((HIC))

When do you see your T again? It will be okay!! Ts are lovable. I'm not sure how your T is through email, mine writes very "in general" but is more open/expressive in session. So maybe your T will respond best there, maybe well through e-mail too. Vulnerability is scary.

((cat)) ((draggers))

Thanks for the hugs! I don't see T again until Tuesday. She will very occasionally reply with something brief to one of my emails, but I always write with the expectation that she will not reply, then if she does I am happily surprised. We have discussed emailing and this is understood between us. I tend to write fairly regularly regardless, because just the act of composing and sending an email to her feels connecting, soothing, grounding. She doesn't mind. I know she reads them and we often discuss them in session.

Anyway, she seldom (maybe never) replies to my more dramatic/sensitive missives. I think this may be because composing replies to them could feel more complicated? More potential for misunderstandings and problems.

So, I doubt seriously she will reply to this one. Whether or not she says anything in session about it will be interesting to see. I was feeling moody and reckless when I wrote last night, now that I'm more myself I'm rather regretting that I plunged into that level of vulnerability, but you two are probably right, it will be okay. She may just ignore it completely and that will certainly be okay. It will be as if it never happened. . .

Aw, HIC. After my last session with T, I understand better that Ts expect those kinds of feelings to arise in therapy. Not that it makes it ANY easier!

And I think you are right about replying to some emails. Is there a reply from her that would be satisfying? If it were me, I don't think there would be. That's such a huge thing you told her that I think anything she says in a reply could be easily misconstrued. I hope Tuesday comes quickly for you!

((( HIC ))) don't know what to say other than it WILL be okay. my most positive thoughts to you for a wonderfully connecting next session.

HIC, I admire your courage (even if it was a fleeting moment!) I am battling myself as to whether I can finally admit to my T how much I love her, but am absolutely terrified to do so. Email/text isn't an option, so it'd have to be in person.

I think Kashley is right, our Ts probably expect this, and your T will likely handle it just right!

((((HIC))))

Hope you are doing okay. I would feel the same way about the vulnerability. I hope she responded and/or you are feeling better.

Thanks closed doors, Room2grow, Liese,

I'm not feeling too badly about it now. Really. . . it's just a word. Meant to connote, in this case, positive feelings, warmth, appreciation, affection, and liking.

My "declaration of love" was not a very gracious one, however. It came at the end of a distraught, frantic, mildly hysterical email in which I was detailing my misery of the moment. Then I impulsively closed with:

"Good night. Love you. (Can I say that? I just did. Probably I will be kicking myself for it in the morning, but tonight I am wearily following the imperatives of a somewhat distraught mind. You can always put it down to me being 'naive and inexperienced in relationships.') "

She had told me that a couple days before, that I was naive and inexperienced in relationships. It annoyed me a bit because while it is factually true it felt condescending. Somehow I think being a little frustrated and annoyed on top of everything else made it easier to tell her I loved her. Is that insane? I think it's because I wasn't caring a whole lot at the moment what she thought of me or what her response might be.

Now I'm guessing she most likely will ignore it unless I bring it up again. I think that might be her idea of being tactful, aware that I may be embarrassed, etc. Probably I will just let it go too. . . I don't really want to discuss it further with her, but I'm not sorry I said it either, not really.

((((HELD))))

I'm sorry she didn't reply. Interesting that your declaration of love was mixed up with your anger towards her. Do you think that they are related? When do you see her again?

quote:

Interesting that your declaration of love was mixed up with your anger towards her. Do you think that they are related?

This is an interesting question. The reason I haven't answered you before now is because I've been trying to think of an answer. I don't know. It seems to be the case that I will often tell people I love them when I am seething with anger. I think doing so makes the anger feel safer, like the relationship is thereby anchored and not threatened by it. I do this with my Mom, H, friends. This is the first time it's happened with T.

I'm not sure when I first started doing this, where I "got" it from, or what it might mean beyond what I've described. Maybe it is something most people do?

I see T early next week (actually I forget if I have a Monday or Tuesday appointment this time). I think I don't need to bring the "Love you" up if she doesn't, do you? I want to just let it be.

I wonder how those few lines actually "read" though, if they came across as nasty or as more tongue in cheek which is what I was hoping for, I think.

This is all so confusing.

((((HELD))))

How is it going? Did you see T yet?

Hi Held!

Looking forward to hearing about your next session. I have been biting my tongue pretty hard over not spilling this to T. BUT, I want to so incredibly bad. (It creates inner turmoil, for sure.) I hope to hear that your session went well. I'm sure your T was accepting and gracious.

Hi Liese and Unbroken,

Thanks for checking on me. I'm actually pretty furious with T at the moment (about things that are probably (?) unrelated to the Love You drama) but other than that am actually feeling pretty good! Anger can feel energizing. I feel like in my daily life I've been a bit more present and even happier, just, you know, mad at T.

