I can definately relate to what you are going through. My T jokingly calls me "poker face" because I could literally be having a meltdown or ready to erupt with rage and she wouldn't know it. I discussed my inability to experience or show emotion in front of T with her and how it relates to me fearing losing control in front of another person. I can't for the day when I finally feel safe enough to cry. I feel like I am getting there as the trust in the therapuetic relationship is growing.

Thank you for your responses! GG I have an amazing poker face. Not sure if it's helpful though in my therapy session. I have never even cried in front of my husband and we have been married over 15 years so I am not sure I could cry in front of therapist ever!

Pengs I am not sure where the feelings should come from. I had a session this week and I was extremely angry. I let T know I was angry and about the situation I was angry about but when he asked why this made me angry I couldn't answer. So then I started thinking I shouldn't be angry so then the shame started. I didn't tell him I was feeling shame though because it would have just made it worse.

He tried to tell me anger was ok and appropriate in that case but it was to late. This has been a major roadblock for me. If you ask me why I feel that way I immediately decide I shouldn't and why would I think that was ok to feel that way. But it is all in my head if you were looking at me you would never tell.

I want to be able to release those but I guess i think if I do I won't ever stop! Maybe I do need to keep working on building the trust. If I ever expressed why something was upsetting or angered me I was immediately belittled and told I wasn't allow to feel that. I guess I am so afraid he will do the same thing!

Does any of that make sense!?

I wasn't allowed to express any feeling either as a child (or preference, or anything really). Emotion was punishable. Other than keeping up a calm polite persona and being very very polite.

It's taken me a very long time to sometimes break through that. I still thank people who have hurt me, not for doing so... just like the last T, I sent a 'thank you' message via head office - didn't let out any emotion.

However, during that therapy I did sometimes get highly emotional - and I see that as BIG progress. I've always been able to write in an emotional way - express myself on paper. It's the being seen, being vulnerable, being 'needy' that scares me - surely everyone would poor scorn and shame on, just like my mother. Or I'll get hit? It's reflex, not choice isn't it? But lots of time and some safe situations eventually help us break through this problem.

sb

CE,
to the forum, I haven't "spoken" with you before. I seriously struggled with learning to express my feelings in therapy but have moved lightyears. I was really scared of my feelings because I so overwhelmed by them as a child AND the vulnerability of allowing another person to see me (which again, as a child, I had learned was really dangerous) stopped me in my tracks. So basically it was a battle at each session to recognize how scared I was but try to let a bit out anyway.

There are a couple of posts on my blog you might find helpful:

Therapy Lesson #6: Say how you feel anyway

The Parodox of Shame - Part I

My core of shame

AG

Wow thanks everyone!

AG I think I got lost on your blog reading for the last hour or so. How amazing you can speak all of that. At least on your blog. I have written everything in my journal about the last session. Maybe I should just bring that with me to the next one. I don't know if I could have him read it or if I can even read it out loud. Do y'all let your T read or do you read it to them?