful to make sure I had emergency numbers any time she went away.

With my present T, he worked really hard to let me know it was ok to contact him. He does have very liberal contact rules. I can email or call, although he tends to be much more responsive to phone calls. If I leave an emergency message with his session, he almost always calls back within an hour (on a very few occasions it's been longer but that is typically during the evenings or weekends). The only time I have not been able to contact him was when he did a trip to Europe and didn't have dependable contact. I've even emailed the poor man on vacation. Most of my phone calls are about 2 minutes in length although on rare occasions I've gone as long at 10 mins. I usually only contact him once between sessions alhtough again, there has been a time or two where its been three times.

He has talked to me about the fact that contacting him is actually theraputic because I've needed to learn that it's safe to move towards someone when I felt needy (not the experience I had growing up.) And that I have needed to be dependent on him for a while to heal and become independent.

If you haven't done so, I would really recommend doing some reading in the older threads. I would also recommend reading "A General Theory of Love" by Thomas Lewis et al which does a great job explaining why we need connection with others and our need to be dependent for a while to heal.

And if you don't feel like every other week is often enough, you should bring it up with your therapist. I go once a week and sometimes getting through a week can be very difficult. There are a lot of people who go twice a week and its not unheard of to go even more often when in crisis.

AG

quote:

He has talked to me about the fact that contacting him is actually theraputic because I've needed to learn that it's safe to move towards someone when I felt needy (not the experience I had growing up.) And that I have needed to be dependent on him for a while to heal and become independent.

AG, I appreciate knowing you have had all these same feelings. I am so glad for you that you have the relationship with your T that you do. That is what I would personally hope for myself. I imagine that it takes a special T person to be as available to their clients as what we sometimes need them to be. I don't think all Ts are up to the task. I'm trying to figure out if mine is, without getting hurt in the process.

How can one know when it is, or is not, safe to move towards someone? Very often I do not verbally articulate my needs (or what I see as needs, but perhaps they are just wants). I think I do not talk about them out of fear that things will be worse for it -- that I will be ignored, shut down, rejected, humiliated, attacked, resented, disliked or even hated, etc. on top of not getting my needs met. I don’t think my fear is unreasonable; it has happened so many times in my life, and it crushes me every time. But then I get angry that a need is not being met, and yet I am not sure with whom I should be angry -- myself for having the need in the first place, or the persons I expect should be meeting my needs?