quote:

The truth is, I don't want to trust him. I don't want to let him into my heart. I don't want anything from him except to deal with the sh** from my childhood. Deal with it and move on. That's it.

I want to maintain my autonomy and not compromise myself by trusting him.

Hi TAS,

Usually an increase in the # of sessions also ups the transference. So in your case it could be that the lack of trust and the results of that are being amplified by increased contact. If your T feels that the therapy is making it worse (which I think no T wants to dysregulate their client MORE) I think that is why he may have suggested a less aggressive approach, for now. A lot of the 'work' in therapy is done outside of the session, IMHO.

I quoted the above because I've said that before, to my T and here and during that time I did see my T once a week. It wasn't until we were trying to move closer that we saw each other more. We were going through a cycle of about 2-3 good sessions then it would fall apart, over and over and over (my T is the one who pointed this out). Once we started going to 2x a week sessions I felt that things vastly improved. I feel like things are more fluid and consistent. I know my T does 2x a week for heavy processing stuff and I'm not necessarily sure we are processing I know we're doing a LOT of trust building but that doesn't distress me. I'm okay with the moving closer for the most part but for some people (and at the beginning for my therapy) the reaction is so strong and so resistant that it actually is counter productive.

Anyway, that's just my theory on it. I really hope you'll go to your Wednesday session and talk to your T - even if to express how angry you are that you feel there is no choice in the decision. Maybe discussing it more will help you both come to something that will work. For a bit I saw my T once a week one week, then twice a week the next. That worked out well too. Recently I've been asking my T her thoughts on the 2x a week and she won't say much I'm not sure if not to trigger me... I'm constantly paranoid we aren't doing enough "work". Not sure if you're feeling that too if you go less.

((TAS))

How can he prevent you from quitting? Just do not go. It may or may not be useful for you to go one last time, but I am extremely leery of therapists who say you may not quit. The therapist does not get to decide whether you go or not. Only you can decide whether you want to keep dealing with him. You do not need his permission to quit.

((((TAS)))))

Trust is difficult for me too. I used to have a very hard time trusting my Ts at all...

It's not good that he didn't respect your no. He may have good reason to encourage you to come and talk through it more, but that should come with him respecting your freedom to quit. Invading your boundary like that is not helpful, especially when he knows you are struggling to trust him!

It sounds like his decision to decrease frequency has increased your struggle to trust him, is that right? It sound slike it was pretty unilateral...? Maybe he wants to talk about it more so he can explain why he has made that decision - and maybe that's why he is psuhing you to come in (albeit in a bad way)? I have found at times that I need to decrease sessions in order to make the process easier. It's hard to do, because there is more space in between the sessions, but yet it can actually help me have an easier time with the process too. There are other times where I need to increase the frequency to make the process easier too. It's varied for me. My T and I sort of navigate that together, granted with a bit of trial and error.

As far as talking with him about trust, I have read in many places that the biggest single factor in healing in therapy is the theraputic relationship. I have found that it is most helpful and healing for myself to talk about my past stuff when I feel safe with my T. I not only process through past stuff, but also experience something new - someone who is there and steady and safe. I learned in childhood it was not safe. For me, part of healing is having corrective emotional experiences like described here: http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=9

When I have tried working through stuff with a T I didn't trust, I just kept feeling worse, even when I risked more, and even when I tried to do more work on my own... With that T, I tried to do more therapy, and yet somehow, the more we did, the worse it all went for me. It took me awhile to realize it wasn't about frequency, but the fact that I didn't trust her. In that process, she got demanding and kept making all the decisions about frequency in one sided ways, and it all self destructed. With my old T, we would just talk about how I didn't trust her and should deal with it.

Sometimes my T now and I will talk about what I need to trust her more, things in the therapy that are making it hard for me to trust her, and why I learned it's too risky to trust people in general. Those conversations can be really hard, but also deeply healing.

A big part of me being able to trust my T is that she lets me talk about things when I am ready. If I am not ready to even talk to her about my distrust of her, she lets me have the space. She also will gently encourage me to come back, when I am ready - but always gives me the freedom to take breaks and quit.

