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Thank you all. I am so tired of being numb and unable to connect to anything or anyone, let alone my T. I just can't *feel* the connection that I so desperately want and need to feel. But I'm too afraid of needing my T -and having her know- that I can't say anything. I think I'm just broken.

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I feel so much hatred for myself lately...I can't believe I've written all of this.
quote:
But I'm too afraid of needing my T -and having her know- that I can't say anything.
I was just thinking the same thing today... I used to think it 24-7. Now, it only comes up every now and then. I used to believe it would NEVER ever possibly get any better, and then it did... I believe that in time it will for you too. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I'm glad you have been writing and I can really relate...
~jane
Hi Kashley,

How awful you are feeling so numb and disconnected. That is truly an awful place to be, just to have- nothing, no emotions, no care, interest- do you feel empty? Lost? Sometimes it helps a tiny bit, to just try, put a word or two to what you are (or aren't as the case may be) -feeling. Numb is a good one, and disconnected. Are there other words that can describe that lost place, I wonder? Even, just one or two...

Just wanted to reach out and touch you, as your sad post touched me..

Love,

BB
Thanks for listening, even if it's only a few words at a time. It still means a lot. Mostly, the numbness is unbearable at times. And I've had urges to SI again, and I really can't do that, if not for me, I can't because of a contract I have with my T about it. But when I'm numb, my game face for the rest of the world is so automatic that I can't turn it off, even when I'm with my T.

I'm sorry..for some reason it just feels really exhausting to write much more about this right now.

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