Not sure how to tell my T...

gazelleMember

Hi

I have been lurking for awhile and love this site and community. Even though I have only been reading for awhile, I have gained much by reading threads here. You all are so brave, and have so much insight and courage for one another. I have a really tough thing I am struggling with and I am scared to ask about it. But I’ve hit a wall in my therapy and I don’t know what to do.

This post may be too specific and could be triggering (?) for anyone struggling with a bad therapy experience, and/or it may be too vague to make any sense. I’m going to give it a try anyhow.

About 5 years ago, I was hurt by a T, very badly. I stopped any attempt to get therapy until about a year ago. I am seeing a great T, and I like her and feel ok with her (not something I feel with most people) and yet it also seems like I keep ending up stuck at this same “wall” I put up with her. I put it up partly because of what happened with the awful T. I am very afraid it will happen again, even when I know intellectually that it is very unlikely for it to ever happen again.

I don’t know if I should tell my current T about what the awful T did or not. When I started to look into therapy again about a year ago, I really struggled to find any T willing to treat me. When any T asked about history, I’d clam up, and it was very noticeable. I broke down with one T and told them during the first appointment what happened with the awful T, and they flipped and said they could not handle someone who had been through that kind of experience.

Therapy works ok if I don’t tell any T what happened. But when they find out, then I am too damaged to treat. I can understand. I don’t know how a T can help me get over the criminal actions of another T when just the fact that they are a T is triggering.

Do I tell my T I saw a T once who did criminal things and it affects me now in trying to trust her? The awful T is in prison, there is no concerns to need to tell anyone to protect anyone. It feels so hopeless and like no one out there could ever help me with this. I hate me and I am struggling so much to trust my T and I keep hitting up against the same wall inside in trying to talk to her, and every single time, I am thinking of what that awful person did. She had no idea.

When I think of telling her, I can imagine two things happening. I know there are other possible outcomes, but this is all I can really believe would happen:

1.) She ends the therapy in one way or another. I’m devastated and all the messages of shame I have been fighting for so long just have more evidence to back up that I’m too broken to be helped.

2.) She is accepting of it and also feels like she can still handle me and help me. I’m not actually sure how I would react to that. I’m scared I’d freak out. I just imagine that possibility right now of her still continuing therapy with me, and I feel intense feelings towards here that I think are probably transference. (Are they?) I'm not I can handle them. I want someone to stay and tell me it’s ok and that I can still keep doing the therapy work I have been doing. I want this SO badly. Just the hint that it could be possible stirs up feelings towards anyone who would be that way with me. I’m not sure what the feelings are – almost like love, but not quite. (Oh dear, I hope I haven’t said too much just in this post.)

I am so scared to tell her and have her leave me and/or say this would be too difficult to treat. I don’t think I could take that kind of pain again. It seems better to stay silent and keep the relationship, because it has been so helpful even despite running into this wall inside in trying to go deeper. Yet I don’t know of any way to get past the wall I keep running into, and I want this pain to end. Is there any other way?

I'm not even sure how to tell my T of this, even if I was to find the courage. Any suggestions?

Thanks for letting me post this and for reading.

gazelle

1/17/111:34 PM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

Hi Gazelle,
I'm glad you've chosen to come out of lurkdom, welcome to the forums!

May I say first off that I am so sorry you had to experience that kind of wounding from a person in such a position of trust. That would be enough of an issue to send you to therapy even if you weren't already there.

I do believe you should talk to your present T about this because she has no idea what some of the real issues are you're trying to work on. And I think your experience of a betrayal on such a deep level is interfering with your ability to actual trust your T on a "gut" level, no matter what your intellect is saying. Any reasonable person would be having trouble trusting after what you went through. But for some people, especially those dealing with longer term, deeper issues, you have to trust your T to do the work. I think the "wall" your talking about hitting is just this issue. So whether you lose the relationship through telling or don't tell and can't get anywhere, you're in the same position of not being able to get better.

I am also sorry that you subsequently ran into other bad therapists who acted like you, who were the victim, were responsible for what happened and were now somehow "untouchable." Way to help reduce that shame. They were also not a shining example of the profession. But the truth is, there are a lot of good therapists out there and there are even therapists who specialize in treating patients who have been injured by other therapists. I think TNs present T is one of those.

And since you asked for suggestions...

I think a good way to approach this understandably terrifying disclosure would be to tell your T that there is something you want to tell her about that has gotten you sent away int the past so it's scary to talk about. You could also ask her if she would be willing to help you find someone to work with if she feels she is not capable of dealing with the issue. Kind of the third option. And I don't mean that from a "you're obviously impossible to work with" point of view, I mean that from a "I don't feel like I have expertise to help you" point of view.

I'm glad you're speaking here, you deserve to be heard about this, and you deserve to heal from it. The only thing undeserved is the sense of shame you are carrying. And I do believe with the right therapist it's possible. If a therapist can help us heal from long term injury from our parents (which I have experienced) then they can handle helping with damage caused by another therapist.

AG

1/17/112:09 PM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

Gazelle,
Sorry one more thing, I knew there was something I didn't cover. The intense feelings you're having about someone being able to be there for you, accept you, and understand you are perfectly normal. If you've never had that of course it would be intensely welcome when you find it. I know it was for me. I love my therapist very deeply (and have told you so) and one of the reasons was that with him I finally knew the meaning of home. If we never know what it is to be accepted this way, then we have unmet needs in this area that are from a time when we very young so they have a life and death intensity. That's why the feelings are so strong.

AG

1/17/113:02 PM

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ladygreyMember

Hey Gazelle,

welcome to the forums!

