quote:

I think I'm stuck. Talk about them it hurts don't talk about it hurts as well.
For the longest time I couldn't remember things and now I remember everything and I'm physically making myself sick.

PG,
You're in what I think is the very worst part of therapy. You've abandoned your old defenses enough that you are starting to let the buried stuff come to the light but you have not yet learned new ways of handling the knowledge or regulating the very difficult emotions that come along with them. I honestly believe this is the hardest, most painful and confusing part. My T has often said that it can be very confusing because people go to therapy to feel better but often in the beginning things actually get worse. There's a good reason we bury this stuff, it's painful and very difficult to face and process even with a therapist to help us. And you're running up against one of the things that highlights that therapy isn't enough. Our therapists can't be there 24/7 the way our parents were supposed to have been. The little time we have with them isn't enough and when a vacation interrupts even that, it's hellish.

I just want to encourage you to not lose hope. You're doing what you need to do to heal. Once you are able to face these memories and feelings, you get to bury them again but they'll rest in peace this time instead of driving you from under the earth. You really will heal and the pain will be worth it.

And I like Pajama Girl! She sounds like a superhero that shows up at sleepovers when you run out of popcorn or the movie you're watching is really bad.

AG

Pj Girl

Oh I sympathise with you, I think I am unfortunately an expert in bringing difficult things up before a break or before my T has to cancel. It doesn't get much tougher. So what are you meant to do with all that stuff? Once it's out, you can't seem to get it stuffed away as efficiently as you did before...bits keep popping out all over the place.

quote:

now I'm thinking there is never going to be a good time to talk about all those awful trauma issues from childhood

It's taken me years to realise this...there never IS a good time. My T always wants it to be as safe as possible for me, will look ahead at breaks coming up etc, but sometimes I tell her I have to talk now anyway. It doesn't just go away because the timing's not ideal. So she goes with whatever feels best for me.

But Pj Girl all I can say is that in my experience the voice in me that tells me not to talk, is normally the voice that silenced me for so many years. If you can be brave and talk, even a little it will help - don't worry about getting it all said at once, or having to repeat stuff, even tiny tiny bits, over and over and over and over, until you feel it's safe to do more. As you remember, the reality of what you are reembering will hit home and that's when it gets hard, so maybe you need to just do very small manageable bits so it doesn't get too overwhelming.

Hang in there, it does feel like it gets worse before it gets better, but in the long run I hope you will find some peace,

((((PJ Girl)))

starfish

PG,
You can do quotes one of two ways.

When you're in the Post a Reply window there is a little row of buttons just above the area in which you're actually typing. The seventh button in from the left is a set of quote marks. Click on that button and set of brackets will appear. The first set has the word "QUOTE" in it and the second set had /QUOTE in it. Select the text you want to copy and hit Ctrl-C, then click back in the reply window after the ending bracket of the first QUOTE and before the beginning bracket of the ending /QUOTE. The cursor should be blinking to inidicate your position in the reply window. Click on ctrl-V to paste the copied text in place. Continue typing your post after the ending bracket on the \QUOTE.

As an alternative, you can just type the bracketed quote directly in the window. I would type it out for you but it would be parsed instead of displayed. But using the button a time or two will show you the correct syntax.

Forgive me if there was too much detail. I'm never sure about how much someone already knows so I tend to include EVERYTHING. Wasn't meant to be insulting. Let me know if this doesn't make sense.

AG

pg, sounds like you are in the 'there's no turning back' point. it is hell, i, myself, don't even recognize myself without all the defenses up, as ag said.

i'm not across the threshold yet, but i feel for you that some tough stuff came up before this break. makes you really wonder how and why that happens.

i do believe tho, that despite your not seeing your t for this time, some processing is going on in that mysterious inner being that is probably moving forward without you even realizing it. and, you will be at a more insightful spot.

i am so sorry for the misery of waiting, pg. i know that time is enormous...even a week sometimes is more than i can bear.

journal? i find that helpful. and, for me, prayer (and i have been not doing that like i was and i can tell a difference in my innerpeace) sometimes a trancelike prayer/meditation can calm my stuff and sometimes bring answers that my active mind could not find.

wishing you peace in the meantime!! jill

PG, hi.

Just wanted to say i read your poster and your story made impression on me. Your secret is too hard to bear alone PG. No wonder that you still hate this teacher, and espescially because what happened still seems to effect you and your relation with your mother. i undersand, really, that you find it very difficult to bring this up after all this time, with your mother. But i do also think that you deep down want to tell her, want her to know, and want to free yourself from that burden it MUST be to keep this terrible abuse,as a secret. Even though your fear for telling your mom is very understandable, it is still the "shame speaking" in you, the abused you that hesitate to let her know, i think. You deserve to recieve your mothers respons to this abuse, thats a big part of your healing from all this i would say. And even if your mother will be sad and hurt by this- its only the right response to the cruelty that was done against you. And i am sure she wont be mad at you - only glad that you finally managed to open up about it and showed her trust. The only one she would be mad at- as you- are against this teacher. The blame belongs to the teacher, not on you. You are the victim.

quote:

I can't tell my Mom now because she will go nuts. She wouldn't be mad at me but I know she would feel so bad that this happened and she would blame herself.
Now I am really stuck.

quote:

Maybe you can tell your mother exactly that?- that you wanted to talk to her about something for a long time- but are scared for her reaction? See whats comes up then...? i dunno, but my gut-feelin tells me that it would only be good for your relationship to tell, and that your mother WANTS to KNOW and to be included and to have the chance to give you all the support you need. And the sooner the better.

Hi PG,

I'm so sorry for what your teacher did to you. I am glad you have such a protective mother, but I can understand how that in itself would be enough to keep you from telling her. Perhaps, sometime in the future, you might decide to tell her when you feel a little more capable of handling an extreme response from her. Do you really think that she would do something as radical as hurting her? I'm not questioning your judgment, I'm just asking if you meant that literally. Maybe whenever, and if ever, you tell your mom, you can also tell her your fears about how she'll react.

I'm sorry if none of that helps any. Hang in there.

Hugs,
Kashley

PG- hi again,

ok, i hear you: you dont wanna talk to your mom about this. I understand. really. I dont mean to be pushy about this, or stress the meaning of telling her, last thing i want to is causing you more stress and pain.. You are the only one whom know what feels right and ok to do and not to do in this sitution.
I am glad to read that your mother is so great. I have a great mom as well, and i know some of the pain that accures when i cant bring myself to express hard stuff to her. I tend to wanna protect her as well. althoug, slowly i`ve learned that thats not a childs task.
so PG, just wanted again to offor my supprt in the situation you describes as being "stuck" and yet i do "stand correct" about what i said that i think in the very long run sharing this with your mother would be a part of your healing. But again: this is totally irrelavant if it doesnt seem to fit your feelings.

i wish you all the best Preppie Girl.

Hi PG - I hope this finds you in a better place. I understand your dilemma. I never told anyone until I was probably in my very late 20's - It has really destroyed my life. Eating me up everyday for all those years. I know you must have some of the same feelings. I'm sorry that you do.

It sounds like you have a very caring and loving mother. I wasn't so lucky. I'm sure she would probably hold you and say how sorry she is. However, it takes alot to tell someone, even someone who you know is safe. When you are ready you will tell, and if not, that's ok as long as you can deal with it in some other healthy way.

Wishing you Peace.

Smiley

Funny PG - no I don't know your mother. However I guess that's what I always thought a mom should be like. Hope your feeling a bit better today.

Smiley

I hope you are feeling better today too. ((((PG)))))