FFOTW,

I know that in therapy it can often seem like our T's are perfect and have everything together. I would like to challenge this though and ask if you really believe that in her life outside of the therapy room that your T always lives up to her own ideals and morals and never makes mistakes? I'm willing to bet she makes mistakes and feels as though she isn't getting it all right at times. In the therapy room, the way things are structured can often make it seem like the T is this infallible almost non-human paramount of perfection, but I assure you that it isn't the case.

I do feel like my T does live her life with thought and compassion and I believe she is a genuinely caring and nice person. However, I also see her as very human and as someone who has gone through life's battles just like everyone else. Some are old and some are ongoing. She is human and that is life.

I'm not saying you are wrong for feeling this way at all and I hope it didn't come off that way. I'm just trying to ease some of the burden that you seem to be carrying because I think you might find the T in your head is much more perfect than your T who does life.

I think T's are human just like the rest of us. I really try not to compare myself to my T. I think he is knowledgeable, kind, insightful and disciplined but he is not infallible. He has had some advantages that I did not have. But remember, many Ts become Ts because they have suffered like we have and have their own issues. Hopefully this has been dealt with through their own therapy and no longer impacts them or their work with us.

It sounds like you idealize your T and this causes you to feel like a failure. I see my T more realistically and acknowledge his flaws and imperfections, which helps me to feel like less of a failure myself.

TN

Thanks for replys, yes I do idolise her, even though I do have negative transferences from time too time. I sometimes wish she would show me where in her life she is less then perfect, but I don't think that will happen, the closest shes ever come to telling me she isn't what I believe her to be is when she once said that I thihnk she has nothing but good thoughts about people every minute of the day, but I do know she does a lot for certain causes she believes in and in that dept I do ziltch.

Hi Freud- as a fellow idolizer of my T I can sympathize with those feelings. I think when we are dealing with a lot of pain, and are in therapy for those problems the T can seem so much more together than we are and it can almost exaggerate our sense of failure at times- but that is not the purpose of the therapy, of course. So tell your T about your feelings of idealizing her, and how infallible and perfect she seems to you, and that you want to be more like her- all of it, that is the reason for your therapy, to discover yourself and to grow, and to gradually as you are able, let go of those fantasies- when you share those feelings they will be great fodder for her to help you grow. When I share those feelings with my T- he constantly reminds me that he is not perfect, makes mistakes, can't "fix" me, and doesn't act perfect. (Well I still don't beleive that- but I'll get there and so will you!)

BB

I sometimes feel this way toward T, because he offers me so much care. He is always saying the the selfish, hurtful things inside me that I shame myself over are completely normal and human, but for some reason, I can never hear that he gets included in that humanity. Yesterday, he admitted something about how he used to feel about clients intruding in his off hours (I knew it!!!). In this case, he was relating it to how he has discovered that he can now have that care and love to offer to his clients (as he does with me), because he is not depending on it to be "within him" to give. In my T's case, he is depending on God. He has broken, human feelings, and being further along in the journey than I am, can accept them without shame and allow himself to be filled with compassion for others. I keep wanting there to be some pure, perfect core deep down, but the reality is that none of us have that. The best of us have the ability to accept themselves without shame and so extend their love and acceptance to others without blame. Or, that is how I am trying not to freak out that T doesn't want to hear from me.

Yeah I don't know why I've never had this conversation with T

Thinking about it perhaps its part of my programming from childhood, where I HAD TO idolise a less then perfect, well very much less them perfect caregiver, now I am desperate to have that someone whose safe to look up to and idolise, but yeah I will have to talk about this, coz well, its just not reality really, but she is a pretty nice humanbeing, which is probs just normal on a scale of 1-10 to but when you lived with -10 everything above that seems so wonderful.

I think she is probably exceptional in many ways, and that you can see that, and it makes you feel safe in her care. That is positive, and helpful for you in building trust, I would think.

quote:

Yeah I don't know why I've never had this conversation with T Frowner

If it were me, Freud, the reason would be that...*it's a really scary and vulnerable conversation to have.! * But it will move your therapy along if you make yourself do it, I'll betcha. and I'll betcha she'll be proud of you for bringing it up.

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a *****y caregiver.

Thanks BB, Yes I think I will bring this up in my next session, I think the reason Its come up for me at this point, is because I was talking about another area of my life where I tend to give my power away to someone. Its made me more aware of this now and all sorts of incidents are coming to the fore front now.

Guess it comes down to not having good enougth sense of self worth, a learnt behaviour.

Unfortunately, this didnt come up in my next session, it appears my subconscious wanted to deal with another issue, so we did and very satisfying that turned out to be, even though it took be completely by surprise, but thats psychoanalytic therapy for you.