About a month ago I sent my T an email. I titled it "important not urgent", which I hoped would get across the message-- please read this before my next session and be prepared to discuss, but it's not an emergency and you don't have to write me back.

It *was* important to me. Without getting into irrelevant and unnecessary detail (it's about a topic that had been obsessing me for personal reasons but is not that interesting in and of itself), I can just say that I had received imporant clarification on a subject, from a third party who was something of an authority, on something that had been causing me considerable confusion and distress-- confusion and distress that I had expressed in therapy many times.

So, I sent the email to T. I forwarded on said third party clarification with a little explanatory note of my own, in which I also said that I would love to hear her thoughts on this, either via email or at our next session, whichever she preferred. Sometimes she is talkative in email, I think depending on how busy she is and if the subject grabs her. I like being able to write when things are on my mind, and she understands and accepts this, while I also understand not to expect a detailed reply, or even any reply, every time. If I'm desperate to hear from her, or self destructive or suicidal, I'll say so, but otherwise "we'll talk about it in session" is the default expectation.

The thing is, when I made it to my next session she hadn't read this email. I was very disappointed because I had tried to draw particular attention to it by saying it was important. And really I don't think it would have taken more than a few minutes to read. But I said it was okay, and she told me she was interested and was going to read it.

Fast forward to my next session, two weeks later (I see her every two weeks now). On the way over I'm a little cold and trembley wondering if she will have read it, and seeing myself asking and hearing a no again, and not liking to deal with the humiliation of facing the reality of my insignificance and so basically, I decide not to ask, and hope T will bring it up.

T did not bring it up. I suppose I was feeling too proud to talk about my embarrassment, disappointment, and feelings of humiliation. I hate looking desperate, or being in the position of begging for her attention and interest.

So, I talked about other things, silly stuff, social stuff, talked about life, talked about her. It was actually a fun session. I put the other things out of my mind and tried to be charming and interesting. lol.

Then I went home and decided she just didn't care about that other topic and that I would deal with that area of my life myself.

Two weeks have rolled by again and I have a session this evening. And I feel-- I don't know. Unhappy, cranky, discontent, disinclined to go. I don't need her. I can take care of myself just fine. It isn't really realistic to expect her to be with me through things. She's busy and has an act to keep up. I suppose I will still go to see her because I like her and the level of connection we do have is a world better than nothing.

But. . . I'm just not feeling it. Part of me wants to bring up the email again and have her read it in session, which I know she'd do, but that brings up the "humiliated by proof of my insignificance" complex again.

Maybe I should just get over myself and accept it? I don't like relating to another human being on these terms.