I can relate (((Smallfry)))

It is so hard to let someone care, especially when you're the one used to being the care-giver. I know that is how I saw/acted all the time, pretty much since I was a young child. I had to be the one "in control" and taking care of everyone else. The second someone tried to take care of me, I felt uncomfortable, because I knew that they likely had an ulterior motive. They were only being kind and caring because they either needed something from me, or they were being kind and caring so as to let me "in" and it was only a matter of time before they'd turn on me and be mean and neglectful again.

It took me months upon months to accept my Ts care. I was very, very uncomfortable with letting myself get attached to T, and actually fought it tooth and nail for as long as I could. I never had a secure attachment growing up, and from my experience, someone caring about me and being kind always ended up hurting me really, really badly in the end.

Reality is that we all deserve to be cared for and treated kindly, whether it comes from our parents, families, spouses, friends, or even our therapist. It just takes a lot of re-training to accept that. Or at least it did for me.

quote:

I didn't expect my T to care when starting therapy i actually thought i go once a week dump my stuff and leave i care a lot for other people but the second the tables are turned and they show any kind of love/care for me i bolt

I'm the exact same way, smallfry

And, after 20 months with my T, she verbally told me she cared about me, was concerned for me, and loved me like as if I was her child, not that I am her child, but it is almost like that, that I can tell her anythingn and she won't think any less of me and she will not push me away. I NEVER would have thought my T would feel that or say that to me....I've been attached to her for so long, now to know she cares, well it feels so much harder now. Some days I actually feel safer, but other days, I feel like I'm going to disappoint her, just like I did with my mom.

I guess I am just going to let my T care about me. And, eventually, I think I want to tell her, "I love you, too."

Last Monday I calmly sat on her couch and said, "I don't think I deserve love."

Thanks for your replies r2g and ninn sorry you have had to feel this way as well.
r2g I've spoke to my t about waiting for her ulterior motives her answer was that her caring is unconditional sometimes i just wish she would agree with my warped perceptions of how bad i am and save me the energy of having to turn everything she says into the complete opposite so i don't have to have this attachment agony.

(((ninn)) I'm quite sure you do deserve to be loved. how do you get to the point of letting T care? it just seems a little off the map with me.what you t said was really lovely.