(((Athenacus)))

That doesn't sound like a tremendously helpful comment from your T there. It's your fault then is it? I mean, there is some use in running the thought that it is their behaviour, and kind of shrugging it off - but it is pretty difficult to actually not let people who are 'close' to you such as a partner (ex or otherwise) or parent get to you.

Can you tell your mother 'that's not very kind'?

I'm sorry I don't know your T history, so I dont know why you aren't seeing the former T that you are clearly attached to.

I do struggle with not letting others get to me. I've been practicing trying to depersonalize comments and behaviours. A friend seems to have withdrawn lately... now my 1st reaction is always to feel I did something wrong, it's all my fault, no one could like me... but I decided just to text her and say I was wondering if she was ok cos I'd not seen or heard from her lately. She replied and isn't ok (but no indication that it's my fault). Also at work things are pretty tough in my office. You need a thick skin (or at least to fake one) to survive in there - not ideal. However, it's their bad! If they want to gossip and rip one another appart behind each others backs, they are stupid. What they say when I leave the room is none of my buisiness. Ok on a good day, but scary when I feel vulnerable or low.

My mother is so difficult I cut contact. She says horrible things about me to get herself some false-sympathy. But that is always how she has been - it's not my fault. And I'm not a horrible person. It's her loss. However, it does get to me often and leaves me crying.

We can only do our best can't we?

sb

sb-Thank you for taking the time to type out a thoughtful response!


Thank you also for your examples. I'm sorry to hear that your workplace is gossipy like that.


A bit about my T history....I left my former T when my sessions covered by insurance ran out. Because my health plan didn't cover my certain T anymore due to some contracts, she had to do extra paperwork and I had to make extra phone calls to get an exemption. It worked for a year, but I didn't know if I wanted to go through all that again to try to get another exemption. I couldn't afford to pay former T's regular billing rate, so doing it without insurance would have been difficult. She probably would have been willing to work something else out if knowing money was one the issues. I didn't ask though. I think I was ashamed and pride got in the way.
Also, former T said that if I ever wanted to do my internship at her clinic, then I couldn't be a client there. I left with the hope of coming back as an intern. Well, just two weeks ago I found out I will be an intern at a different clinic instead.
My current T I see for free on my college campus. I have one more year (up to 14 session, I think) of seeing her, if I wish.

Well, I need to get myself on a walk before I get ready for the day.
Thank you again, sb!

How to not let people get to you?

I think it's about practice, practice, practice.

Some of the things I've tried:
-Notice what comes into your head just before you get upset over other people. Write down those thoughts, then come up with alternative thoughts and practice saying them to yourself. For example, instead of "This is ridiculous!" you could think "This is how this person is."

-If someone is mistreating you, set a limit right away. Ex: "Please don't talk to me in that way." Do it calmly but firmly.

-Imagine the other person inside a bubble of energy or light. Imagine that their negativity can't escape the bubble but that you can feel compassion for their suffering.

-Imagine that someone supportive is standing next to you, helping you to stay calm.

-If all else fails, take deep breaths and feel your feet on the floor.

BLT-
I think that is what my current T is trying to teach me. The "This is how this person is" is basically how she is telling me the people in my life are and how I need to deal with it is similar to the bubble thing you mentioned.

For example, the situation with my ex last evening, we had agreed on an exchange time for one of our kiddos who went to a sleepover when we talked on the phone. One hour later ex comes to the door and tries to change the agreed upon time. If this were a one time thing and a special circumstance, I might be willing to negotiate, BUT this is the way this person is and how he behaves on a regular basis. I needed to be firm and calm and restate our original agreement. That is extremely difficult for me as I am not used to doing that.
I used to shut down and withdraw or get extremely anxious and feel panicky or some sort of weird combination where the anxiety would start and the shut down would take over.
I think I'm improving, but yes, practice, practice, practice is the key!
Thank you BLT!