I think you really need to tell your T what happened. Sure, you risk the possibility that she will freak out and not be able to handle it, but I think its a risk that is necessary to take if you are going to continue to work with her. Until this is out in the open, that wall you've built is going to keep you two from getting to the real work.

Perhaps you can write her a letter telling her what happened as well as your fears of how she will react. Give her some time to process it and then sit down and talk with her about how she is feeling about continuing to work with you.

I have a feeling that she will be very supportive, but in the event that she is not, it is better to find this out now so that you can move on and find a therapist who is capable of working with you.

1/17/113:25 PM

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pandoraMember

Hi Gazelle
Welcome to the forum. I am really sorry that you had such a negative and damaging experience with your old T, therapy is difficult enough but after going through something so traumatic it must be terrifying and far more complicated.

It is always hard to voice an opinion on a forum like this without knowing any of the people or circumstances involved but i agree that it is something that you need to talk about with someone and i can think of no better person than your current T. One thing that might help is the fact that you have been working with her for a year already and so you have a relationship that will hopefully be strong enough to contain whatever comes up.

The other thing is that the 2 options you have put down are both at the extreme end of the continuum, you might find that there are a whole lot of not so specific respones that could be life changing for you.

If it was me, i would try my utmost to bring it up in whatever way i could, and like AG suggested to try and discuss telling her about it before you actually do it. It might give you a feel for the situation and help you make a decision that is in your best interests and for your own healing.

I am horrifed at the responses of the other T's you tried to see and will hope and pray that this T is able to give you the space and reassurance you need to be able to leave this devastating experience behind and heal from it.

Pan

1/18/112:08 AM

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frogMember

Hi Gazelle,

so nice that you came out of lurkdom- WELCOME!
i am glad to see you have got support here already. I just wanted to add my sympathy and say i am really sorry to hear what was done to you by your previous T. Thats awful. It was NOT your fault, no matter what you may feel. I am glad to hear that you have found a T now, that you feel positive about. I would strongly encourrage you to speak to your current T about this, Gazelle! - If she`s a good T (which i assume she is) she will only be very understanding and help you to work on the truama you experienced. You deserve only sympathy and respect and help. Of course you`re afraid of telling her, since you had such bad experiences with those other T`s before. I am sorry for that as well. Thats was not the way they should have responded to you. I strongly doubt she will end your therapy, if you tell her! After all therapy are meant to be for working trhough such problems- huge ones and smaller ones.

Dont worry, everything you written here are very welcome, and sounds very normal and the love you are feeling for your T are a very healthy sign. Your fears that are being stirred up now that you are attaching your T are also very understandable hence to what was done to you.
I am glad you reached out here, keep posting if you have furhter questions or something. Let us know what you`re thinking.

All the best to you,

1/18/112:41 AM

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cncMember

HI Gazelle,

Welcome to the board.

I am at the end of my rope today so my reply is going to be short and sweet, and mostly questions for you to think about in terms of helping you find a solution. I apologize in advance. You deserve more, today i can't give it. I am sorry. But i really felt i needed to reply.

1. Can you ....talk about the incident without revealing it was a therapist that hurt you so much? even if it was just for a bit?

2. Can you ......tell her that there is something big that you haven't told her because of how other therapists have reacted in the past? .....Maybe start by talking about how other therapists have reacted and how that made you feel? ......Tell her about the process of finding her. ......Tell her that that you don't think you can deal with another termination or abandonment. On the other hand you should be prepared that if she can't deal with the issue professionally that she might ask you to do dual therapy (having two therapists)her and another who is specialized in dealing with your past therapy issue. That way she helps you through this while not risking hurting you more. She could help you find someone, and if you can trust her, would her referral make it easier? Maybe she could come to the first session with you? As i understand it therapists are required to only help people they are qualified to help. (think of it as a motto of i will not harm my client, by getting in over my head)(does this make sense? if not tell me and i will write more, tomorrow) As an added bonus maybe you could ask her to find the therapist for you? She could talk to them a bit and give them a bit of background and maybe she could only give you the names of therapists willing to help you in this tricky area, saving you more heartache and abandonment issues?

3. Can you tell her that you don't need help dealing with the issue itself, more that you need to tell her because it is hurting your ability to trust her?

4. can you tell her that you were seriously hurt in therapy in the past and that the therapist is serving time because of it, without getting into details and you realize that this is a wall that is preventing you from getting further in therapy. You have hit a trust wall and you don't know how to get around it.

5. have you talked about transference? Do you talk about how you are feeling about her? this can be really useful i find. Maybe start by talking about your feelings for her for a few sessions and then move onto the more serious issue.

6. last thing, for me when trying to tell my therapist something really hard, i find the easiest thing is to just blurt it out at the beginning of a session before anything gets started and i lose my nerves. Even just entering the room and saying "there is something that i have felt i needed to tell you for weeks now and it is really hard but somehow we need to get this out today." it kind of gives them a heads up, but also sets the stage for you and makes it just a bit easier. But that is just me......

I hope this was helpful,

HUGS

Catnip

1/18/119:41 PM

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meghanMember

Could you start by saying something like "There's something I want to tell you, but I'm afraid to speak about it because other therapists have reacted poorly in the past"

That could be one way to start. Even if you don't tell her that day, at least it starts the conversation. Also, it gives her a bit of time to let the info sink in. She won't be completely blind sighted by the news.

It sounds like you've built a relationship with this person and she should be accepting of all of you. I know how hard it is to trust anyone. Start with tiny steps and small bits of information. Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

2/26/116:28 AM

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