It almost sounds like you are describing dissociation when you say you are not quite here, feeling lost and alone and a "I don't give a S attitude." I can't remember if you said you ever experienced that growing up, but it sounds like whatever is coming up in your processing may be something very difficult to deal with and you still are not completely equipped to deal with it alone so you dissociate. Though you are much better off than you used to be and your T can help you contain whatever feelings are surfacing.

When you are stuck between where you are going and where you've come from sometimes it is easier to take the well worn path we've become accustomed to. It is a struggle to keep from slipping back into the same old patterns we once had. Just because we are suddenly aware that it is detrimental doesn't just make us stop being drawn to it. Our old patterns are like magnets and it takes a lot of hard work to resist and you are not alone there either. And the longer we learn to walk in our new patterns the easier it will become.

So keep working Kats. It is worth every bit of effort and your T is likely not thinking you are becoming too dependent. That's YOU talking. In fact, she is probably seeing that you are becoming more "dependent as you need to be" and that you are learning that she is someone who can handle that for you. Yes, that's scary, but it is good! It is very good and right where you need to be right now.

Hang in there, Kat. I really admire that you were able to ask for and visit (you called it "breakdown and visit," I think?) your Dr., which sounds like it really was what JM said - asking for needed help.

As someone who has problems identifying and acknowledging needing help, well, I admire that you can do that.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I am sort of starting to get very emotional because T has not mailed me back or tried to contact me. I am afraid that I may have overstepped my boundaries. She never did say that I could mail her, I just saw her address on the web page and , well I was in a "state" so I took a chance. Now I am regretting it and expecting the worse. Two screw ups in one week with her. Why don't I get it.

Kats

<--- This is me hearing so much of myself in you.

Even if you overstepped a boundary she will just let you know that emailing isn’t an option for communication and that is all that will be. Bumping into boundaries is not as horrible as we fear; knowing where they are will actually help you to define your relationship with your T. You said it best when you said that YOU are expecting the worst. It won’t be that bad and it won’t be anything that you and your T can’t work through. And she may choose to wait to discuss this with you at next session. That may be the hardest part, but then there is always the phone call if you don't hear from her eventually and if you know she is open to that.
It is possible that she does not check her email frequently or even daily. You haven’t done anything that most of us haven’t done nor is it deserving of a cold harsh response as you are fearing.

I know it feels horrible, but notice what emotions you are feeling and where you are feeling it.

JM

Kats,
Do you remember how you felt after your session on Monday? I believe you used the words "reassured that you will be able to talk about anything, and that she really does care about you. As well as she said that she knew how hard it was for you to talk to her about this and that she was proud of you."

That is what you know to be true about your T that does not fit with your history. How quickly we forget when those old beliefs rush in on us.
JM

Hi Katskills,

If you don't mind my asking, when you say you have a breakdown, what do you mean exactly? My "spells" are characterized by tons of fear, anxiety and agitation, but I know everyone is different and I like to hear how other people experience suffering.

For what it's worth, I can relate to feeling lost, alone, scared and not knowing what to do or how to get through the next 5 minutes. There were times this past summer when I was really in terrible psychic pain that I thought I had some kind of brain damage or something. It's amazing how much pain and suffering the soul and mindbody can generate.

One day I was seeing my T-dude and I was really hurting. I demanded to know what the hell was happening to me. I was totally at the end of my rope and was convinced I was becoming completely unhinged. He looked at me and said, "you're thawing out from a lifetime of not feeling...of not feeling anger, sorrow and rage. And there's also a conflict raging inside you. Part of you doesn't want to feel any of it, and part of you is dying to get it out. It's gonna hurt a lot for a while. You're heart sick."

Even though it doesn't feel like it, you're a lot stronger and resilient than you know. Anyone who has the guts to go through psychotherapy has to be.

Best,
Russ

Russ

I used the term breakdown meaning I gave into my weakness and actually asked someone for help.
I am feeling so lost and unconnected with everything. It's almost like I don't really exist in this world. I walked around yesterday in a fog, in my own little bubble. I have no spark, and really don't care about doing much of anything. Today, I am just anxious, and fearful for mailing my T, and possibly being rejected.

quote:

"you're thawing out from a lifetime of not feeling...of not feeling anger, sorrow and rage. And there's also a conflict raging inside you. Part of you doesn't want to feel any of it, and part of you is dying to get it out. It's gonna hurt a lot for a while. You're heart sick."

This statement totally resonates with me. I haven't had any real emotions for so long, and with every emotion that I start to feel whether it be good, or bad I have pain, and am scared.

JM

You were absolutely right, I rushed to my old beliefs immediately. Even though on Monday I felt assured that T would not leave me, my fear of rejection got the best of me. I was preparing for the inevitable rejection that I am so use to receiving. On a good note T got back to me not too long ago. She was unable to check her mail earlier. I have been reassured that the relationship is real, I do have to start remembering this. I find it hard to believe that someone could actually really care about me in this way.

I will stop rambling, and thankyou all for your support and wisdom.

Kats

quote:

"you're thawing out from a lifetime of not feeling...of not feeling anger, sorrow and rage. And there's also a conflict raging inside you. Part of you doesn't want to feel any of it, and part of you is dying to get it out. It's gonna hurt a lot for a while. You're heart sick."

Oh WOW Russ, that absolutely resonated with me too. Winsome words indeed. I am going to borrow them to hang onto. I coud use all the help I can get to be more patient with myself.
-Thanks for sharing!

Kats, I am so happy for you that you were able to feel such reassurance, connection and belonging to your T is real. Hold it and absorb it as deeply as you can.

JM

My 2 cents:

PS - I know nothing of your problems, so this is just advice from me.

Don't discount a possible hormone fluctuation. We all go through those and our emotions can be deeply affected.

Lighten up on yourself.

Any therapist worth their degree will not become angry with you.

Step outside your blues and see what good things are going on in your life (yes, I am sure there are some).

Realize that everyone has a bad day or two. Stay quiet and ride it out. Watch a good comedy.

Chant. No religious affiliations here but chanting is known to get us back on track and smooth out the rough edges. Besides the classic, "OM" I like "nam-myo-ho-renge-kyo". Get into a good rhythm for 5-minutes or longer and see how you feel later on.

Take Care of Number One