OK, now that I'm on my computer and not my phone, I can give a better description of my phone session. I did end up having the session in the truck in the garage, because my sister and nephew were sleeping in my room and H (who I had been arguing with all morning) and our daughter were in our living room. Poor T is still sick, and had a hoarse voice and coughed here and there throughout the session.
T started out by telling me why he thought it was important for us to have a phone session this week. He said he really understands how overwhelmed I feel and it was important to him that we didn't leave that unattended right now. He also said he's been been hearing my cry for a sense of structure and help managing the difficult feelings that are arising as I uncover what I've buried and avoided for so long.
T suggested that we focus on two things more:
-My ways of thinking (e.g. about myself, about God, etc.).
-Structured tasks (Bible study, applied concepts).
...and one thing less:
-Slow down my journaling again (which he keeps insisting he loves and I should not stop and he really thinks I am processing so excellently all on my own, but realizes it's just too much for me without more support in place).
He stopped after this and asked for my thoughts/feedback and I expressed that my on/off switch would mean I would go completely to intellectualizing and start disconnecting from my feelings again (which he had actually already labeled as a concern I might have). He made sure to note we were not going to disconnect and he will work with me to moderate the thinking/feeling balance.
He then brought up codependency and asked if I had read about it before, which I have, but not in years. He asked (gently) if I realized I had some codependent tendencies (which I do and told him). He also discussed moving away from the manufactured self and learning about the real self. He explained how he thought I had adapted those mechanisms for survival in such a chaotic environment.
T said I have been stuck at the point where I had to become a caretaker to have a "safe" identity and survive and the process we're in now is growing me up emotionally...and that framing it in those terms might help me to understand my confusing feelings. He said we need to integrate those feelings that are stuck in the past, especially my rigid, child-like evaluations (feelings of judgment toward myself). T said for now, I need to be comforted and reassured through those feelings, until I can learn to mediate them for myself. I wish I could have asked, "And do I get to have you be the one doing that?"
It made me feel temporarily, slightly more OK with needing him and wanting his support so much.
Here he asked for my feedback again to see how I was tracking what he said. I let him know that I intellectually agreed, but I also was concerned at how my being more real was affecting my family. We discussed some of the problems I'm having with H and withdrawing from him, not living up to expectations I set, the judgment I feel about it and how hard I'm finding it to embrace the "real" me and find balance without disconnecting from my marriage and hating myself for failing.
We discussed the role reversal and how much of it was me going too far the other direction vs. being in imbalance for so long making it FEEL as if I wasn't doing my part. T says he sees me as a very understanding person with people in general and H especially and made me feel OK about wanting/expecting understanding from H as I struggle. This really helped me take a step back from internalizing my H's judgments and rather than feeling vindicated, like I wanted to withhold from H more, it actually made me feel more giving toward H, which was nice. H later expressed disappointment in himself for not treating me like he wants to, but he is having trouble dealing with his wife not seeming like his wife anymore...which I understand. I think he's becoming jealous of how therapy is taking residence within my life.
T said it sounds like my marriage is "typical," but as we learn give-and-take it might be a rocky transition from the manufactured "fairy tale" to normal and eventually better than average marriage. He then realized he had used "manufactured" a few times and asked if I was OK with him using that term or if it was hurtful. I told him I was OK with it, saying, "Well, it's not pretty, but it's reality." T liked that response, because it was honest that it did not feel great, but that I was willing to acknowledge it as true (especially since I have brought that concept up several times under different phrasing).
T here complimented me about how well I was following this whole discussion and the feedback I was giving him to help him know I was understanding. He said, maybe one in twenty clients has been able to track with him and converse in a way that makes him confident that they understand and are applying/relating the concepts to their own experience.
He also asked me if I studied psychology in school. I said I hadn't (because, I haven't). He was almost incredulous and said that sometimes the way I identify concepts and my experiences sounds like someone who has a degree. I let him know that I had done a little reading on my own, but mainly I assumed it was either coincidental that the way I express myself linked up with psychological concepts or I unconsciously incorporated things I was learning in therapy with him. Again, he suggested I might someday become a great therapist myself.
This guy is always insisting I'm going to publish my writing or become a T or something. I felt really complimented by that, but unworthy of such praise, so I just said that for now, "I'm just focused on becoming a human being." I could almost feel T smiling through the phone and he said something about that being great and that God was just interested in me being myself and loved me without me having to "do" or "be" anything more. I actually do want to have aspirations to write or teach or do something that could help people like being a therapist, but while I am so broken, I don't feel safe to have those kind of goals. Baby steps, I guess.
It was already 10:55 at this point (50 minutes was up). He had to ask me the time, because he was using his phone, which had the time on it. He said, "Wow, that went really fast!" in what sounded to me like a disappointed voice. I was scared he was going to just say, "Well, we'll have the save the rest for our next session." He just said, "Does it feel OK if we begin wrapping up?" I loved the way he asked this, because it shows he knows how hard ending sessions is on me and also that if I was not OK, he would prioritize me...no one has ever done that for me. I said I was OK with it, but rather than just wrapping up as I expected, he asked first if I had any questions. I asked for some clarification on the structure he was proposing and he said, "Yep, I was just about to get to that." So, he wasn't rushing me off the phone anyway.
He reiterated that my journaling was "so good," and how helpful he thinks it is and how much he enjoys reading it. He kept saying that he does not want me to eliminate it, but he wanted to give me other tasks to mix it up, bring myself a little more into balance, so I am not processing myself into such an overwhelmed place. He suggested that if I am not already, I begin all journaling, Bible reading and assignments in prayer, admitting I am unable to handle everything on my own and asking for Him to hold me and reveal what I needed. His first assignment is to do a study on the phrase, "The Word of..." (also, "the gospel," "the message," etc.). He left it up to me how to focus. In addition, he recommended reading a book on codependency (which I think I have actually read before). He also reiterated that this was not meant to replace journaling or to be prioritized above my other roles (mother, wife, etc.) in a way that would cause me to heap judgment on myself. I admitted that I like learning and performing, so it would be a struggle not to go full throttle into it. He liked my honesty there and his reply gave me a kind of "You can do it!" feeling.
He asked how I was feeling about the session being over and I think I said, "OK, I guess," because I was having mixed feelings. He asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about, but I said, "No, I don't want to open up anything new, since we're already past the time." I worked out some scheduling stuff really quickly (I either have Monday or Tuesday at 9:00 pm, but I don't know which yet). So, T prayed and I thanked him and he said, "God bless." And, I wasn't sure how to end, so I just said, "Bye!" And he said he'd see me in a few days. The session ended up going until 11:10 (65 minutes instead of 50).
I texted T an hour later to let him know how sincerely I appreciated how he was working with me and how talking about the marriage stuff had helped me to feel more resolved. He texted me back almost immediately, "So glad! God is good!" He's so humble; I find it endearing. Anyway, I will probably be stuck in these lovey-dovey feelings for a little while, before it hits me again, "Crap! T is going to be gone as soon as you can stand on your own feet," and then I will want to run away and hide or hate myself for putting myself in the position to need someone who is going to leave me. Anyway, sticking with therapy for now.
