PL,OW,JM:
I have felt so encouraged by reading these posts about your last moments with your mothers. I still don't feel all that comfortable giving details about mine on here, because of revealing my id, even though I'm sure it's not likely. But I had similar experience, even though my situation was a little different because it was so sudden. I won't go into it, but it really does help knowing you're not alone--you know--not the only one. thanks again for sharing. It has impacted more than you know. i hope all of you can/do have peace about the situation(s). Sounds like you do. I'm sure they all knew how much you love(d) them and that they understood that we knew they did the best they could and were much appreciated and now missed beyond articulation.

River:
I love reading your posts also-always. You always make so much sense to me--maybe because I usuually am feeling or have felt that way before, but I cannot put my thoughts/feelings into words like you seem to. I feel sometimes like I'm just repeating what others have said on here. But I, too, long for the security you described in your last post. I don't usually get that from my T though. I guess I hold back some because of the transference issue--I maybe edit my thoughts because I don't want him to think(know) I'm infatuated with him. That might mean rejection in some way. I work so hard to avoid that. Hey!! I might've had an aha moment right here on the forums! LOL!
Anyway, thanks for your posting. I hope your next session is exactly what YOU need!

quote:

My mom and I did get to spend a lot of time together when she was alive. In fact, there was a peticular store we used to go to and I could not step foot inside there for a long time after she died.

My mom and I also spent a lot of time together -- she was really my best friend. We went on trips together and/or with my family. She lived just a few blocks from us, so she was always around. I have a very hard time grocery shopping because I always took her in the last few years. I also can't go back to the church where I took her every week.

My mom was also very frugal -- probably because of growing up during the depression. Since she saved her money so well, I was able to purchase a house at the beach after her death. It is my remembrance of her because I know that she would have loved it so much. Many of the items in the house were hers and that gives me peace. I think it also helps that she was never physically there at the house, so I don't have memories of her there, to make me sad.

AJB
I'm glad that our posts have helped you. In fact, I am surprised that I was able to say so much, but ya know JM -- she egged me on.
Actually, this has been really helpful for me too and I agree that it is comforting to know that we all have similar experiences. It gets me out of the mindset that I'm the only person in the world who hurts so bad and that no one would understand. Everyone here really does understand and I'm am so thankful for that. (she says with tears rolling down her face)

Wouldn't it be nice to think that maybe our moms have found each other also, where ever they are.

PL

quote:

Wouldn't it be nice to think that maybe our moms have found each other also, where ever they are.

Somewhere telling stories about us?

Ok folks, if you hadn't caught on to my wicked sense of humor yet, you will now. How about a funny therapy/mom story to lighten the mood a little?

I know I already mentioned that my mom was a feisty little woman and stubborn as the day is long. You couldn't reason with her on anything once she made up her mind, which was pretty well set all the time. My T and I were talking about that one day sitting in her office and the lights flickered then the room went dark for maybe 10 seconds and the lights came back on. My T jokingly said maybe it was my mom trying to give her two cents. I said, "No, my mother would do more than flicker the lights if she had something to say!" I'm sure you had to be there but we laughed for quite a while about that.

Another time My T said something to the effect of me worrying about saying too much for fear that my mother was looking down from heaven. I just couldn't resist saying, "Heaven? You didn't know my mom, did you?" Of course we laughed on that too, but I think I surprised her with just how far I will go with my humor.

In case there are any doubts that's not what I really believe. And I'm confident she'd snicker at that herself and stick her tongue out at me.

JM

I miss my Mom. She has been gone for 13 years now and it still hurts. I guess the circumstances of her death will haunt me forever.

It was in August and my Dad was away and she wasn't feeling too well. I didn't really think too much of it as she was always ill. That afternoon I decided to go to my neighborhood bar where I hung out. As I was leaving she asked me to bring her some fish and chips home for dinner. Me being the selfish alcoholic that I am didn't get home till after 9:00 pm.

She was asleep by then and my dad was mad at me so I went downstairs to sleep. Around 6:00 am my dad is yelling at me to call the ambulance.
They pick her up and that was the last time I saw her coherent. She died at 5pm that night.

I was the only one in the room, as my dad had to leave as the died. I never got to say goodbye, and I live with the guilt of not getting her fish and chips.

Since then my life has pretty much fallen apart. I am still trying to put it back together, but it still haunts me.

I don't feel anything anymore..I know that she is around sometimes, but I wonder how she feels about me. I never told her I was gay, or really how much I loved her. I always wonder if she is disappointed with me.

Kats

Kats... I'm sorry for the pain you are living with since your mother's death. You should not think of yourself as a selfish alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease and you were suffering from a disease, you were not trying to be mean or selfish by coming home late. I think all of us suffer from regrets about the death of a loved one. I think part of therapy is learning how to forgive ourselves for not being perfect (no one is perfect we are just human) and learning how to let go of the regrets. Speaking as a mother myself, it would not matter if my child was gay or straight or upside down, the only thing that would matter was that he was my child and I would know that he loved me whether he actually said the words or not. Mothers just know those things. So please stop beating yourself up over that. If your mother is looking down at you now she is very proud that you are working so hard in therapy and have stopped drinking and are turning your life around. She is certainly not disappointed with you. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

TN

quote:

I never told her I was gay, or really how much I loved her. I always wonder if she is disappointed with me.

