I wish I could offer more, but I do want to say that you would not be betraying that little girl by being happy; you would be liberating her. She deserved better. She deserved to be happy. When you come to a place where you can feel happy as an adult, you are honouring her strength for surviving and finally getting for yourself what she should have had.

Hey Nannabee,

I think the anger holds all of us back. But I think it's great you were able to feel it, to see things out of the little girls eyes.


It's true that we continue to suffer as long as we continue to remain angry. I don't think you're not choosing to get better. It's a process. It'll happen when you are ready.



Liese

Nannabee-

I don't think we've met, but Joie (she sounds like a T) is right. When (not if) you can feel happy, (whatever that is?)or content in your own skin, you would be feeling that with the little girl. Therapy helps that process.

I had 2 sessions of EMDR (too much for me)and so much anger was unleashed- spewing mostly at T. I won't go into details, but he believes that all of the anger energy had a purpose, and just got locked deeply inside. The anger served to protect the little girl... you know what... I am not clear yet...about how this works so I can't explain it to you. Probably someone can, sorry.

I think you can't imagine it because you haven't gotten through feeling the hate and anger yet. You need to allow yourself to go through the angry phase before you can feel good about being happy. It's not either-or. You can feel and honor the anger and hatred, and still have happiness on the other side.

YEs, I have struggled with this.

|One of the things I have found, is that as I go deeper in therapy, I am actually 'defrosting'. I had a mechanism which let me avoid feeling the anger and rage and fury and it was a dampening down sort of depression. I am now beginning to feel again, and that means that I actually feel the rage and the INTENSE pain. I also feel joy and deep happiness. My feelings are ALL coming back. I think in the long run it is worth feeling the rage and pain in order to feel the joy and the happiness. Basically that llittle girl that you were deserves to have her anger known and ALSO have a life now that she can freely experience happiness in.

Hard work though and difficult. But rewarding and really good eventually

quote:

I had a mechanism which let me avoid feeling the anger and rage and fury and it was a dampening down sort of depression.

By Sadly.

hmmmmm.... thinking; hmm...relating.

quote:

The memories are mostly stripped of emotion; there’s a vague scared feeling but that’s about it.

Yes, that's exactly how I feel. About a month ago I had my very first feeling if being that scared little 7 year old girl and it was so weird. I didn't know what was happening at the time. I really felt 7.

I like sadly's term defrosting. I hope someday to feel the extreme joys and highs in life. I have felt some deep lies, but it's come with the depression. I never even feel rage or much anger. Mostly, I feel indifferent and flat and I hate it.

My Poet part (16) is like this. She wants relief, but she actually told T that she feels like if she lets go of all the stuff she is carrying, she will cease to exist. Like, after holding all this pain for so long, that is her identity, and she won't be herself (we won't be us?) anymore if she has to give it up. It's really the only thing that was hers. I don't know if that's how you are feeling. It's funny, because I can simultaneously wish for relief, contentment, and feel this push back against it, like almost a loss of self-ness if the hurt and anger (which is actually stored elsewhere) goes. T has been very reassuring. It was in the context of a spiritual conversation (via text) about Poet's reaction to some of his comments. He basically said that the truth of what is inside us is constantly coming up into the light and being made clean and new and right, that we "never stop being aware of our woundedness," but by being addressed, it "no longer rules over our souls or oppresses us," so that while we're aware of it, we're also free, unburdened from carrying it. Sometimes his spiritual stuff sends certain parts over the edge (sorry if anyone else has a similar reaction), but it was helpful, in this case, because Poet was able to acknowledge that it wasn't surrendering her identity to allow that relief.

It wasn't the same as it was before, the pretending it didn't exist or pasting a fake happiness on top of hurt and rage. It is really, finally and fully KNOWING those things, kind of putting them down somewhere, like how people used to erect altars or landmarks or monuments at significant moments during a journey and giving them a name to identify their meaning. And then maybe marking those places on a map and carrying the map along with her, instead of hauling the actual rocks themselves. That's how I envisioned what he was saying. Like, it's still something that belongs to us, a part of our story, a part of our identity, held onto in the way that one could take a journey back to a significant place to acknowledge it's meaning. But, because it has been taken out of the bag, placed into the light of day, examined and allowed to remain out instead of back hidden away (which requires putting it back in the pack to carry again), life will not be so heavy anymore. I don't know if that helps at all.

I agree that the little girl deserves to be free and happy. And it doesn't mean she gives up her identity, surrenders the experiences that made her into who she is. It just means she was finally safe to feel those feelings, to share them and receive comfort, as much as she needed until she felt like she could build a monument saying, "These stones mark the place in my life called suffering," put it on a larger map (the context of life) and walk away knowing it has been tended to, found a place it belongs, and doesn't require carrying anymore.

Sorry, once again, if any of that is triggering to anyone.

Hi Nannabee

Nice to meet you...hi!

I don't post much outside of Couutdown post but wanted to chime in here on your thread...

From my experience you need to feel the feelings this little wounded part of you is holding, and by doing so you will set her free to beomce out and about with the rest of you. Not that she then has to disappear off. And then that's such a relief for her not to be lonely as well as all these hard feelings she's got.

I really hope you can work through all this with your t in a safe way. It's so very hard to do but is worth it.

Good luck.

Hugs
Serenity xxx

Hi Nanabee
I'm a new member but just wanted to chime in too because i have related to your situation.
I have spent a lot of my life being vague on the one hand an in an uncontrolled rage on the other.
I haven't been able to meld the two sides of myself but have a very kind and patient T who encourages me and makes me feel supported and safe, two things that i never got from my parents.
When i was a kid i always wanted to be a dog because they looked to me to have such a happy stress free life. I wanted to be anyone except myself. People only ever told me i was pretty but never anything else of substance. I have had a terrible blushing problem all my life when somebody speaks directly to me-i just feel shame about myself.
lately thru therapy i have realised that some of this social anxiety has diminished as i have been encouraged to support and not hate myself.
But as for the little girl inside...i find it extremely hard to get to her. The T says hug her and look after her but i can't feel her or get that close so her so i think i know what you are feeling.
My anxiety finally led to depression which luckily i have a handle on now with mild medication and therapy as a support. But like yakusoku i was afraid to let go of my protective feelings and still am. I have felt panicked and have tried to rationalise that if i let go of these feeling then where will i go? I feared i might lose myself or get lost in some kind of inside labyrinth forever. But as i have improved slowly i see that this doesnt happen when you have support and you learn to take care of yourself. You WILL be alright if you take small steps at a time and dont have huge expectations or pressure on yourself.
I wish i could say more to help you but only i do know how it feels and feel for you.
Be good to yourself like you would be to someone that you love. Everyone deserves happiness..it is actually a right, it is not just a cliche.
Love and care HH