Hi Athenacus,

I have a bit of a different take on the experience that you are talking about. I don't think you can just "not let people get to you", I think it's about working through the feelings that these people evoke in you. I, personally, have never been able to think or talk my way out of the feelings that arise when I am hurt by people. My experience has been that I need to understand what is happening for me in that moment and process the feelings. If I can't process the feelings right then with them, because I am not ready or comfortable, then I will do it at another time or in therapy.

When I have sufficiently processed these feelings, over time, people start to bug me less and less. I am not triggered by them anymore. Once I am no longer triggered by them it is then possible to see who they are and what is going on for them that would make them act the way they do. I have more of an objective and detached perspective because I have processed my feelings. I would not be able to have compassion for them before I have done this work. I need to understand how they may or may not be replicating some type of abusive situation in my past, or how I may be projecting onto them some aspect of my past. By the way, in my case, my mother was the abuser so there's no projection going on, it's a real. I also eventually cut contact with my mother because she was much too abusive to have in my life.

That is how this has been for me.

Best,

Thank you for your perspective, DBS!

That is the way I thought I was going about dealing with people in my life. The part where you get to the understanding and they bother you less and less is the part I'm not at yet.
My ex husband is an abuser, but due to us having children together, I have to deal with him. By legal agreement I have to respond to his emails within 24 hours, which doesn't give me a whole lot of time to process (I'm also an introverted reflective thinker, so it takes some time).

As for my mother....she can be extremely negative and hurtful...sometimes without realizing it, I guess. She isn't that way all the time though. She has an abusive family background that I just found out about within the last two years. I can understand some of it (to a point), but it still feels painful when there are unsupportive and hurtful words said.
I live with my mother at the moment, so due to financial circumstances, I have to deal with her in some way. I think this is why current counselor is telling me that I just have to not let things get to me and just some how get to that understanding that it is just the way they are and it doesn't bother me. I'm trying. Sometimes I feel like I'm rushing this process though (whatever process it is). Difficult to explain.

I thank you all for giving me feedback!

I used to be extremely sensitive , but it got less painful when I got to know myself better and accepted both my good and bad features. If you know who and what you are, other people's opinions don't bother you so much. You believe in what you are.

Feeling equal to other people helps a lot. Their opinion is no better than mine, so doesn't affect me as having any special power over me. I think of everyone as a brother or sister and that brings us all onto the same level.
Not saying I've totally arrived. But I'm way better than a few years ago. And therapy helps too.

Hi from Australia

Just yesterday I wrote a couple of paragraph about dealing with relationships. This usually seems to be the most common reason clients come to see me for therapy. Although it might feel painful and unfair at times, those relationships we seem to have difficulty with are the ones who give us the signs that maybe we need to explore who we are and how we relate to others and even ourselves.

Relationships difficulties can leave you feeling many undesirable emotions including, loneliness, isolation, anxiety, anger, confusion, and sadness to name a few. Conflicts in your relationship can be a sign that things need to be re-evaluated and evolving from where we once were is necessary.

As a result of the isolation and confusion that relationship issues bring into our lives it is important to let a close person in with whom we can bounce back ideas. Venting can give us the opportunity to energize ourselves and thus bring about some clarity. With psychotherapy one can start to know oneself and develop the confidence needed to continue to attract and be attracted to people who can provide a safe and thriving environment and a space free of judgement to help us through the difficult times.
Basically, by getting in touch with yourself will make it clear to others how you want/ need the relationship to progress.

Hi Horizons,
Welcome to the forums. I just wanted to let you know that links to commercial sites are a violation of forum rules.

From Our Mission:

quote:

Links in your signature are okay, as long as they are to your personal site (so no commercial or community site links allowed in your email signature).

I clicked on the link and the site is advertising your counseling business. So if you intend to continue posting, could you please edit your post and remove the link? If you are unsure how to, you can contact one of the moderators, True North or Room2Grow by PM and they can do so for you.

AG

Hi
thanks for your feedback and apologize for the error on my part.