Hi bluesky!
i'm sorry that she didnt return the hug in the same way that you hugged her, which I think she should have done. there was nothing inappropriate about an emotional good bye hug and she should have taken her cues from you as to how to hug back. but maybe she was just a bit slow in doing that as she didn't expect it (you said that you weren't normaly emotionally expressive during therapy).

i can understand how it can make you feel but i hope that you are happy that you hugged her, this way you don't have any regrets - i think she might be the one who might have regrets.

puppet

Welcome bluesky

I am sorry that your former T did not return your hug, that is indeed very confusing considering she asked for the hug in the first place. Maybe she was holding back as she didn't want you to feel overwhelmed.

By taking your other hand she could have just been grounding you rather than feeling your hug was too much. I am glad though that you received some comfort whilst hugging her and hope that you can hold onto that.

Butterfly

I think perhaps she was allowing you to dontrol the intensity of the hug, just as we as clients are encouraged to do therapy at our own pace that feels comfortable.

Puppet, Butterfly, Deepfried and Ladygrey for your responses and understanding.

To answer Deepfried's questions.
After the termination appointment, I felt warmth and some good feeling from having the hug. I usually don't accept warmth feelings from others and I knew with the work that i had done with this T that I had to hold on to these warm feelings. I felt the hug removed any doubt i may have about the whether she cared for me in the course of therapy. It made me feel safe as well, and for some reason, I wonder if it was done early I may have progressed further in therapy. The hug kind of solidified our time together and what it meant to me. Just a note, the hug was not a quick one, I was allowed to hug her for awhile so that felt good also.

During the course of therapy with my former T I never imagine that i would ever hug her. I don't have any desire to hug any other professional and she was no different but something changed, i don't know what, perhaps emotional attachment.

Now that there has been some distance from the last appointment, I realised she didn't hug me back but she did offer her hand for a hug. This makes me feel I went to far with my hug and she may have felt uncomfortable. I also feel that it was somehow wrong of me to rub her back and hug her tight. I feel that she might have regreted in offering me a hug if she knew i was going to do what i did. This is out of character for me, i don't usually hug anyone nor do i hug to the degree that i did.

Hi bluesky,
Welcome to the forums! I just wanted to add a little to the discussion which is that most Ts are usually very careful about touch in therapy, even when it's an integral part of therapy as in somatic processing. Touch can be experienced in many different ways by different people and for people who have suffered a lot of trauma it is very easy for touch to either feel very threatening or to trigger them. I am wondering if your T offered the embrace because she wanted to give you that contact as part of the goodbye, but was holding herself in a posture that allowed you complete control over how close the hug was and how long it lasted. I really do not think you did anything wrong in hugging her as long as you did or by moving you hand on her back. Touch is a very important part of connection for humans (my T loves airports. He's always pointing out, just go to an airport and watch people saying goodbye and greeting each other and you'll see how important touch is. And that from a T who has a no hug policy!) I think it probably really meant a lot to your T to get that hug from you.

My first T did hug me when I asked and I still cherish our last hug when we said goodbye.

But if it continues to haunt you, would you be able to contact your old T and talk to her about it? It may by that your concern about this is pointing you to something it might help to look at.

AG

Hi Bluesky, welcome. I wrote a response yesterday but lost it - will try again.

I think AG is right on here. I also believe that your T may have let *you* hug *her* rather than taking it over with her own hug, precisely so you could feel your own warmth and lovingness, and feel it be safe. She invited your hug, she held your hand through it, she welcomed it. She didn't recoil or flinch away. If it didn't feel nice to her, you would have felt that in her posture and her muscle tension - instead you felt her warmth and welcome, which told you it felt nice to her, and it was okay to continue the hug and rub her back. The back rubbing is a really normal, instinctive thing to do in a loving hug. It feels nice for the receiver. When it felt like an okay time to end the hug, she did so gently, with continued contact - she didn't push you away, but held your hand so you could move to the next part of your conversation and parting.

I think your doubts about what you did are simply an old script trying to reassert itself - telling you that you are 'too much' or you did something wrong. On all the evidence you have, I wouldn't believe that old script. Bodies are smart: you can trust your original felt sense of the hug.

Take care,
Jones