quote:

I have responses on my threads that I need to answer and several threads I wanted to offer support on, but I keep getting triggered with massive anxiety when I try. I'm still reading and feeling really inconsiderate for not being supportive to others.

(((Yaku)))) I go through this all the time. It makes it so hard for me to feel deserving to be here etc. Yet I see you as a totally supportive caring person. I don't see you as inconsiderate. I know, as do others that you have a lot to contend with at this time.

Wow, I can't imagine how painful a full on abreaction would be! And then to have to handle it without another session for the week seems like a very big challenge! Yaku, you take care of yourself. You are going through a lot. This is the long painful road to recovery and you're doing it.

(((SP))) (((turtle)))

quote:

something to spread out the burden that is me, so it's not all on this one single person.

OK, so just remembered I wrote this and had a massive reaction. I don't mean to say that I don't get support here, or from even individuals here who I've gotten to know better, because I really do. I just mean, it all being on my T, because sometimes you need that support person to be IN person to help you ground. And for whatever reason, it just feels much safer if it's someone or a group that I pay. Probably shame stuff there, about compensating them for the pain and horror of dealing with me...

Anyway, I do appreciate all you lovely people and your support. I just need someone I can...err...avoid looking in the eye, but still know I'd be able to if I wasn't such a coward.

Yaku I am so sorry for how rough it has been for you and all the upheaval you have been feeling. The kind of upheaval where you feel like you've just been pushed over the edge or else drowning, especially when abreaction happens. It is incredibly scary and intense.

Most important thing right now is for you to take care of you and find a way to stabilize your internal system, and get the consistent and more immediate support you need. Everyone here understands if you can't respond or reach out or back to them atm.

Just want to send comforting hugs and loving care your way, Amber

Yaku, I am really sorry things are so tough. I hope you are able to access some support to help you feel a little more stable.

(((SP))) (((Amber))) (((Mallard)))

Scheduled an appointment with a Pdoc...I guess for intake? It's the first step to going into the IOP, if I choose to do that. Scared to death, mostly of invalidation and some internal "getting in trouble for telling." One week away.

Yaku I would never think you are inconsiderate in any way. You have consistently been there for so many of us. Now is your time to focus on you. If it makes you feel okay to just read for awhile, then just read. It's okay to do that. It really is. There is no pressure for you to respond. Right now you need to focus on this deep and important and courageous work ou are engaged in with your T.

And... I do not think for one second that your T feels this is a burden in any way. I actually believe that your T feels honored to be part of your recovery and privileged to share this healing journey with you. There are not many people who can show the courage and insight that you have shown in therapy.

If IOP is what will help you then I hope that works out for you and we will be here supporting you every step.

Sending safe hugs
TN

((((YAKU)))))

(((Cat))) I think you might have had something on this thread...or was it another one...but I just wanted to say thanks so much. I'm sorry I took so long to get back to it. I am getting triggered by my own stuff lately, at random.

(((TN))) My T probably doesn't feel any of the ways it seems to me right now. I know he cares deeply for me and he has talked vaguely about the blessings he has from his working in general and with me in specific.

(((Liese))) Hugs back!


I don't know if the IOP will help or not. I'm terrified and having nightmares about being invalidated by random people or "found out" by family members. I still am not sure whether I can make this appointment or I'll have to cancel it from anxiety. I was scared my T would think I'm bad or be disappointed or I was exaggerating the need for more support than he is able to offer. He said none of the above that he thinks it's really good that I'm trying to be proactive about the situation I'm facing. He's really so steady and caring and...I can't seem to really take it in. Now I'm scared that him thinking it's good that I'm being proactive is him being relieved I'll be utilizing any other avenue but him...I hate being so scared when I have no (present) reason to be.

(((Yaku)))

Just wanted to send some hugs and support your way, I hope your fears are eased soon Thinking of you


AH