I could be really off on this next part (or all of my response!) so take it with a lot of salt. Trusting your T shouldn't be a situation where you feel like you are giving up power, and yet by what you write, it sounds like you feel that way. Your T sounds like he is very much making the decisions in the therapy, and I get the sense from you that you want more of a sense of control, choice, and to be HEARD. I bet if you felt like you had more of that, you would feel safer to risk to trust him.

Your T might be persistent on talking about trust because he knows it is an important thing in therapy, and really doesn't want you to give up on the good work you are doing. It does sound like he cares... He should also be going about it in a better way that would help earn your trust too - not just decreasing sessions, and then also not letting you quit. Have there been other things that he has asked you to do that have felt hard to trust him with?

I think it would be important, if/when you are ready, to talk to your T about why you are struggling to trust him. It isn't your fault you are. If you want to try it on your own, and not do therapy, then that's ok too. But maybe you have done a lot of work on your own...? Maybe that's why your T doesn't want you to run and quit? No one should have to work through hard things all alone. It sounds like he wants to walk through them with you, without making things harder too. And yet, if he is persistently not respecting your boundaries, that's a problem... But, you said he's also been kind and patient...

Maybe you do need a break. There have been times where I have taken a week or two off from therapy to think it over on my own, with some distance from my T. I have flat out quit all together too - twice. My T let me do so each time, knowing that for me, respecting that boundary and freedom was a part of being trustworthy to me. She also told me to come back, when I was ready.

I hope you do go back, at least one last time, before you quit all together.

I dunno - just some thoughts.

~ jane

((((TAS))))

CAT made some good points about the intensity being too much. I used to see my T only every other week for a long time and wouldn't have been able to handle seeing him more. I think I had serious engulfment fears and also fears of being seen.

Do you have an idea as to why it's been overwhelming for you?

I know T's aren't supposed to tell their clients to stay or to go but IDK, there is something warm about him saying you can't quit. Like he wants to keep you safe or something. Like the kid who threatens to run away from home. Maybe I'm just projecting my stuff. You have to do what's best for you.

Liese

TAS - I'm sorry that things with T are distressing. Sometimes Ts will recommend scaling back if they think it will be helpful. My T has seemed to trust my intuition and advice of observing parts on what will work best for me. I found that my anxiety was highest with fewer sessions and it was hard for me to use the ones I had, because I was always in freeze mode...but, once we started doing more frequent sessions, stuff started surfacing so quickly that it was overwhelming in a different way. As Liese said, it might help to sort out what exactly has been overwhelming.

There is something warm about the I won't let you quit statements, but they are dangerous in my case, because powerlessness like that is a huge trigger and I shut down in response to it. My T always expresses that he can't really keep me (either in the room during a session unless I am actually unsafe or in therapy altogether). At the same time, he will say he thinks it's a bad idea, or that pushing through this together would be best, healing even. In the end, while I have pushed out at the end of sessions without letting things settle, I have always been able to wait through those quitting/running feelings in the middle of sessions, thus far. I think a lot of that is knowing that I CAN whenever I want, but at the same time, my T wants what is best for me. I think it would be good to tell your T how it feels for him to tell you that you have to show up. It may just be a tactic that works with some clients and not others. In my case, knowing my T really wants me to show up, but it is ultimately my decision makes me feel safest.

I do think, though, that your T saying that is probably to do with him wanting what is best for you. If it's triggering the way he expressed it, it would be good to work on how he might do a better job of making you feel welcome and safe at the same time. My T will always let me say no to talking about a topic, but he will keep inviting it, telling me he thinks it would be really good if we could be brave and work through it together. Sometimes, however, it just takes time before I'm ready. It sounds like your T is trying to push you toward what he thinks is best/healthiest, but if the amount of pressure is too much or too little and causing the opposite reaction of what he wants (for you to feel safer, build trust, find the process helpful), then he needs that feedback to be able to adjust his method.

(((TAS)))
I hear ya about not wanting to give up your autonomy, but here's the thing: you can trust him and still have it!
People think hypnosis takes away their autonomy, for example, because it opens their subconscious to suggestion, but in reality you STILL have the ability to make decisions for yourself; no one makes them for you, even T.

I completely understand the dialogue you two had re just come Wedsnesday - sounds like he truly cares, rather than is trying to control you. I wished so much that when I've backed off, that my T would show real concern and say what yours said, but he just says fine.

quote:

The truth is, I don't want to trust him. I don't want to let him into my heart. I don't want anything from him except to deal with the sh** from my childhood. Deal with it and move on. That's it.
I want to maintain my autonomy and not compromise myself by trusting him.

