I have been reading posts far more than I have been posting lately... its actually been so painful to post and to reply to others as I find so many experiences of others very triggering for me now. I feel badly about seeking support with little to offer, though here I am again... probably with a ton to read through given that its really been backing up. Sorry for the length.

My therapist has been out of the office and on medical leave since January (she has a chronic illness)... her absence has been tremendously difficult for me.... triggering MAJOR abandonment issues. Anyway in my current T's absence I have been seeing her colleague whom she shares an office with. My T actually supervises this colleague, so T is regularly updated on my progress. I have also been in contact with my T as I send her an e-mail once a week with healing cheer. In my messages to her, I never include anything personal, I simply let her know that I continue to think about her and send her healing energy. So, she pretty much replies to me every week on the day that I send the message to thank me for the get well messages. This small exchange has felt very vital to me in having a sense that there is some connection that remains between us.

So recently things have changed in three significant ways that are impacting me significantly:

1. Back in February, I was encouraged by my substitute T to drop my T a small e-mail, sharing just a bit about how I was feeling around her absence... being that my Sub T - spoke with my T on a regular basis, I figured that sub T was probably in a pretty good position to make that call... assessing that my T was in a place where she would be open to hearing it and would be able to easy my anxiety just a bit around her absence. So with some reservation, I wrote my T a brief email. My T wrote me back and said that she received my e-mail and that she'd stated that she'd get back to me 'soon', even if it was not on the same day. Well I NEVER heard from T again around that topic... I would have felt sad but would have totally understood if she'd replied and said something along the lines of ... I understand your fear/anxiety but am not in a place where I can reply now please continue to check-in with sub T around it... simply stating that she couldn't reply would have been so much more than her telling me that she was going to reply and never replying. I continued with my regular Monday morning healing cheer e-mails and it was never mentioned again. So this has really hurt me.

2. My T hears from sub T, eight weeks into this ordeal that I have relapsed (si) for the first time since her absence. So T responds to me directly via e-mail in such a manner that I took as very attacking and I felt livid for an entire week. I felt that she'd never acknowledged how hard I'd been working and had been successful in taking care of myself... and now she wants to comment on my si. I was enraged. So I speak with sub T around it and she points out that maybe how I read her e-mail may have not been in fact what my T had been intending to communicate. She again encouraged me to write to T (this has all happened this week) to get some clarification on her intention of sending the e-mail to me. So me, feeling weary and timid around my lack of response from my e-mail in February, I still decide that maybe this is a good idea, I can be short and sweet, and simply ask my T what she was intending to communicate in her e-mail commenting on my relapse because I may have misread her e-mail out of context. Again, my T has not responded and I think she won't respond. So again, I feel really badly and really hurt but have finally learned my lesson... I should not listen to sub T's suggestions, even though she is in regular contact with T and they discuss me... apparently, T does not communicate to sub T that she does not want to have to address any issues with me (now of course this totally makes sense given that T is on medical leave). I'd only sent the e-mail because I thought it was okay and that T would be receptive based on what sub T had been communicating to me.

3. I think I like subT more than I like T... maybe like is not a good word. I think it would be more accurate for me to say that I think that I can work better with sub T around my trauma issues than with T. I've only worked with sub T for 9-10 weeks or so, but in this period she has offered me more consistency and reliability and containment than my current T has offered in the last 2.5 yrs of working with her. Apart from these incidences that have occured, I feel that sub T's word is solid... if she tells me she is going to do something I can count on her to be good by her word (this has historically not been the case with T). Also sub T is far more consistent and clearer in her communication than T. Even though I absolutely adore and am attached to T (but not securely), I recognize that she cannot/does not provide me with the safety that I need to work on deeper issues. She's fabulous for lighter issues. So I am in a bit of a quandary of how to deal with this. Any ideas?

If you've gotten through reading this far... thanks for hearing me out. I know it was long.