Nurtured, or Not

holzMember

After my session with my P today I was thinking about what the P had said. She said something about me not fitting the 'profile' of someone who was not nurtured as an infant by her mother. I didn't pay attention to this until I got home, and now I'm wondering .. what actually is the profile of someone who wasn't nurtured properly? A serial killer?

I argued with her because I don't feel like I was nurtured, I have never had a connection with my mother outside of resentment and hate. I've been told that I was left to cry as an infant if my mother was drinking, or sleeping. I was never breast fed, I was tossed aside often, when I was able to get around, if I hurt myself she would ignore me - apparently wouldn't even look to see if I had actually been hurt.

As a result I grew up taking care of myself and everyone around me, including her because it was evident that she wasn't going to take care of me. I had motherly responsibilities as young as 11 yrs old which consumed my childhood and teen years because I was made to take care of the many handicapped clients my mother housed in our house like rats, I cooked, I cleaned, I cleaned more, I bathed people, I washed feces off of walls when a client would get angry and act out. I was the primary caregiver to these people, to my siblings and to my mother at 11 yrs old.

I imagine that as far as nurturing goes, she made sure that I was fed (I think lol) and clothed. But according to relatives there wasn't much hugging as an infant, or rocking (which would explain why I hate to hug ppl or have people touch me .. besides my wife), there also wasn't much cuddling or affection put towards me by my mother. I know my dad gave me as much as he could, when he could and his parents as well.

So is it possible that what ever this profile is, that I may be one case where I was able to not become a stat by deciding the type of person I wanted to be and that I wanted people to see me as at an early age? And developed myself accordingly? Is it even possible to do that.

Any thoughts out there?

4/23/0911:01 AM

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catgirlMember

HBO,
Stats are just that, stats. There's never 100% anything. There are always exceptions to rules.

Why don't you ask her what this profile looks like, and if she's ever seen any exceptions, and why she says you don't fit the profile? My question is: Does it really matter anyway if you fit the profile? Is it important to her that you fit the profile? If not, then maybe it's a complete non-issue. These are some of my thoughts on the matter.

catgirl

4/23/0912:38 PM

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russMember

HBO,

I'm really curious to know what your P means by "profile," and what constitutes such a profile.

To me it sounds like you answered your own question perfectly in describing your childhood experiences with your mother, as well as the lack of warmth, affection, hugging and an overall healthy connection and environment. If that's not a lack of nurturing - or whatever you want to call it - I don't know what is.

I'd encourage you to follow up with your P about this.

Russ

4/23/091:01 PM

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riverMember

Maybe your P meant that you don't fit the profile of someone not nurtured as a child because of how you are now. If the usual profile includes being a total screw up or serial killer than no, you don't "fit the profile"

4/23/091:21 PM

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holzMember

Thanks guys.

River, You're right. She meant, based on the person I am today, I don't fit the "Profile". I'm still curious as to what the profile would be ... a drug addict, alcoholic .. serial killer

I'm just guessing here of course

CG & Russ, I will talk to her next week when I see her again and get her to explain it to me. But I figured seeing as I just thought about it when I got home, I'd see if any of you knew what she might have meant. I don't know if it really matters if I fit into the profile, unless there would be a different approach to her therapy. I think we were discussing/arguing (I do the arguing part) about how because I turned out to be a well rounded person (other than the little issues I have) that my mother must have done something right in my infant years. I of course say no she sucked as far as mothers go and thats when she made her comment about me not fitting the neglected/un-nurtured (is that a word) child profile.

So I see what you guys are saying and I'll bring it up next week. THX

4/23/092:12 PM

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learningtoflyMember

I think everyone here are right - if you felt like you lacked nurturance growing up, then you did. And from what you mentioned of your childhood it certainly doesn't sound like you received what you needed.

I learnt a lot about schema therapy, and emotional deprivation is a big issue:

Expectation that one's desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others. The three major forms of deprivation are:
A. Deprivation of Nurturance: Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.
B. Deprivation of Empathy: Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.
C. Deprivation of Protection: Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.

My mother only did what she HAD to do to be a parent. She fed/bathed/clothed me. That's about it. Anything nice she did, she only did when people were around so she felt obligated to PLAY the "good mother role". She didn't WANT to do it, and she made damn sure I knew that.

You can take a schema therapy test to see if you meet their criteria for suffering emotional deprivation (just google schema therapy). Or you can go with your instinct and know the truth without needing to prove it. But it's hard when your P doesn't understand.

You can heal from this though. This is the most painful of anything i need to work on, but my emotional deprivation has dropped from 100% in June last year to 60% this month. May still sound high, but it's a huge drop and i am glad. It means i am starting to believe that not everyone is going to be like my mother... which gives me hope.

Talk to your P about it, i think it will help

cassie

4/23/094:16 PM

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songbirdMember

Hi Holly,

I'm not sure what your P wanted to say with her statement. Why would you feel you weren't nurtured if you were? And from what you said it sounds your were the nurturer rather than your mum, so of course you missed out!

SB

4/25/096:42 AM

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holzMember

Hi

Sorry for taking so long to get back, I was away on a clothes spending spree. Losing weight has it's perks where the wardrobe is concerned!

Thanks for your comments

I've been trying to find something on the net about what someone who wasn't nurtured would look/act like (profile), but haven't had much luck. I hate it when she (P) says things and I don't ask about them right away. I tend to obsess about them until my next appointment.

" Maybe your ability to nurture all of those people when you were so young leads your T to believe you must have received some nurturing yourself in order to know how to give it."

Summer; I wonder the same thing. I just like to think that at an early age I knew what I was missing and could see that other people were being hurt by my mother - so I gave them the attention I wish I was receiving from my own mother. So I don't think that nurturing is an ability that has to be taught (regarding my P possibly thinking that I had to have been nurtured to be able to do it for others) or learned, I believe that we are born with he ability and choose to provide it to others. What do you think?

LTF thanks for your note too. I'll go look schema therapy up right now and read a bit about it.

Thanks again all !

Holly

4/27/098:06 AM

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