It is so painful to not belong to T. They are not ours and we want that so much. To have that connection everyday. To be in the inner circle. To be special.

T and I talked about this longing and pain today. She said it was painful to her too. That surprised me so much that I couldn't even respond to that or ask about it. I guess try to remember that the connection does go both ways and the limitations may be frustrating to your T too.

I hope this helps. It certainly made realize that I do have a place in her life. Not the place I want but a place that is more significant than I ever realized. This is probably true for you and your T which I know is hard to believe when we so often think so little of ourselves because that is how we were raised. Give T the benefit of the doubt. You are important to him.

((((YAKU))))

Also sending

(((Yaku)))First let me say how sorry I am for your deep pain. Its has to be very difficult to feel you don't belong. I think you have a very special connection with your T, and not everybody has that, so I'm hoping you will see that as what it is, A special precious gift, that says you are very important you matter a lot! I will be thinking of you.

I'm with you Yaku. In the same place and it is so very, very painful. So painful that sometimes I want to run away from it.

(((Anthenacus))) (((Liese))) Thanks for the hugs.

(((River))) Thanks for saying that the limitations might be frustrating to my T. I don't know if they are. But, I do know he does think about relating in other ways, because sometimes he jokes about it. Like, because we are both into music, how it would be fun to be in a band together. Or him playing at my church, my playing at his. When I went camping, he had never heard of the campground we went to (which I grew up going to), and he randomly took a trip with his wife (more than two hour drive for him out to the coast) and drove RIGHT past the campground on that day, which would have usually been our session. He said he thought of driving through and calling out, though obviously he would never do it, especially with his wife along...though he did tell her, "Oh, I have a client camping here this weekend!" Anyway, even though he probably doesn't have any "longings" about it, I know he does muse on what it would be like to connect in a different context, so that is something. And I know he deeply wishes that somebody could have been there when it was most needed. But...they weren't. I mean, that's unfair. My parents were there. It's not like they were trying to harm me. They just...weren't equipped and did a lot of damage from a very lost place. I have a lot of compassion for that, because I fear doing the same to my daughter all the time.

(((SP))) I'm glad I have him too. There are a lot of things I haven't allowed myself to feel for years, because I had to live my life around the trigger of, for example, needing another person. So, without meeting him, there were whole areas of my life I needed to keep dissociated to feel safe. Now I am safer to be more of who I am and try to form relationships with others...even though it's still scary as hell.

(((eme))) Hi, welcome! You're right. I do have a very special connection with my T, even if I am perpetually on the outside of his life as a whole. Honestly, I am terrified to be special to him. When he said his taking the day off yesterday hinged on my advice to do it, it scared the crap out of me. Partly, I really believe that he wouldn't think to take the time off for himself on his own, very easily. It's just not his habit, and that's probably not a good thing. But, partly, because he has taken time off when *I* am away, but all his other clients are in, I know he has a really strong desire to be there for me, and treats me kind of differently in that way. I mean, I guess it's also harder to reschedule me to a different day, because he gives me long sessions. Regardless, that specialness of getting more (both time and consideration) makes me feel "in trouble." I'm used to taking care of others and considering their needs first...it's not something I'm accustomed to receiving from someone. It feels very backwards when he puts me first in that way.

(((RM))) I am so sorry you're in the same place. I often want to run, and convince myself it is for his good as much as mine. People here who are further along in the "grieving" process here help inspire me to stay through it when it gets so heavy like this.