((((((AUTUMN))))))

Is she due to come back soon? I'm so sorry you are struggling so much with her illness. I don't have anything constructive to say except that I go through similar periods with my T and think I need to quit and just end it now because it's going to end someday anyway. But I never do. I ride those times out and hope that it will all work itself out in the end.

((((((HUGS))))))

Liese

Hi Autumn,

I am very touched by your story... and I totally appreciate the difficulty of your situation. All I can say is that it's not wrong for you to do what's best for you. I would strive to figure out what your needs are, and work from there, before trying to think of what's overwhelming for her, what might cause her pain, or what she might be triggered by. Easier said than done, I know especially in these extenuating circumstances, and given that you have come to care for her so much.

I wish you the best in figuring this out... it doesn't sound easy.

effed

((((Autumn))))

I know it feels impossible and overwhelming, even moreso since you had a therapist leave because of health problems. But the fear will not go away until you face it. You've had a good working relationship for three years; that's a very significant relationship. From everyting you have described of your T, she is an excellent, caring woman who understands your attachment and the intensity of it. You need to see her and tell her what you have written here. That you fear being too much when she is struggling with health problems.

I don't believe you will be too much and it is her responsibility to take care of her own needs so that you don't have to worry about them. But even in a worst case scenario, that she would need to withdrawn from practicing, she can still help you with the feelings that you are having about that, give you a chance to express and have heard your fear, your anger, your hurt and anything else that you feel.

The sad truth is that we are all human and no matter how much we care and love someone, we will fail them and hurt them. I spent years, decades even, hunting for that perfect relationship in which I would never be hurt, for then at last I would be "safe." But it doesn't exist. When we're little, when disruptions happen, when our caregivers are misattuned and we are hurt or angry or scared, there is supposed to be immediate repair. A restoration of attunement and someone there to help us handle the feelings the disruption caused. When this happens consistently, we learn that even though we may be hurt sometimes, we are still safe and that the relationship is a good one. If we experienced prolonged abuse or neglect as children, we NEVER learned that. So disruptions are instead interpreted as a sign that we are in grave danger and about to be severely hurt and that our only choice is retreat. But this leaves us with a very difficult problem which is we still have needs that have to be met by other people.

The only way to learn that you are safe is for you to learn that yes, you can be hurt, but that the connection will also supply you with what you need to heal that hurt. In other words, pain is not a part of love, pain is an unavoidable part of life and love is the answer to that pain. I know it's scary and it feels like you will be overwhelmed, but you won't be, You've already survived worse things. Do not let your fear of experiencing pain deprive you of all the warmth and joy of the connection.

AG

Thanks Liese, effed & AG. I appreciate your support and perspectives.

This has pretty much been on my mind non-stop. Geez, I wish I had some other sort of life. It seems as though it has taken over my life in epic proportions.

It will probably be another couple of weeks before my T returns. In thinking about it, I am coming to the decision that I will need to work my way back to therapy in stages. I don't want to drop the relationship but I can't simply make an appointment and go and talk with her as it will be too painful for me to effectively cope with. I fear that it would be difficult for my T to assist me in containing or expressing my feelings and I will end up spiraling out of control after the session. So I have come to the conclusion that for my own safety, I will see if she will be agreeable to resuming our work initially via e-mail. After that feels safe enough, I will move to phone sessions... then skype sessions... then back to her office meeting in the play room... then her regular office. I think that would have to be the way that I'd have to approach it. I have no idea how long it would take for me to get back to regular sessions. I'm not in any rush. I just want to feel safe and contained.

I'll just have to see where this all leads. I don't know that my trust could ever be fully restored given that she has a chronic illness. The reality of the situation it seems to me is that I will always be at risk of losing her and even morso if my own stuff stresses her out too much. It really rocks my sense of security. I'm not so much fearful that she will leave her practice as I am fearful that she will simply drop her clients (which I believe is primarly me), that need the most from her - this was my previous experience. I will express my concerns in writing to her when she returns to her office and we begin our e-mail correspondence. I guess I will see where it goes from there. It will be very hard I presume but I think I am committed to trying to work through this in a way that feels comfortable and safe for me.

((((AUTUMN))))

That sounds like a reasonable way to approach things when you resume your sessions. You are truly in a very difficult situation.

HUGS,

Liese