So, a couple of weeks ago, T said I had a bigger than average need to not be wrong. And, I kind of agreed, from the point of view that if I've invested my energy thinking about/deciding something, and really having an opinion, I am very defensive about it. Anyway, we talked about it as related to the massive invalidate I constantly experienced during childhood as regards my thoughts, feelings, experiences, selfhood, etc. I didn't really relate to how deep he saw it going internally until just now.

I just got triggered by a little joke/game in which I was wrong and I literally went . I still feel like it was misleading/inaccurate), but it...was...just...a...game...and I'm now feeling ridiculous for the really strong fight or flight response I got from it, as if my whole identity was being erased. My H decided it was a good idea to laugh and tease and goad me about it and I got the point where I didn't even want to see him the rest of the day and told him so, because I had asked him not to tease me (he always does, so I should have known better). We're going to do jack-o-lanterns with Boo tonight and I literally do not want to do them with him anymore. I can't help it. I'm so triggered. For his part, H thinks I'm being "cute" by getting all worked up, which is fine...but the part where he argues that even though I was misled and he was too (we did the game the exact same way) gets me super triggered into such a highly activated state that I really feel like I need to break things or stop existing. I'm calming down now, but still...it's just, wow, this is a hugely big trigger for me.

So, first, I wanted some support, because I'm hugely ashamed that I am SO triggered by being wrong, or specifically, when my opinions/analysis are invalidated, especially when I still think they make sense. I know it's linked to how I was treated as a child, and even when I knew I was right (i.e. this bad thing was said/done to me, but I was told things happened in a different way), I could never prove it and had to be co-opted into the "false" reality. I mean, it's definitely something that's out of proportion in the present, but since that stuff happened to me, I don't need to be so massively ashamed that I have these reactions now if I can understand why they happen and how terrifying and infuriating it must have been as a very young child and teen...right? Like, I guess, I need permission to forgive myself for being so reactive?

Secondly, I realize that especially in the early years here, I wasn't able to "hear" a lot of things people were telling me, because they were challenging opinions of mine that I had put a lot of "identity" into. So, while I might not have gotten angry and mean most of the time, I know I did respond defensively at times, or else went into disect-mode, where I methodically analyze the other person's statements to see where they are right and where they are wrong...which could come across as hugely invalidating too. I mean, I guess I was trained to do that by my dad, who was more the one who invalidated the way I thought or opinions I had than the things I felt or remembered (the latter were mostly mom). Anyway, if I have ever acted defensively about being presented with a different opinion or way of looking at things and invalidated or hurt anyone, I want to really apologize for having done it. I ask that you please understand I was behaving out of a highly triggered/reactive place (doesn't make it right) and forgive me. Anyone who has interacted with me over a longer period has likely experienced this from me and I am deeply sorry if I ever caused any frustration or pain, because it didn't feel like I could was able to listen to your thoughts and feelings.

Lots of love,

Yaku