The child in me continues feeling an entitlement to finally freely feel, and express that which has been hidden for so long. The injustice of emotional deprivation/abuse/criminality and the energy required to survive it was my childhood. Feelings of being lost in the abyss are with me today as I cling to any kind of safety available to me. I find myself smoking and eating more than I ever have, and my blinds are drawn from the outside world, a world I destroy each and every night in my head in an attempt to prevent more rejection.

But I have already been rejected in that childhood. Why fear it now?

I was terrified of my rage within. If I showed any sign of anger toward her it could have meant my demise, or as the child saw it, an eternity in the abyss. I clung to what little there was about her, including my rage. There was no bonding between us which resulted in my continuing "attachment" to her via my past.

As rage is being vented now by fantasy with emotion, there is a coinciding sense of separation occurring that I should have felt begin as a toddler. Once this separation is completed, ma in the head will cease to exist(instead of infant me) along with the angst that has accumulated through out my childhood.

I am not able to fully describe what that will feel like, but he has assured me time and time again it will be emotional freedom.

"Writing saved me from the sin and inconvenience of violence." Alice Walker