The session kind of started out badly. Well, when I showed up in her waiting room there was this handsome young cowboy-type guy in there with his son. He was probably in his early thirties. I thought he was really cute. So I was sitting there trying not to keep glancing at them when in waltzes T, who stares at us all in consternation. Yep. Double booked.

I offered to reschedule but T and cowboy kind of settled between them that the session was mine. It was a little confusing, but I just stayed quiet and figured they could decide. Well, I could tell T was flustered because when she gets flustered she becomes extra professional and stiff, also she repeats herself and can be overly apologetic. So, she kept apologizing to this guy and he kept politely saying that it didn't matter (though he seemed a tad annoyed).

As he was leaving a miserable sounding T apologized one more time, and he says in this sexy southern drawl, "It's okay, baby. We'll be back next week."

He called my T "baby"!!! And T freakin' giggled. It was actually kind of fun to watch, the whole exchange, but still. So, starting my session, I felt annoyed with T from the beginning over the disorganization/double booking and then the mildly unprofessional "flirting" if you want to call it that.

My session was not so great either. Actually felt very disconnected. We were discussing something that had come up with my parents and I felt like we were totally talking past each other, which we were. I really think T criticizes my parents too much and doesn't understand them at all. When she plays at understanding them it can come across as very condescending, but today she wasn't even trying. Here is an example of my being all bratty and sulky in session in response to this:

T:. . . so your dad says that his children are taking all he believes and throwing it to the winds. Well, that's a good thing, a lot of the things he believes should be thrown to the winds.

Me: You can't understand my father. You lack subtlety and nuance of mind.

T: I would challenge that. So go ahead, go with that.

Me: Well. . .

T: Well, maybe that is true for some of the things your father believes, but some of it is pretty heinous and has caused serious consequences.

Me: Oh, whatever.

T (laughing):

Me: What?

T: "Oh, whatever."

Me: Oh, whatever. I'm going to play with silly putty. I'm not talking to you.

(a moment of silence)

T: So. . . did you want to read that book?

Me: You have no toleration for silence.

T: Really?

Me: Whenever there is a silence in here you are the one to break it first, at least when I'm being intentional about it.

T: I'll have to think about that. . . I think it's because I've sensed that I may have offended you, or that you are agitated.

Me: So you are trying to build bridges.

T: Yes

Me: That's because the lack of connection makes you anxious.

So, yeah. That was my session. Never had one like this before. Have never vented frustration at T before. She seemed more amused than offended, but also a little at a loss. When the session was about over she asked if I had anything else to say.

I covered my face with a pillow and said,

Me: I said "love you" at the end of one of my emails this week. I don't know if you noticed.

T (smiling, maybe a tad embarrassed): I did.

Me: Was that okay?

T (still smiling): Yes, that was okay.

Me: I just wanted to make sure. It sometimes can feel very natural to sign an email that way.

T (nodding):

Me: So it's okay if I do that sometimes, if I need to, or I mean, if I want to?

T: Yes.

It was a brief response but it sounded very honest and sincere and I suppose was reassuring. I really think we are okay, in spite of my annoyance. I didn't sense that T was upset with me, at least.

At any rate, that is my post session report. Phew!

Wow! I can't stop smiling because you were so brave about bringing it up, and she responded with such kindness JUST like I knew she would. It really seems like there is such a good strong relationship between you two. That's beautiful. Reading this really did warm my heart. I love that she said you could say it. That's totally accepting of everything you are. LOVE it.

I am not sure what to think about the cowboy. I am sure I would have felt pangs of jealousy. I think you handled it well though and remained quiet in that situation... getting double booked, seeing T interact with another patient, and expressing what you did was A HUGE session.

Lots of stuff going on.

Here is a GIANT hug for you though because I think you are an inspiration...I've been wanting to express myself a bit more to T and I think you gave me a shot of courage to do so. Thank you!

Aw, thanks so much, Brokes, for the kind words and very positive appraisal of the situation and of my T. It's true that she is fairly wonderful on the whole. As for myself, I do not feel much like an inspiration, I feel more like an unnecessarily grumpy client who has been difficult and rude to her lovely T. (My anger at her has worn off as of this morning, btw.) But hey, we all take inspiration where we can find it, right? I hope you are able to have the conversations you desire with your T soon and that it is a positive and healing experience.

Hugs for the journey!
--me

((((HELD)))

I haven't been back because I am having serious internet connectivity issues. I'm connected momentarily and wanted to say one thing. I like your T. I think she is trustworthy. I don't think she is going to trample on your attachment feelings.

BUT, I'm not sure (and it sounds like you agree) that her challenging your views of or feelings for you parents/father is really the way to go with all of this. When battered women (not that you are - just using this as a basis for comparison) go to a therapist, it just doesn't seem helpful to tell the woman that her husband is committing some heinous acts. It's all about the emotional attachment.

