thanks Monte, lol foot-soldier is very true, not corny at all, it made me laugh x i hate anxiety and yes i too think it is worse now to deal with than depression. its sort of like a catch 22 situation i feel i am in at the moment where i have and continue to learn more about myself and try to gain insight and knowledge on depression, therapy and everything yet because i am it is opening a can of worms. a giant truth slap in the face too where even though i am dealing with my problems more now i feel like i have more added on. and now i have so much guilt about the pain caused my family. it is so hard to deal with it. i would not trade my college course for anything as it has helped me on my journey and will stay with me now forever yet it does make you really see yourself raw and open and with real honesty. that is triggering. and guilt fueling. so if i can keep on top of it then its a good thing. yet its making my anxiety worse when i go into anxious mode and mind overdrive. maybe i just need to let myself feel the pain to begin to heal? maybe its just part of the process. maybe its just the way it has to be. maybe ill find me. thats what i want.

today is not a good day. today was already not so good then it got worse. my husband has been paid off so now hes not got a job anymore. hes not the only one, a few people got paid off today. we knew that it might happen and i thought i was prepared for the possibility but I'm not. they gave him a really good reference but it still means no work, no money.
now i cant fund the course i was planning to do to achieve my diploma in counseling. my tutor on Wednesday told me i have the ability and must pursue it, i passed all my assessments from my course with really high marks and it was real confidence boost for me to have her take me to one side and tell me i must keep on with it. now though it seems impossible as i don't have the money to pay for it. i have my interview all set up for the next stage next week. now there seems to be no point as it is just a pipe dream now because even if i was accepted onto the course i wouldn't be able to go. its out of my reach because the course starts in April with the interviews and selection only 2 weeks away the course needs paid for before it starts.
it just reinforces my negative perspective on my life that if something is going to go wrong it will happen to me and no matter how hard i try to change things, no matter how much hope i try to maintain it is just completely hopeless. i felt like i was on the cusp of change where things would get better i think now that it was just a cruel false "hegemony", false illusion. there is no utopia for me, there never was and never will be.

Hi dolphinac,
I'm really sorry to hear about your husband's job loss and even more how this is affecting your schooling. I know that because of how much I was disappointed in my childhood losing something good just as you think you're about to obtain it, triggers so much sense of loss, and a feeling of hopelessness, that you're never going to get what you want or be able to enjoy anything because it will only be taken away. It's understandable that this happening feels like a reinforcement of your perspective that everything that can go wrong will go wrong. You're obviously not alone or they wouldn't have named it Murphy's Law.

But even though you may not be able to afford the course now that doesn't mean never or that good things can't happen. I know that at times like this it's difficult to see any good, but know that you won't always feel like this and you are strong enough to get through this. I hope that your husband is able to find other employment quickly and that you will be able to get back on track.

As far as finding utopia, can I share with you something really important I learned from my T? My life has been a quest in search of a place where there would be no pain, no hurt, and no grief, that if I could finally find that safety then things would be ok. My T taught me that there is no such place, life always brings both joys and adversities (and it seems to be tilted towards the adversities) and that our real safety lies in knowing that we can face whatever comes our way. You are strong enough to get through this despite how you're feeling and they'll be another side to this experience and times that you'll know joy and happiness. Until the next time that something goes wrong. But then you can hang on to knowing that it's going to be ok when you're going through that.

And things did and are getting better, you're still the person who managed to do so well that you could get into that program and that's not disappearing because you can't afford the course right now. You can still be proud of your achievement.

All that said, I can only imagine how difficult and even scary it might feel right now. Please come hear to talk as much as you need to.

AG

Dolphinac

Sorry to read your post and hear your struggles. Why does everything seem to happen all at once? It can feel so unfair.

Just a thought, but have you spoken to college about your financial difficulties? I know when I have done courses recently there were grants available that were means tested . . only an idea and one you've probably considered anyway. I can imagine how disappointing it must be for you, especially with such positive encoutagement from your tutor, but the course will still be there for you to do in the future when the time is right (and you'll be even wiser then!! )

Things will get better, they just never do it in the time scales we want or need. As AG said, from reading your initial post you have achieved so very much already, that won't stop and what you have learned won't go away. . you just might have to dig deep and remind youself of your achievements and set yourself smaller, easier goals til your confidence returns in yourself.

Do keep letting us know how you are getting on and rant anytime.

starfish