I am spacey and numb tonight in a way that I have not been in a very long time (years).

The focus of this thread (or attempted focus) is on my numbness and trying to talk and seeing my eq T tomorrow. Howver I need to post this trigger warning:

****triggers: crappy ex SD/pastor junk, brief mention that I had a moment of SU and SI thoughts****


I just found out today my ex SD filed some kind of civil court case against me - three civil filings no less. I have NO idea what they could be about.

I am shocked. I have no received the papers. The civil service sherrif deputy called and I asked him to email me what he was contacting me about. It was to serve papers from civil case Kevin ---- fild against me. I went numb. I litterally dropped what I was doing and got someone to cover for me and RAN ti a friend I know who is a law proffesor. I completely dissociated in her office. She later said I just looked spacey and close to catatonic. She calle the Sherrif and said they needed to serve me another day and she would set up the time and they could come serve me in her office. She doesn't practice civil law, nor can I afford an attorney, but she said she would walk with me through it. She said to go home and do everything you need to do to get better. She knows I struggle with dissociation and PTSD, and doesn't understand it entirely well, but I certainly didn't need her too, and she was terribly kind and compassionate. Her saying to get well was about how "close to catatonic" I seemed. She said "let me handle them and I get as much time as possible before you have to be severed this and deal with it.

My regular T is gone. She knows all about ex SD. We all thought since he kicked me out no explaination, he would just leave me alone.

Now, 2 weeks post kicking me out he files in civil court?!

I called a friend, said what happened. She flipped out (it was ok) saying this was awful and wrong for him to do. "This is a sickening abuse of power," she said.

I started to get flooded (SU thought, SI urges) and I called the on call T for my regulr T who is gone fo the next 3 weeks. She called back. She asked me to rate my safety, as we had planned if anything came up. I was honest on that. She got concerned, and then asked me what happened and I couldn't talk. My body would not let me. She said ok... tell me about the horses (I do equine T). I started too... but the everything almost flooded and I went numb even more. I explained I think I am keeping a lot of emotion at bay by being numb. I'm scared to feel. I began to actually stuuter (never done that before). I went silent. She had to go into her next session. } promised to stay safe. She asked/strongly recommended for me to calling equine T and said she would call back later. I spent an hour in an intensely numbed out daze. I then emailed equine T. I didn't know what to write. I told her

"Hi something bad happened. I think someone betrayed my trust. I'm safe. Just numb. (On call T) suggested I contact you. I don't know what I need. I don't know about that, but I'm trying to follow her suggestion because I'm not sure what I need myself, but I'm trying to figure it out if I should contact you or not."

(Again, I was very numb. I couldn't seem to think or say more. Worst email ever.

Eq T called me 30 minutes later. I was able to say I told a friend what happened and they responded strongly to how awful and betraying of trust and abuse of power. I couldn't say more.

I still couldn't say what happened. I assured her I was safe, just numb and scared of when the numbness wnet away. I told her how I was going to take care of me... my eq T and I have never had a conversation on the phone except twice, and that was for scheduling. I have seen hr for just over a year... but she was good on the phone. She asked me if I wanted to talk. I told her the words would not even come if I tried. I told her just old stuff got triggered. I'm really ok, I just don't know quite what is going on with me... I told her how I was in the law proff office...

She asked if I wanted to come see her tomorrow. I said if it is ok... yeah.... she assured me many times it was ok. She said "I want you to know I'm here for you. I'm here." Those words hit my heart deeply.

She told me to call her cell anytime if things got worse and if I felt unsafe at all - and that she was trusting me to do so. I agreed. I think I would keep me safe just not to have to call her... I feel so bad she is so concerned.

But I see her first thing in the morning. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm a little scared of everyone right now.

but I know with her that if I can't talk, it is ok. Really ok. Helps if I can talk... I want to talk. I just litterally start to stutter if I try.

I went to dance class tonight. It went ok. Then I left and almost got flooded. Then numb. Now I'm tying here to try and stay ok.

And not cry and not freak and not turn in on me and hate myself in an attempt to make sense of this awful ex SD.

I hope it is ok to share this.

So numb, little scared of eq T in the morning. I kee telling myself, just show up. Just go. Be somewhere safe and familliar. If that is all I do... that is good, right?

jd

P.s. sorry about bad typing and the typos. Posting from my phone.