((GE))
I don't mean to be obtuse but y cant she stay w/ you & your family? Do you really want her so far away from you? Maybe not w/ your trio, but a special place you create for her.
Not sure if that helped.

Mudd

Mudd, DH and my on are my only actual family and as I said in my post, I hold an adult role in that trio.

GreenEyes:

For now it seems as if she has

NOWHERE TO BELONG.

One day you will hold her and tell her she is

NOW HERE TO BELONG.

The same exact letters...one moved to show a change toward the little girl and
that her home is within you.

All the best,
T.

((((GREENEYES))))

Maybe your T can adopt her for a little while? Just until she's stronger? We all need to be carried once in a while.

Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

Thank you everyone for your kind and thought provoking replies

Cat - no it doesn't sound cheesy, and I didn't want to punch you I understand exactly what you're saying and I agree that she is part of me and I need to own her somehow. There is a desire to be rescued and cared for by somebody else because its something I never had as a child.

Tas - very clever! I hope I can reach that point where my little girl can have a home with me.

Liese - I wish my T would adopt her, even for a short while. its not his style unfortunately. Beautiful poem, thanks for sharing

Irish - thanks for understanding the anguish of unrequited love. I'm sorry its something you know too well.

AG - you seem to have removed your post, but I remember what you said and you hit the nail on the head there.

I've had a bit of a disrupted life this past week with exams and assignments that has meant I put these issues on hold to maintain a focused headspace.

Now as I'm starting to let some of this experience back in I realise I feel completely humiliated that there is nobody there for my china doll. What I have with my T doesn't seem to be strong enough to contain the feelings that would emerge if I started talking about it.

So when it comes down to it, I'm scared. Really scared. Scared I won't cope and that it will end terribly. My T is so hopeful, but for me hope is an evil thing, it has led to more hurt, heartbreak and disappointment than I thought possible.

Hi GE
Sorry about that. The schedule is still insane and the last couple of weeks have been especially rough. I had a run in with an alcoholic who did a really good imitation of my dad, including starting off seductive and ending in a rage screaming some rather nasty names at me, which seriously triggered me. And I was already dealing with my mom not returning my phone calls. All of this stirred up serious amounts of shame. So when you didn't answer for a few days, I was worried that it had offended you and I just felt too exposed so I took it down. But I did save it (I actually really hate to delete a post, but it felt so bad I deleted it but saved it) and I am adding it below.

Not at all your fault, just my stuff. And I saw BN on Monday which really helped. Now if I can just get this damn release completely over with....

Glad it resonated.

And I understand your fear of hope. It only gives you something to lose. I felt the same. This fear is based on our childhood experiences of betrayal and abuse. We trusted over and over again, hoping it would be different this time, only to have it turn bad again. And so we wait for the same loss to happen again. That fear of being overwhelmed, of being too much, of not having the strength to face this are memories (very strong and scary memories) of a time that was true. But it really isn't anymore. With your Ts help, these feelings will not destroy you now.

AG

***********************************************************

quote:

In T at the moment I'm wrapped up in the fact that there is a little girl inside me (who I have named china doll) who doesn't feel like she belongs or has a home anywhere. Adult me knows I belong with DH and our son but my role in that trio is one of a wife and mother. There doesn't seem to be a place for the frightened, traumatised and unwanted china doll.

GE,
The solution, I think at least for me, was in recognizing that the little girl inside of me IS me. She was the part of me (and the memories, including the feelings) that I split off. I needed to allow her to speak and listen to her so that I could own that part of myself. So her place really is with you. She is you, and therefore has a home wherever you have one. She's your experience and some of the reason you are who you are (and I mean strength and compassion and patience). So the place to start is by you accepting her as part of you.

I literally used to go inside myself and imagine myself telling her it was ok, she was safe now, I could protect us both, and that I wanted to listen to what she needed to stay. I would visualize myself as a small child and ask her to climb in my lap so I could hold her, then let my awareness move back and forth between caring for her and being cared for. I would consciously try to get out of her way during sessions with my T by not filtering what she was saying. I would just let her speak and experience the care, compassion, and understanding of my Ts while again, focusing my awareness that it was me. It's a long, hard process (sorry, when do I not say that? ) but she will have a place because you will learn to believe you deserved so much more than she ever got. And though you can't go back and fix what happened, you can ensure that you are taken care of, the way you deserve, going forward.

I am sorry, I know that you have been in a long, dark, seemingly hopeless passage. You are in the middle of the most difficult work. Just keep expressing how you feel, including rage, helplessness and hopelessness. You probably experienced all of those feelings as a child but could not understand or express them. It's safe to do so now. And I know it feels like it can't possibly make a difference since it won't change what happened. But changing your understanding of it makes all the difference in the world.

AG

(((GE))) I'm sorry for the tough place you're in now. I totally get that fear you're talking about. And there is also no one there for the smaller parts of me. Even trying to let T be there isn't enough because, to those parts, she's still dangerous in some sense.

Anyway, I'm sorry I have nothing of use to offer, and I'm sorry I didn't see this post earlier. Lots of safe hugs to you.

((kash)) don't be silly your support is a meaningful and wonderful offer in itself.

((AG))

Brief update on me.

For anyone who read over in the coffee chat thread, I had a major meltdown on Friday because my mother in law cancelled her babysitting commitment for Monday morning with me which means I'm missing an important class. I can live with missing the class but I lost the plot over feeling soooooooooo let down and unimportant and that my needs were not being considered at all. I was so mad at her! That afternoon I ended up in a really awful space where I felt trapped and desperately needed someone to physically be there with me. I felt sooo humiliated and soo worthless and that my suffering and pain didn't mean anything to the important people in my life.

I saw my T on Saturday morning and it was a brutally painful session. But when I left I seemed to start connecting a few dots and having a few "a ha" moments.

Firstly, there is a part of me that feels entitled to whatever I want when I want it because of the severe deprivation I went through growing up and my ability to manage myself reasonably independently (with T's help) as an adult. I don't go around asking for help all the time, so when I need it, I feel entitled to it, no questions asked, no negotiations etc.

I have long held the belief that I needed to have a prolonged period of my life where it was all about me and my needs that I deserved everything and anything I wanted to be able to heal from my past.

Now I realise that I've set this up to avoid my pain and my grief. Seeing things in black and white keeps all the horrible feelings split off but having an experience where its gray (eg while my MIL has let me down and hurt me, I know my MIL loves me and I know I"m important to her), provokes the most agonising pain and unbearable frustration.

I also realised that if I can gradually get better with what seems like measly support from my T and DH, then how badly did my parents screw me over? It is almost incomprehensible that I have sooo much more now compared to when I was a little girl. I had nothing and nobody and no chance of being helped.

I see more clearly now what many of you are saying, that I need to own my china doll first before she can have a home with others. The problem is there is this ocean of grief and pain that stands between us and I feel so completely alone in that grief most of the time. I was so lonely and sad as a child that to re-experience those feelings and bear them alone most of the time as an adult is heartbreaking and somewhat re-traumatising.