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4 replies

Normal, expected anger?

jen12jen12Member
I'm trying to figure out if my anger has jumped the shark. Razzer

Very, very long story short: Lots of attachment to former T. Trusted him a lot and opened up to him about all sorts of traumas that he should have put the brakes on. Realized he wasn't helping/couldn't help with my C-PTSD because he didn't have the training. Looked into another T for PTSD, realizing I would likely have to stop seeing former T. Made an initial appt. with new T, told former T, and asked for some time to transition. Former T cut me off. We had one more session which I didn't realize was the last session until about 10 minutes before the session was up. Met with new T once (and you know how initial meetings go -- mostly informative and not therapeutic) and then he couldn't schedule me again for another 3 weeks. No longer had former T. Decided to go inpatient so I would maybe make some headway and have some support over the next few weeks. That was impossibly hard for my husband and girls, but we all managed.

So . . .

I was extremely angry and extremely hurt by ex-T for a while after our split. It was over a month until I noticed a day had gone by and I HADN'T thought about him/the situation. Slowly I learned to trust new T and kept busy enough to avoid much daily anger at ex-T.

Now? It's been 3 1/2 months and I want to ruin him. I fantasize about doing all sorts of mean things to him. Cancelling his credit cards, sending anonymous accusations in the mail, trying to sabotage his personal life . . .

I know that he is a convenient target for all the anger I've had for years and years. But I am also legitimately hurt by him and furious with him. My new T (who is a trauma expert) says that ex-T inadvertently re-traumatized me and that he didn't handle the end of our therapy professionally.

So when does my anger become not-to-scale? I avoided some of the anger until now -- but I have to admit that it feels really effing good to think about destroying him. It's not like me -- that's not my character at all. But it's that "oh HELL no!" type of rage and I don't know what to do with it.
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S searchingMember
Hey Jen
Sorry you are hurting so much. Totally relate to the anger and desire to
ruin him. My T says to me that I need to stay with the feelings and talk
about it, not act them out. She also says through pain we grow, and I have
to say that in my experience she has been right. I used to bring all my
murderous rage and similar ideas that you're having and share them with T.
Safe in the knowledge that she knew I needed to get it all out my system
but she always reminded me I couldn't actually do those things but it was
Ok I felt that way. What actually helped me the most was hacking a tree
stump to sawdust with an axe in my garden and literally pulling the roots
out the ground with my bare hands. All the while I was sobbing and ranting.
The neighbours probably thought I'd completely lost the plot but it was so
cathartic and something shifted from then on.
I'm not sure if I expended all my rage or just got to the point where I was
Not going to allow the subject of my rage to have any more power over me but
the intensity of my rage and anger lessened and the need to get revenge on him
passed. Having T not be disgusted by me and tbe thoughts I had and having her
still hold a high opinion of me in spite of the foul things I know I could
have done was also validating and healing. I'm not sure I'm at a place of forgiveness
for the wrong done to me but the rage is no longer consuming me.

Sorry to make this all about me but I just wanted you to know that I totally relate
and understand your anger, but talk it out for as long as you need to rather
than act it out in reality!

Go gently
Searching
jen12jen12Member
Searching, thank you so much for your response.

I hadn't really thought of talking about it with current T. I just assumed that since my feelings were so rageful that he would be mandated to report the "danger" to ex-T.

When I went inpatient we did a daily "how you doing?" kinda form. One of the emotions mentioned was anger -- how much of it and toward anyone in particular? For the first week I would answer honestly -- about 4 or 5 on a 1-10 scale and say it was toward ex-T (and I actually wrote "ex-therapist," but they knew who he was because of my paperwork). I didn't realize it until after that first week but they were looking for a big improvement in that area before they felt I was ready for discharge. Once I figured that out, I improved.

So honestly -- who can you talk about this stuff with? Isn't someone going to work out my IP address and contact the authorities or something? Isn't that what's supposed to happen?
S searchingMember
Hey Jen
Really quick reply as I have to go to work...
I think as long as you prefix what you say with the fact that you aren't
actually going to do the things you talk about but they need to be expressed
in order to let go of them, then there is nothing to report. You have enough
insight to realise that the rage you feel is not purely about ex T and in talking
about this current rage it will likely open the way for you to explore and heal
from past situations where you have suppressed your justifiable anger.
Talk about your fear of being reported to the authorities as well-it's all grist
for the mill!
I hope you can take the risk and talk about it...it sounds like you really
need some outlet and relief for the feelings! Thinking of you.

SSearching
greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Hi Jen, I agree with searching in that you need a safe forum to express your homocidal rage and being able to talk about such intense feelings will mean you are much less likely to act on them. Usually underneath rage is a truckload of hurt, which might help you in your thinking and understanding about what's going on for you xx

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