First, Tas, youre really not compromising yourself. You will simply have more options to choose from with regards to healing and understanding yourself better. Look at your resistance from an outsider's pov, if you can. You will not lose your own identity; rather, you may actually strengthen it, or even regain it.

Second, deep down, the little Tas inside you does want to trust, I'd be willing to bet, but the hurt part of you is in warrior stance. At least that's how it reads to me. And that hurt-but-wanting-to-trust conflict is at the core of the childhood trauma that you want to ultimately deal with, right?

Perhaps I'm saying too much, or projecting myself in here too much - I apologize if that's the case. I didn't want to become dependent on my T, and told him so more than once, but I actually felt safe with him for some unknown reason - probably the first man I have truly felt safe with besides my h, and now I do trust him, yet with a mind of my own, and I have begun healing.

I too hope you go Wed.; you know you ultimately are in control, and you also know deep down if this man has your best interests at heart versus just trying to make a buck off of you.

Please keep us posted - I wish you the best!

Starry

Hello.

You dont say why you are in Therapy , or if this is something u have to do ,by courts or something, if you are going for yourself then no one can force you to stay, but I must admit you should be lucky that you T is trying to keep you, I wish my T would do this, sometimes I feel like I am forcing him to have me, be blessed that he is trying to hang there with you and you should try to listen and trust that your T should know what he is doing ..

Sorry for the delay in replying. Life has a way of taking over...

CATALYST: Thank you. Honestly, things became more difficult for me when there was an increase in sessions. I did not understand it and to some point, still don't. I struggle with trust...the dynamic of therapy...I feel that he has the power and I don't. It's a constant struggle to trust or not trust.

I just want to get it done and over with. I suppose that approach does not work because when I get in there...I freeze up.

Thank you for your insight and sharing your experience.


STOPPERS: I am definitely keeping in mind that it is my decision to suspend therapy. Thank you


JANE DOE: I am going back one last time to speak to him. He has gone the last 9 months just trying to help me move an inch in the direction of trust with him. I don't believe the answer is to change therapists...because ultimately I would have the same issue, no matter who it was. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and taking the time to respond to my question. I appreciate it


LIESE: I think it has been overwhelming for me because I don't trust anyone. I have always relied on myself and that has proven to work for me. Now I am in a situation where I can't figure this out, hence therapy. That requires a certain amount of giving up control while trusting. Two things I don't do well, that don't come naturally. So, I feel that I should be further along, and yet, fundamentally, I am struggling with the basics...trusting and opening up. Thank you for taking time to respond. I do appreciate it.


YAKUSOKU: Truthfully, he has not given me a REASON to not trust him. This is my issue and nothing to do with him. I KNOW THAT and that makes it all the more frustrating. I have to simply relinquish trying to be in control all the time. Thank you for replying.


STARRY NIGHTS: I love that name He (Therapist) has been very understanding and kind; and yet, at times, firm with me. Like when I want to quit. This is NOT the first time I have wanted to quit. He sees that it is either FIGHT or FLIGHT for me. If I can win...I will fight. If I feel as if I am failing...I will run. In therapy, I feel as if I am failing. Terribly failing. Thank you for taking time to reply and sharing your experience. I appreciate it.


ANNA: Without going into too much detail...something happened this past summer (a huge trigger) where my childhood trauma of 16 years came and slapped me in the face...along with the memories, emotions, etc. I tried to avoid it for the last 23 years...and now I have no where to hide...I have to deal with it...or it will destroy my life...I am stuck right now in all of this mess and trying to find my way out. Since I am used to figuring things out on my own...and I can't figure this out...it has completely blind sided me...I am scared to trust and invite him as an ally in helping me figure this out. Thank you for taking time to reply.

((((TAS))))

There is no failing in therapy. It's taken me a long time to get that. Actually, I still struggle with it. If I was truly myself all the time in therapy, I would be unhappy and crying throught every session.

Why not try the weekly sessions and see how you feel? If you feel worse, then talk to T about going back to twice weekly. If you feel better, then stick with it. It might not have to be a permanent decision.

Good luck on Wednesday, if you go.

Liese