Hey Dude-

It's amazing how much we put judgements on ourselves that make healing harder....

I hear your frustration and have been there before.

I don't know if these things I will say will be helpful but I will share my reaction to your post. I don't expect you to share your answers with me Just some things to think about..

1- What makes a 'bad' client? What is a 'good' client? What if you are a bad client... what does that mean about you?

2- Have you shared with your therapist that you feel things aren't working? Is this a perception of yours ... are their expectations you have in treatment that you aren't reaching and therefore feel they aren't working? I remember once saying something like this so my therapist and she started to make a list of the progress she has seen in me and how things are actually working.. she shared these with me and it was helpful...

3- Feeling likt this stuff shouldbt bother you (also been there)... but thaqn there is the question... why not? Why should it not bother you? I think it's 'normal' for these things to 'bother' yuou because they are unfair, horrible, painful and they are not processed yet.... they get better in time.. but time is unknown...

4- Making things bettter? Again, what are/is your expectations..... it seems to me that you have some inside idea of how things should be/could be and aren't .... I feel that expectations do hold us back in therapy because we often internalize them but really.. what are the expectations...... it's hard to seek mindfulness of the moment and expecting/accepting them as part of the process...

5- Sure littles can come out when you 'can't handle it' but they also have information that maybe you aren't ready to share but they were. You feel frustratd and maybe 'weak' because you couldnt just say it and the little could.. but in reality. littles.... they dont have the same defences that bigs have.... it's 'easier' for them to talk about certain things b/c they don't put judgements on things.. or often don't.... I don't know.. just something I have noticed...

Whatever the case, I think maybe you feel stuck.... but why? Are you really... what is the situation in your head that makes you feel like nothing is working.....

Okay I think i made my points..... Safe hugs... hope the reflection helps some.... I know I have been in similar situations/feelings that you describe....

Butterfly Warrior

Dude et al.:

No one is a "bad client"....I am most certain that CG does not view you (or any of the insiders) in that way.....I myself have given her a "run for her money" on many occasions......It took me a long time to realize that I had a choice to "let go" of all of the traumas in my past.....(once I had worked through them all).....I had to be ready emotionally......does this make sense?.....it is hard to write this into words.......I fear that things could be misinterpreted somewhat....and I am just wanting to be supportive the best way that I can....Are you able to share more of what happened last night? I am just a keyboard away....

Take good care of yourself
Deb

I appreciate your words and support. I'm not yet ready to share things though ... part of it is how I dealt with the wasp in my kitchen the other day. I slept in, and it's a sunny day... sunshine is always good!
dude

Dude et al.:

Yes, sunshine is good....I like the feeling of the warmth of the sun on my skin....somehow it is very comforting to me....

Take good care of yourself......
Deb

Why things shouldn't bother me... I suppose that goes with my role in the system (a system, by the way, is what we call the group of us insiders). My 'role' is as protector. That is, I oversee the system, check how people are doing, check on issues of safety. I am the 'strong one' ... basically there to protect others so bad stuff doesn't happen to them. And, the thing is, 'bad stuff' DID still happen! In fact, 'bad stuff' even happened to me! And yes, for me, I'm not supposed to 'let it get to me'. I know that's irrational, but, as I said I'm 'supposed' to be strong! yes... I'm hard on myself. Nothing new there...

dude

Also wanted to say... I"m enjoy getting to know you both (Debbie and B.W.... if I may use that shortened form). However, I'm also aware this is a public board and others can read whatever we say. Which makes me hesitant to share too much... which is why I like IM (instant messaging) or PM (private messaging) as an option. JMHO (just my honest opinion)

dude

Dude et al.:

Yes, this is a public forum.....I am feeling quite safe to share here....but understand that you are not quite in the same space/place.....I am not sure what or how to do the IM...and PM, does that mean our personal email addresses??

Deb

ACtually there doesn't seem to be any way to do that on this board! But I do use YahooIM ... that's not connected to this board though...

dude

Dude et al.:

How would someone get that yahoo IM thing?

An inquiring Deb

"Google it"

dude

Dude et al.:

How then do you meet up with people?

D

Okay now Dude et al., I have installed the yahoo IM program....so now what?

D

Now you need someone's IM identification or whatever so you can talk to them... ours is mesetall

dude

Dude et al.:

Mine is shalott333....

D

B.W.... do you have YahooIM also?

dude

Hi Everyone, David installed the private messaging so it's now working. And we also enabled avatars.
Shrinklady

Shrinklady:

Thank you.....I have a question.....If, for example, I messaged someone privately on this site, would you then (or your tech crew) also be able to view it?

An inquiring Deb

very cool... are you going to tell us how it works??

dude

Hi Dude-

didnt realize there was so much activity over here!

I got your yahoo.. going to add it... mine has part of my nickname in it.. Izzie so you will know it's me when you see the whole name.

Deb- if you use yahoo. i would like to have you on mine too.

B.W.. hehe

Oh yeh Dude.... about being the system protector.... I know a System therapist.. he has no baggage.... etc etc.... yet.. he has gotten issues.. because of stuff that happens.. gets overly stressed and got to the point where the outside therapist that trained him to help inside needed to give him a little therapist to therapist type therapy.... so.... just cause your a protector and 'should' be strong doesnt necessarily mean you can take on the world. After all, you are strong because you are helping to keep the system going and even thouh you might run into some issues that are hard to deal with, you are stil the person for the job that no one else is able to do!

Butterfly Warrior:

Yes, I am a yahoo user now...thanks to Dude et al......When I get home this evening, I shall add you to my contact list......Again, are you okay?

A concerned Deb

Butterfly Warrior:

I have added you to my contact list.....

D

Hello-

good... just added you back.... im going to delete the post with my IM name on it now if i can.

Izzie

Oh, hi Deb, I didn't see your question until now. I will have to ask David. If I am capable of seeing it, I wouldn't know how at least...at this point...still finding my way around. I wonder why I didn't get notified for instance that you left this note here.

I'll get back to you,
Shrinklady

Hi Dude, just caught your question. Doesn't the PM work like other boards? That must sound like a crazy question...I assumed I just needed to turn it on, which we did when David was here. Are there no instructions here. LOL. I'll have to get back to you on that one.

Shrinklady

Normally there will be a button under a persons name that says 'PM' or something. I don't see any here so I don't know how it works. Don't mean to confuse you... I know you're trying! And thanks for all the work you do here.

dude

Thanks Dude, I'll read up on it. David my techie won't be back for a while so I'll see what I can figure out on my own.
Shrinklady

No worries... i think those 'regulars' here have each other on YahooIM. What about you, shrinklady, ever think of YahooIM? Any more thoughts about doing a chat here?

dude