Big apologies in advance for this LONG post - I can’t seem to find it in me to edit it properly, so sorry for the length.

For a long time I’ve had the impression that when my T talks to me, he’s not talking about anything that I can relate to - even when he’s ostensibly replying to something I’ve said, or making a comment about something I’ve explained, I always feel as if what he’s saying shows he hasn’t really heard me, hasn’t been listening to what I’ve been trying to get across to him. This has been a recurring complaint of mine in nearly every session (‘you don’t UNDERSTAND!!!!’) I’m always waiting for the right words, the correct response that will somehow make me feel understood.

Last session I made a conscious effort to pay attention to what he was saying, really tried hard to listen to his words and try and understand what he meant. And I still didn’t feel as if he was relating to what I’d been saying, still felt as if he hadn’t gotten the meaning of MY words.

Thinking about it afterwards I realized I wasn’t actually hearing him. It was as if he were talking to me from a long way away and I could barely make out what he was saying, and that all I actually heard were words, that had no meaning. And I suddenly realized that it felt as if I had cotton wool in my head, that something in ME was preventing my understanding the meaning of his words. That I remember sitting there having finished whatever I was saying and listening to him go on, and on, and on and thinking I wish to hell he would shut up I don’t know what he’s talking about I don’t want to hear all this verbiage it’s just making my head go all fuzzy…

It’s made me realize that words are valueless to me. I’ve used words most of my life to survive, putting everything into words, explaining and rationalizing and listening and reading and taking in information all in the form of words, whose actual meaning somehow vanishes and I’m left with a handful of words that don’t really mean very much. So it’s not that I’m not hearing my T, it’s that his words don’t mean anything to me.

I’ve been beginning to get a sense of his being on my side, even understanding me a little (but just a little lol) I realize now, not from what he’s been saying to me, but by his actions and demeanour. By his calm facial expressions and the even tone of his voice. I’ve actually been getting some of the responses I’m endlessly looking for, but they’re coming not from what he’s saying, but from how he is with me on a non-verbal level.

Interestingly, I have in my memory snippets of sentences he’s said that have obviously meant something to me - things that have made me realize it’s ok for me to be there, ok for me to say what I have said, ok for me to go on and on and on about things that bother me with the therapy. I suspect I’ve remembered those particular bits of sentences because they actually hold the meaning of what he’s been saying, which has been a response I’ve been looking for (that’s got into my head in a non-verbal way, and the words are just like shorthand for the emotional understanding that’s happened.)

Hm I don’t really know what I’m asking here, this is a totally new thing for me, an insight like I’ve never had before so I’m spinning around a bit in excitement - for me to get something without having rationalized it or thought it into existence with words first, that’s a really Big Deal to me.

I guess the obvious comment would be that of course the greater percentage of communication is non-verbal etc but I’ve never seen before just how much I’ve relied on words alone for everything, and how meaningless they really are when it comes to genuinely understanding things, especially emotional problems.

I’m going to tell him next session ‘I can’t hear you’. And in writing that I’ve just realized that what I’m really wanting, all I can really cope with, is a few short words in response, not some lengthy dissertation on the whys and wherefores of psychology and the psychodynamic model etc etc I just want a short bite sized response that lets me stay in touch with what’s going on in me without having to go over into his head and try and work out what he means, and suddenly I’m thinking, that’s just like a child would, a child can’t understand great big long elaborate explanations of things, a child can only cope with a small amount of relevant and to the point information at any one time, and ESPECIALLY when it’s to do with something highly emotional. A direct short response that says everything that needs saying, without going into longwinded adult type explanations. Well I’m sure there’s some weighty insight there, but as you can guess now my mind is going into overdrive trying to understand it and rationalize it so of course now words are just getting in the way. LOL!

Wow this forum is like therapy in miniature, makes a great sounding board to write stuff and realize all sorts of things as you’re writing that you just don’t get when you’re writing for yourself alone.

Sorry I’m really rambling here, (comes of being too used to having to be precise with words lol) I guess I just wondered if anyone else knows what I’m talking about, or had a similar sort of experience with not hearing what their therapist is saying to them.

Lamplighter