I hate that I only see her twice a month, yet can't really fix that because of insurance reasons. I have this feeling I'm going to go in there and she's going to act like she can't remember anything having happened between us (meaning she's going to put on some act that things are like they were before it all happened and that my feelings and issues are going to be avoided again) and that she is going to play the forgetful therapist and I'm going to waste the first 10-15 minutes bringing her up to speed on where I'm at. Actually if that's what happens I think I'll just shut down and tell her that it's her turn to figure out what's going on, or maybe I'll even get the guts to just get up and walk out on her. Something inside me feels like tomorrow the bomb is going to go off--the one that tells me that I've been in denial that this woman really cannot and is not going to help me, that I'm going to have to leave her and find a new therapist. Frankly I'm scared as hell to go tomorrow, almost worse that last session where I had to read my big scary letter. 
I've been fighting myself with all of the strength I can possibly muster to make this work, and somewhere I just feel that it's not going to work. I don't know if I'm just doubting, if it's the whole trust issue, if it's the disconnect/separation thing, if it's her lack of honesty/openness, if it's my fears/uncertainties about what I think she thinks about me, or what? And at the rate that things are getting resolved (super slowly) I feel like it's going to take an eternity to get somewhere with this and my life has been literally at a standstill for 4 months now because this "relationship" has taken over my life and I don't get anything else done. I'm all consumed by it, night and day. I get to bed at 1 or 2 a.m. because my mind is busy worrying about my relationship with my T and what I am going to do about it, what's really going on, how are things going to get fixed, etc., etc., etc....It's literally making me crazy and I'm starting to wonder if therapy is helping me or harming me (I think it's the latter). I feel like I've actually been traumatized by all of this and wonder if I should seek healing through another therapist. I feel at least ten times worse today than I felt when I entered therapy six months ago, and something tells me that is just all wrong. I realize therapy can be painful, but where do you draw the line between healthy pain and unhealthy pain? I seriously feel like tomorrow I might go into her office and literally explode at her because I'm beginning to feel some real anger, and that's not really me. I'm not usually angry, although I'm starting to see that I have a LOT of anger that has been repressed and bottled up for SO so long. I don't want to scare my T, but I feel like she is just so clueless or something. I don't know WHAT she is. Annoying, to say the least. It's hard to say that too. To go from idealizing someone and "loving" them and thinking they are the greatest person on the earth to suddenly thinking they are a hurtful, cruel, untrustworthy, maybe even malicious. I hate feeling this way and having all of these doubts and maybe even being completely paranoid. I wish I could see this all clearly and be rid of the fear and anxiety this all brings. I just want my life back. I want to be a mother to my boys and feel like I can be a HEALTHY mother, not a dysfunctional one. My house is such a disaster, and I have no desire to do anything to fix it. I don't take care of myself at all, and most days I sit here all day, in my pajamas, or at best--dressed but with my hair unkempt and no make-up on. My dishes sit in the sink until right before my husband comes home from work, and I manage to get only the bare minimum done. I wonder how people that have a family and a full-time job or school actually live!! 
UGH!! I just want to be able to function, and my T isn't really helping me get there. Is that too high an expectation that I have of her? My depression today is worse than it was before I started on medication in October, and I'm on my 3rd medication with none of them having worked so far. Can you tell I'm getting to the end of my rope!? Anyway, if you're listening and have got this far, thanks. I just feel pretty alone these days... If anyone has any words of wisdom or helpful advice, I would REALLY appreciate it because I can't seem to bring myself back to reality and feel grounded right now and it's bordering on panic attack scary.
Thanks... MTF