Kats
It is so hard when we have questions that can never be answered because the other person is not around to answer them. I was never able to tell my mom I loved her either because I was so afraid of showing my emotions. She wasn't any better at it either. When I say this to my T, she reminds me of all the things I did do for my mom. Then she asks me if I think my mom knew that I loved her. When I really think about it, I have to say yes.

I think that your mom would be so proud of how you are trying to get your life back together. I really do believe that their spirits are around us, and if we really pay attention, we will feel them. It might be a very small sign, but they are trying to let us know that all is ok. I hope you don't think that I am totally cracked (I have enough other things going on to be cracked about). I know that it gives me a little comfort to feel my mom around me because I miss her so much.

PL

quote:

I miss my Mom. She has been gone for 13 years now and it still hurts. I guess the circumstances of her death will haunt me forever.

(((Kats))) You’re holding such a huge grudge against yourself and I am sure that is something that your mother wouldn't want you to do. We all make mistakes in our lifetime and plenty of them that we regret deeply. But it’s when they become a barrier to our ability to forgive ourselves that it makes it impossible for us to ever find inner joy, peace, contentment, and happiness. So much could change for you if you can learn to let that go and quit measuring yourself by your mistakes. You're no less human than anyone else. And you could unearth a lot of things that probably create a lot of misery for you once you do. We are our own worst enemies when we hold such deep resentment that we never allow ourselves the opportunity to heal. If any one of us said anything about harboring such tremendous guilt, what would you say? I think you would see right through that and say that we don't deserve to do that to ourselves, right? You don't deserve that either.

Let me ask you a question, and it can be a rhetorical question: Was your mother perfect? Was she faultless? Do you think she regretted any mistakes she may have made in raising you? Would you want her to hold anything against herself? No, I'm sure you wouldn't. You know she likely did the very best she could within her circumstances she was given.

To hear you relate that last night that you went out and didn't bring her the fish and chips like she asked you, that is sort of what I meant that feels so colossal inside and when we carry it around like it's a big boulder instaed of the small pebble it really is. But exposing it the way that you did here and by talking openly about it to your T is a huge step in the direction to understanding that the act of not getting home sooner would not feel so bad if the circumstances of her death hadn't followed so closely. If your mother were still alive, would it even be an issue? Her dying is what you need to grieve. Not your mistake. What you did was not that bad. It _feels_ that bad, but it isn’t anything that every human doesn’t relate to in some way.

Your mother has _nothing_ to be disappointed in you for. Let me tell you something about a mother's love. I will tell you what I told my daughter when she broke my heart 4 years ago and had to carry the guilt for. Something I did not want her to do. She made a decision that I did not like and that I strongly protested. But she made her choice against my will and abruptly moved out in order to pursue it. Despite the hurt I felt, I did not want her to possess that sort of grief. What was done was done. So here is what I wrote to her: “There is no love like a mother’s love. No other love is so unconditional and so encompassing that it far surpasses any fault that could ever be made. There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you less. There is no hurt that cannot be overcome between us. This fact is true; no one will ever love you more deeply or unconditionally than I do. Until there is no more breath within me, I will keep on loving you.”

I had to step back and give my daughter room to make mistakes. A very difficult truth all parents eventually have to face. It was painful for me, but it is a natural process we all have to learn by eventually. And thankfully she did learn and worked to correct the circumstances she found herself in. I shudder to think if something had happened to me during that time that my darling child would have carried the burden of regret like that. May that never happen!

So while I’m not telling you that you have no reason to feel bad about what happened that last night of her life (we all would feel a measure of guilt), I am telling you it is nothing to hold against yourself. I am sure that it is symbolic of much deeper hurt and pain that you are suppressing and need to release. I know you can do this within the safety of your T whenever you are ready. I desire for you to free yourself from that unbearable yoke that you carry.

I hope all the support and love you find here helps you to see the need to move this mountain from before you. You deserve to be set free from it’s overwhelming shadow.

And let me say that I am sure that your mother would be so proud of you for overcoming so much, especially your alcoholism!!!

That has done alot to the chemistry in your brain that still needs to heal. The brain is amazing with its neuroplasticity that it can do just that in a such marvelous way.

My T uses one word with me alot lately..."self-acceptance." I'll leave you with that.
JM

Kats -

First of all, I think your mother would be very proud of you for all the hard work you are doing now.

Like JM said, if your mother hadn't passed away that night, you not bringing home dinner wouldn't seem nearly as important.

My last memory of my dad has left me with feelings of guilt, because he was drunk and I was trying to take advantage of him by making him take us shopping. I was pretty young, but I still feel bad about that night, despite all that he did to me (he sexually abused me and my sister). I know that in the scheme of things that night wasn't a big issue, but it seemed huge to me for years. See, it didn't matter that he wasn't perfect, I only saw my imperfection and dwelled on that. I still wish I would have handled things differently that night, but have been able to let go of the guilt. I'm sure no one would fault me for it, just like I'm sure no one would fault you for what you didn't do that night.

You were there with her in the room when she died. If you were really that selfish, you wouldn't even have bothered. Which is more important, not getting fish and chips, or being there with your mom?

I believe that our parents can see us now, and I think your mother is looking at you with pride.

OW

JM

I swear you should become a T. You have such a way of explaining things that makes so much sense to me. Maybe I'll get there someday. Or not.

PL