Hello everyone,

I am in a very weird place in my life. I have done intensive therapy in the past but I stopped about a year ago. The therapist I was seeing back then is someone I had done therapy with for 6 years, and it just stopped being helpful or the right fit anymore. I needed something she couldn't do. I tried to find a new therapist, but it didn't work, despite many efforts. I haven't really done any regular outpatient therapy for the past year. I went through a very traumatic experience in January of this year. It culminated in two trials this past month that I testified in. In Feburary, I did find a counselor that saw me briefly and upon my request, reffered me to an intenstive inpatient PTSD treatment program out of state. I was inpatient for 29 days and it was really helpful. I was only going to go for two weeks. (I didn't even think I would stay for three days!) While I was there, my brand new therapist was told by my insurance to dump my care, they would find someone better fitted to my needs, and she did. The treatment facility was very upset and so was I. My insurance never did find anyone else, and we went to court about it and they were ordered by the judge to find the treatment I needed. They have not followed through. I could go back to court, but after having to go through the two trials that I testified in, and everyone finding out what was done to me, family and friends have come out of the woodwork offering to help pay for treatment.

I'm actually sort of ok right now... Sort of. I had a lot of non-therapy support to get through the past few months and it really deeply impacted me, along with the inpatient treatment I did in March. I hope to go back and do more treatment with the PTSD at the same place when life gets settled out. For now, I just want to stay steady. I actually feel better than I have in years. I finally feel like I am not in survival mode, battling my mind almost every second of the day. The only thing I can attribute this change to is the significant treatment I did in March and several very healing relationships that were formed to get through the trials.

I was also diagnosed with a serious autoimmune disease over the past 6 months, and was hospitalized for medical reasons related to it. About the same time that my mental health began to changes, so did my physical health. I was able to delay pretty intense treatment until after the trials, and I just started that intense medical treatment on Friday. I'm doing ok for now. It's rough, but emotionally, I'm pulling through it ok.

For some odd reason I'm scared I will sabatoge the positive progress in my life. Something is really disorienting about suddenly not being in survival mode anymore. This makes me want to go back into therapy ASAP. But I am very protective of the place I am in. I Have tried to find therapists, but I stopped about 4 months ago because it just was deeply triggering and it wasn't making is dramatically harder to get through the legal matters I WAS dealing with (oddly enough.) I'm scared to try again. I don't want to go backwards. Not right now.

But I have this strange and odd fear every day that I will sabatoge the new good place my life is in. It is the last thing I want to do...

I'm not sure how to find a therapist who could help me with this, or if I even should. I would very much welcome any ideas anyone might have.

Thank you for letting me share and post.

Lizzie