You could tell me it's horrible that my mother let/lets my brother terrorize the family. I might be able to agree in theory but when I look at my Mom, she's still my Mom and she doesn't seem so threatening - even if what happened in my family caused my problems.

In my very uneducated opinion, she needs to forge a strong attachment with you and you with her that is perhaps healthier than the one you had/have with your parents and again, in my very uneducated opinion, you will start to make healthier emotional choices.

From my point of view, she's is unwittingly recreating the childhood you had (or at least what she thinks you had) by telling you how to think about your father.

Just throwing that out there. My T does not take a direct approach like that. He made one comment about the relationship with my H not being healthy for me and only this past summer he disclosed that my mother is up there on the list of mothers that he really dislikes. (Which was in response to my question about how he feels about my mother) But at this point, I came around to seeing that for myself. He didn't have to convince me.

I know some other T's around here are more direct in terms of how they perceive our parents but maybe it also depends upon what we ourselves are ready to believe, if we are able to make that emotional break or not. I wasn't ready for that for a long time - actually not until my relationship with my T was rock solid.

The quote below is what I am referring to.

quote:

T:. . . so your dad says that his children are taking all he believes and throwing it to the winds. Well, that's a good thing, a lot of the things he believes should be thrown to the winds.

Me: You can't understand my father. You lack subtlety and nuance of mind.

T: I would challenge that. So go ahead, go with that.

Me: Well. . .

T: Well, maybe that is true for some of the things your father believes, but some of it is pretty heinous and has caused serious consequences.

xxxx

Oh, and P.S., you were so incredibly brave to bring up the "I love you" stuff. That was awesome!! You rock!!

Hey Liese,

Thanks so much for your perspective on this. I agree with you. And furthermore, I feel like T positively takes pleasure in criticizing my father. She can come across as very smug when she's picking on him and frankly, it's maddening. My dad doesn't criticize people like that and I'd never describe him as smug. As of the present writing, I think he's a better person than she is, which makes our whole situation here rather ironic.

I also sometimes wonder how clearly T actually sees me. Sometimes I fear that I've become some kind of poster child of oppressed whatever for her. Often I don't mind that because I'm simply grateful that she cares, but occasionally I feel very skeptical about all this.

But I do love her and feel mostly-safe with her and cared about, usually. That seems to make up for a lot.

Ugh. . . I'm just-- really mad at her again now.

Maybe I will quit soon.

((((HELD)))))

What happened?

(((Liese)))

Nothing new has happened. It just hit me over again how really frustrated I am over this.

I dont see (from your post here) that she enjoys criticizing
your father. At all. Is she normally a critical,
judgemental person??

Having an intuitive episode here...feeling that she might be thinking
that you may be idealizing your father. Black and white stuff...

Ive read many threads here. One of the common denominators is that
many of us have felt and even explicitly stated,
(some of us for a long time even through middle age)
that one or both parents was all "good"-could do no wrong...
well maybe some imperfections..BUT

If your father is a decent man, she could be
wrongly challenging you regarding your feelings
for him. And I noticed that when people here
get pissed off, or maybe just feel disconnected
in some way, they sometimes subsequently integrate the
black and white..the grey being the ultimate outcome.

But this only happens after the chaos of ea temporary
state of emotional dysregulation....

So does she normally take delight in criticizing others,
or is she open minded, fair, and balanced?
Perhaps criticizing to be protective of you?
Maybe she can be both, maybe she has it all wrong-
inadvertently challenging a non-existant defense,
or maybe she has some valid points...
the latter could be more likely if her behavior
this time is inconsistent with how you
know her to be....

Have to comment on the love discussion too-
wow-how brave of you strong woman! Loved
hearing your story. <3

((((HELD))))

Hope you are feeling a little more steady today. I think XOXO made some great points. No one is all good or all bad. The reality is we are going to have a mix of emotions about just about everyone, some more positive than others and some more negative than others. But it seems like that acknowledging all the feelings and having a more realistic view of that person and our relationship with them is the ultimate way to go - rather than just seeing them in one light one day and in another light another day. Why can't you still love her but get annoyed that she's pushing you on something you don't want to talk about? IMO, it would be okay to tell her that you don't like it when she criticizes your father.

Good luck with your next appointment.

Thanks xoxo and Liese for your comments and thoughts. I do appreciate them and they have made me think. Sorry I haven't replied before now. I've tried a couple times, but it seems as if the frustration with T is coming from a very young and currently very vocal (in my thoughts) part of me, and it's a struggle to detach enough from it to write about the frustration with any level of maturity or intelligence beyond that of an annoyed five year old.

I don't know if that makes any sense. It's the best way I could think of to put it.

I did want to come back and say thank you though. I will see T again next week (Thursday) and hopefully that will help me to re-sort myself and assist in clarity of perspective.